Pity

You always bragged how you have taught your children well. How with your way, you children still become, well, human.

Well I guess it is, knowing that in all you five sons,

first son: lack of hygiene. engaged 5 times, divorced once, and now have salary lower than his wife

second, controlled by his wife.

third, not praying at all. husband and wife. had a western lifestyle. god knows where he got the money, albeit the spending he did, and where did he goes late at night, getting money from god knows where?

fourth, for one year, NEVER came back town. eventhough he has lot of holidays. he would rather stayed at his house than coming back to the town.

five, can't wait to leave this house. damaged.

The junior issue

As I said in the previous post.

There was this Junior R (Jr), who was Mr R's and Mr F junior in high school. Mr F used to call him as "Mr R's younger brother". Because this Jr was extremely close and chatty with Mr R.

When I met Jr, it all seem so obvious to me. Jr is a PLU. Hahaha.

And Jr is so obvious that he was putting Mr R above anything. I mean he invited Mr R to his house, to his party, his event and so on.

Not forgetting, Jr keep pestering me asking about Mr R. Duh~!

Anyhow,

I saw that Jr made "questionable" comment on the Mr R photo on his recent trip, like complimenting Mr R was sexy on the Facebook. So public. Oh my God! This Jr, why did you do that?? :-0

Jr was pestering me too when I check-in on the Facebook, tagging Mr R and Mr F. Jr asking me to send his regards to Mr R.

Then, I just knew that Mr R has blocked Jr on the Facebook. I am so happy. Serves you well, slut!! One opponents/competitor down! XP

Mr R, Mr F and me, we talked about Jr. Mr F couldn't be more hyena-ish by making Jr looks worst. Mr R told me there was this one time Mr R met with Jr. Jr for no reason, wanting to hug Mr R. Mr R was just came back from the gym.

Obvious much?? -.-

Because of that, I need to keep my act. I mean there were some of my straight friend who touches and hug, but people don't say anything. They did it on the right moment, so people just perceived that as being close.

Now, because of Jr, I can't do that now because I don't want Mr R thinks I am gay.

I was terrified when Mr R look at my iPhone photo gallery and found a model's photo that  I print screen. But he don't say much. I don't say much to his question too haha.

I pitied Jr. But then, it was all Jr's fault for not being discreet.

The most annoying part is I become the middle men. I could just ignore Jr too but this little voice inside me said that I need to be patience because maybe someday I need his favor. Or as a wise men said, "you good favor towards other person may not be returned by that same person, but maybe by other person".

Really, Jr. You need to learn more. I wished I could give his some advice, maybe even came out on him, gave some real life pointers, experience etc, but it is too risky. I can't trust Jr. Or anybody else except my bestiesy (there's just one actually).

And I'd must say Mr Jr is not a confirmed good people. I have so much doubt on him. He don't even invite me to his party. <--- thus the main reason of my anger hahaha

I meant, by now, you should have known that you will lose more when you are parading you feeling toward somebody, rather just acting normal and go with the flow. If you can't be with him, I guess it is still fine if you can be besides him. I mean like me, I just slept beside Mr R, and saw Mr R half-naked. :-0

Trip

A few days ago, I went to a trip. This time to the Southern Malaysia. With my straight batchmate friends. Hot straight friends. Mr F and I went to Mr R's house. Tee hee hee...

I used to have a crush on both on them. Mr F is the first one that I befriend. He talked to me first. To the group that I was in, actually. We had some conversations. Then suddenly we just can  "mix in", and now become close friend. I even moved in his house. But then, the feeling was not strong.

I guess my taste still on the fairer skin. LOL

Mr R, well when the first time I saw him, I was like, "OMG!! Fair skin, Cute!! I am so gonna talk to him". But then I felt inferior. I feel intimidated with good looking people.

Then I found out that Mr R was close with Mr F, as he always went to our rental house. He even slept here. By the slip of fate, I befriended him too.

When I got my ultimate crush on Mr G, I don't look back anymore.

But I still love to have a look at his face.

But then, he went to the gym in our final year. The feeling came back. But not really strong. (I am so visual lols)

When my besties said he interested in Mr R as I showed him my graduation dinner video, suddenly the feeling came back to me.Talking about being bitches and wanting what other people wants. LOLs.

Anyhow,

I just wanted to recaps the best moment ever in my life so far, as a closeted gay.

Turn out, one of our plans was to go to Mr R's grandmother's house.


In the late afternoon, I was very sleepy, so I took my nap. Mr R and Mr F was chatting outside. Then they came in. I was half asleep when I realized Mr R land his face on my armpit. And acting like he was eating it. -.-

It was cute, but me being a good girl guys, I brushed his hair and pushed him to stop. I was quite surprised. And scared. Because I think my armpit was not smelling that nice -.-


At night, it was the best moment for me.

We are squeezing ourselves, sleeping together on the bed.

I am envious of Mr F and Mr R. There were schoolmate in high school. During my studying years, they used to sleep on the bed together. Mr R, when he moved to a house far from the university, stayed at our house for sometime. I always wanted to squeeze in but I don't find ways to make it without people to think it as weird. And also because I was fat. Haha.

Nothing big happened really. Except there was some skinship here and there. Sometimes when I turn my body to other side, I directly faced with Mr R's face. It was the closest my mouth can went to Mr R's face!

I can't sleep well. I mean, I felt excited, nervous, but happy. Imagine, two of your good looking guys was sleeping besides you. Imagine, all the "harass" that you can do, while pretending it happening because of your sleeping habit.

