Recent

So we just came back to continues our study in Country X. We were apart, as he lives in another house. As for me, everyday I kept on thinking of him, and all the good memories. And I keep on thinking does he feels what I feel? It could be, but it also couldn't be. The signs was all mixed up.

I am going crazy.

At least on of the signs that telling me to have a hope is that he doesn't have any girlfriend. Well none that I know of. But still, he is acting like those normal man, have no other gay signs and those innocent face would said that he is pious, and would definitely say no to this abnormal relationship, that is against the Islamic teaching.

There are numerous time that I wish to confess my feelings to him. Well, who knows, the answer would be in my favour. But, I restrained myself, thinking that I would rather being besides him pretending to be normal, rather than having an awkward relation, if his answer is no.

And at the class, I felt so relieved that I don't confessed to him during the trip because at least I can be besides him comfortably. I know that if I don't ask, the answer would always be "no" but the risk that I must take is too great.

I am so horny restless. I wrote the posts before to ease my mind a little bit, as I got no one to confide, but instead of making peace, I feel more pressure. I really can't stop thinking about him.

Really, I wish I was born as a girl. So I it would not be weird to keep on thinking of him.