What if

I would like to post a picture of Mr G and me. I want to make it cartoon-like, to keep the anonymous status. But it was a hassle to edit it. Furthermore, I have an upcoming examination. So that can wait.

Recently there was nothing new between him and I. Well what would I expect, right?

We have our revision for the said exam a few days ago. I saw him again. But we don't really talk much. Damn, it was the season of European football league now. If I only have my interest in the football, I would have lots of things to talk about. But nay, even if I must hide my sexuality, I pledge not to hide my other discontents. I mean if I don't like watching football, I won't pretend to like it.

I stayed a bit after the revision finished, trying to collect any other information from my colleagues. He was the last coming from the room. He did stick his head into our group discussion for a while but then he walk away. I still stayed to listen my friends explanation. But now I regretted the decision of now asking him to go back together. Hmm...

As I was feeling tired from the endless reading (read: procrastinating) I decided to stalk his Facebook profile, on my iPad so it won't get obvious to my housemate. LOL.

OMG. He is so handsome in every photos and never once dressed badly. There is one piece of black hoodie he wore that really suit him. I myself never saw him wore that but I guess he must have quite a collection of clothes. He did always wore a white sleeveless hoodie.

He is lucky to be blessed with such a lean and toned body. So he can carry those Korean-style clothes well. Well that came from being an avid  footballer.

So while flipping the photos, I stumbled upon his family photo. In my opinion his parent is just average looking (well they've aged and gained some weight. Maybe both of then was once handsome and beautiful. Who knows?) but I noticed his siblings was also average. None look similar or as handsome nor pretty as him. I guess his brother is so-so too.

Well I can't be sure if they were indeed his blood family. I didn't not ask. But if they really are his family, I guess he has won the genes lottery. One would said a good looking child come from a good looking parent but if you get only the best qualities from the average-looking parent, you can be good looking too, right??

Anyway I keep on dreaming what would happen if he and I have a relationship. When I stumbled upon his family photo, suddenly I have a thought of what would his parent reaction, what would his siblings feel and so on. But of course this is very unlikely. I just hope I won't be the one who will severe his ties with his family. MEh, what a ridiculous thought.

Eye candy

I think my feelings over Mr G has decreased a little bit. Maybe because previously I have been eating Lindor's chocolates. Well chocolates is known to have some aphrodisiac effect that the Mayans (or the Aztecs, I am not really sure) prohibit their women from eating chocolates.

I think I get horny too when I ate those Hershey's chocolate kisses. LOL

Or maybe because I think that Mr G has been treating me quite coldly. He no longer making a conversation everytime our eyes met. Well maybe it was normal but because I keep on making our eyes met, (cause I want to have a good look at his face LMAO). Of course it would've been abnormal to talk EVERYTIME you were making eyes contact. We don't have much things to talk anyway.

Now this make me think how I usually heard people try to learn things that they never know before or maybe hated just for the sake of to understanding their loved ones.

But still I've been keeping my eyes on him (albeit the facts that I have been skipping the morning class lately. LOLs). I noticed he looks good wearing anything. Well, you will if you have a good looks.

So I went to Mr H house yesterday to return the vacuum that I borrowed from their house. His roomate is known to do a part-time barber work. So his roomate wanted the vacuum back so he can cleaned all the cut hair.

When I got into the house, there were 2 of our juniors who was waiting to be cut, while one has finished. And because this is a home barber, one must be shirtless to prevent the hair from sticking to your shirt, because they got no extra piece of clothes to cover.

And, my eyes can't help to check out the abs of one of that guy who has finished cutting his hair. And what a nice six packs he had!!

It was so hard to try to stop staring at those abs but I still need to do it (i.e. stop staring) so it won't be too obvious to others. And not making him thinks I am a weirdo.

I should've stayed a little longer to observe the eye candy but unfortunately I need to study.

Before leaving, I stopped by at Mr H's room to says a few greetings and then went back home. He is still cute as ever.

p/s: I notice there are too much 'maybe' and 'I think'. Well, I can't know for sure because I can't ask. Or else they would avoid me cause me being a weirdo.

Recent

So we just came back to continues our study in Country X. We were apart, as he lives in another house. As for me, everyday I kept on thinking of him, and all the good memories. And I keep on thinking does he feels what I feel? It could be, but it also couldn't be. The signs was all mixed up.

I am going crazy.

At least on of the signs that telling me to have a hope is that he doesn't have any girlfriend. Well none that I know of. But still, he is acting like those normal man, have no other gay signs and those innocent face would said that he is pious, and would definitely say no to this abnormal relationship, that is against the Islamic teaching.

There are numerous time that I wish to confess my feelings to him. Well, who knows, the answer would be in my favour. But, I restrained myself, thinking that I would rather being besides him pretending to be normal, rather than having an awkward relation, if his answer is no.

And at the class, I felt so relieved that I don't confessed to him during the trip because at least I can be besides him comfortably. I know that if I don't ask, the answer would always be "no" but the risk that I must take is too great.

I am so horny restless. I wrote the posts before to ease my mind a little bit, as I got no one to confide, but instead of making peace, I feel more pressure. I really can't stop thinking about him.

Really, I wish I was born as a girl. So I it would not be weird to keep on thinking of him.

Longing part II

As I said in here , we will be going to Medina first, then will be moving to Mecca. And, as I told you before, my best memories with Mr G happened in Mecca.

I forgot to tell you guys. They were another moment in Medina when I felt happy and anxious.

While visiting a place, there were so many people. And by the slip of fate, I was pushed a little bit forward while he walks behind me. It was so crowded until there were no space left. We both were touching with each other, separated only by 4 layers of thin clothes, while moving slowly.

At that time, my hearts beats fast and furiously. I can felt his chest and his hip touching my backs and buttocks. Well, at that moment, I wish time will stopped. But I knew it was impossible so in my mind, I was just enjoying every moment. Maybe just stopped my step a little bit to make him put on more pressure on me. LOLs.

There was a little naughty thought in my mind that wanted to switch place. That is to say, I want to top him. But my effort doesn't work well. People keep on pushing and he keep on staying behind my back. This make me thinking, does he felt what I felt? Does he purposely doing this? But I think it is less likely. I don't want to have any hopes up. Because IMO I would be less disappointed if I got no high hopes.

Anyhow, when we arrived in Mecca, we were doing our prayer as usual. Things doesn't get more excited other than me being in the same room with him, and I was able to feast my eyes on his bare chest.

Until, when we got like only two days before returning, he and I decide to make a plan to do a religious ritual. I am trying to be anonymous so I would like to leave a little details as possible. Let just said that ritual involves people pushing each other and it would be easier if you work in two to be able to do it.

So here we are, again pushed together in a crowded places, with he and I touching each other. Like in Medina. And when we finally done the ritual, he gave his hand to me and said well done. And as for me, trying to be a cute nerd said, "Good Game". Oh what bollocks did I just said.

So there they are. My good memories. Also, while having a conversation, he said I am cute. I forgot about what I said, maybe I was pretending to be hurt because somebody don't do me a favour. It is so not me to be pretentiously immature (read: girlish-trying-to-act-cute) however in front of him, I'm doing it automatically. Still, I still remember his smiles while saying that that I am cute. Haha.

Oh God. I still couldn't understand why I was created like this. And my current state (being a man), it would utterly impossible for me to have him. I sometimes wish that I am a girl, so at least there is a chance of us being together.

Longing, part I

Its has been a while since my last post. Years, if I must say. Well, to manage an anonymous blog is not an easy job. I have another blog, open to everyone close to me, but even that is not updated regularly.

This blog has been neglected for a long time. I remember the existence of this blogs, unfortunately I forgot the username and password that I used and also there are nothing much to write, until recently.

Anyhow, one might wonder why I suddenly have the urge to write in this blog.

For your information, I have been away to some place for a religious trip. This trip supposed to cleanse myself from all the sins that I do, and also to make any prayer or hope that I have.

I am a Muslim by the way. So that means I went to Makkah.

During this trip, there were 13 people. There was this guy who went with us that I got a crush.

LOL it felt so weird to declare one as my crush, openly in this post as I usually keep it to myself. However, something happened between me and this guy. All this things keep bugging my mind. And there are no instance of me doing nothing other that thinking all bout that.

No, not those bed thingy, you dirty minded people! And in my opinion, maybe I was thinking too much.

Have you ever loved someone, that make you missed him so much until it feels so much pain in your heart and longing if you did not see him for a day? And that pain become more severe when knowing that you and him can never ever be together?? Well that happened to me after the trip.

Actually, I am not liking him from the start. He got a handsome good looking face, that I can stare all day but I like his friend better previously (slut alert!). Maybe because we once shared a room together (nothing sexual) and us being a good friend for quite sometimes. But then day by days those feeling from liking his friend as more that a friends, turn back into liking him just a friend during harships. LOLs. Maybe because I feel that he is neglecting me. Anyway, I think we all get confused with this story at this moment because me myself also getting confuse. LOL.

Let's start again. I went to the religious trip with Mr G, and I said something has happened between him and me. And previously I said I also got a crush on Mr H, friend of Mr G. But now I think I have get over with Mr H. Because Mr G is taller and have a better body suiting to my taste lols. My recent crush is Mr G.

Anyway, I always love to look at Mr G whenever he present. And until months ago, I started to persistently stalked (but not too obvious, but I'm not sure if anyone noticed anything) at his butt movement. But still, I never really got the chances to know him better because we have nothing in common to talk about as he is the sport man while me myself being a nerd. LOL. Well, we used to be so close once when we both need to repeat an examination. 

So, during the trip many things has happen between Mr G and me. And many signs happened that I can't help to get misinterpret. Haha

During the trip, we went to Medina first, the after about 4 days we went to Mecca. In the first place, he and I stayed in a different room. It was such a waste (for me, lols) but I don't really think too much about it. Until the 2rd day of the trip, he started to come to and sleep in our room because he said his room was too cold because the air conditioner is directly pointed to him. So, he slept in my room. 

At first, he was trying his spots next to me (while talking to our other friends). So deep inside my heart I was blooming with happiness for having the thought of him to sleep beside me. But later on, he slept next to another person beside me. Hmmph! I am so jealous. I agree that I am not really a clean freak people but if anyone ask, I can be one.

Then  we went to Mecca. Hah! This places brings so many happy moments to me.

I was feeling so tired from the long hours of travelling and lifting the luggage bag but all that went away when I got to know that I will be staying in the same room as him! Wooho!

Now, my first happy moment started sooner after the good news. I was about to see him being shirtless! OMG those pecs and abs. Even though it was not as defined as the model (it is still great, cause he is a sports man) but it really suited to my taste. I think I can stare at them all day and caressing them.

Oh only God knows how happy I am. But I need to control myself to not making it too obvious. I am hating myself when I forced my eyes to look another ways as trying to undercover my feelings. I think it is better to be able to be beside him than the need to be hated by him because of my shortcomings.

On the next day, another more happy moment happens, when he and I make the body contact. lots of them. LOL

to be continue...