But I am being cautious, again, as Mr R is so homophobic, so I kinda afraid to do anything. And with the recent junior problem. Slut!!

I wanted to stare to Mr R sleeping face all night, but it seems that he always facing away from me. It doesn't help that the weather was hot, so I need to turn my body too.

When he was facing me, I stared to him, but then I felt asleep because I am tired LOLs.

I somewhat, wanted to stare to him, and if he accidentally awake, I could give the "I am falling all over you right now and I wish to have sex with you" look. XD

During the sleep, Mr R was moving a lot, towards the centre of the bed, which means, toward me. Till one time, my head was practically on his shoulder. It was a very warm feeling. I moved my head a bit, making it closer to him.

Too bad the alarm goes off. Meeeehhhhh!!!!

But lucky me for not going overboard or anything, because Mr R actually half asleep too. I mean there's some event at night like Mr F getting a phone call at night, and that Mr R's grandmother woke up very early and was talking to somebody. He actually realised it. Hmm...

Anyhow, on the next day, thing gets so much fun. Or rather, sexy?

Mr R was only wearing boxer (I must say that his boxer is ugly as shit! hahaha), and walking around inside the room while we were talking. I must say, as I get to see more of him, I don't really felt the lust anymore. But I am so happy. Hahaha.

I guess I just like his face the most. He has been going to the gym, but because he ate the whey protein, and the usual daily food, he does have a big biceps, but his belly still quite flabby. But still flat.

He will definitely get so much hotter if he do a lot of cardio. And that belly lose all of its fat and starting to show six packs!

When he just took a bath in the morning, and putting his white shorts, half thigh length, I swear I can see his morning wood, (I do saw one when we was changing into towel and went to the bathroom) and if I was not mistaken, I can see the curve of his penis head.

I think his penis was about the same size as me.

But again, I don't really get turn on. I do get some erection when I thought that I will be sleeping in the middle of two guys, but that's it. I think maybe my hormone was at it lowest, or I was tired.

I don't felt longing to anyone recently.

In this trip, I have been seeing so much of Mr R. -.-

I already missed him, and this trip.

On a side note, I regretted that I make a fuss about Mr R sleeping habit. Because of that, he refused when Mr F asked Mr R too sleep with us on our last night at his house. He said I complained a lot. I was joking. (-.-")

Annoyed

I got my haircut today.

Yesterday, I rebonded my hair. By my own. Didn't turn out so well. So stubborn. Wonder what was wrong. Maybe I should have left it longer?

And today too, the hairdresser cut my hair too much. Damn it!! I mean what's the point of me rebonded if you are going to cut it all??

The worst part of it? She cut it while my hair was wet.

I already need to wait three days before wetting my hair. At first when she wet it, I though OMG. OK nevermind. My hair doesn't turn out well so I guess maybe after she trimmed it, it will work out well.

Then I see large amount of my hair being cut. OMFG!!!

Knowledge is power, knowledge also makes me annoyed with other un-knowledgeable people. ONE DOES NO SIMPLY CUT WET HAIR!! Because the hair will dry out, and the hair will become shorter that it is. It's hair styling 101!!! Or if you intelligent enough, you would cut the hair longer.

Damn it!

Well. It is a lesson to me. What do you expect from RM 8 haircut??

I should have been more persistent and more outspoken. Should have asked her to just trimmed the side and back while I'll trimmed the middle and upper myself.

There is other hairdresser that I used to go her shop was closed.

*************************************

I looked funny. My self-esteemed has already low as it can be, now it have gone the lowest. Like there's another hole in my before-low self-esteemed this now I have another level of low. OK wtf am I saying.

I am so envious of people who can be good looking with whatever hair style. :(

I am now figuratively crying over cut hair T_T

I hate being unemployed. I hate that I need to listen to my parent because I need their money. Pffftt!!

Mr H

Mr H called. Twice for the last two weeks.

Just now, he sounded so eager to arrange our meeting. By asking if I attend a post grad seminar or not. And asking about how I will go there.

Truthfully, no other colleagues ever mind to ask me. I mean I saw people talking about it on the twitter in a glance but they don't really advertise about the course on Facebook.

I don't really wanted to go. But somehow I felt left out. -.- But me myself when I know about this, I don't invite others too muahahaha

Anyhow this post was supposed to be about Mr H.

The first time he called, was asking me about the recipe for making cheesecake. Specifically, asking for the site that I took the recipe from.

 Really?? I am sure there are thousands of blog featuring cheesecake recipe, yet he bother to asked me?

Suddenly, I wonder if Mr H missed me? Haha.

Last two weeks I have been a bad guy by not telling him about my intention to visit my other friend who just got a baby. I just went without him. XD

On other notes,

My girlfriend was asking about Mr H availability. And wanted to matchmake him with her friend.

Mr H has no girlfriend that I know of. But somehow I felt reluctant to matchmake him haha.

Was it love?

He is cute all right but it seems that I have a love hate relationship with him.

I love he attitude, looks, behaviour an all but then I hate that sometimes he ignore me. And when he get all the attention hahaha.

But I don't bring out about the matchmake issue to him yet. I guess next time I can use that as an excuse to ask about his availability. Hehe

Get over

I thought I was getting over Mr G. But it seem that I don't.

He keeps appearing in my dreams.

Luckily those just a normal dream (LOLs!). And mostly of me, who was making the move. Like I am so desperate. Always trying to make a contact with him.

Which sometimes, makes me think twice in real life, whenever I wanted to mention him on the twitter, or liking his post on Facebook.

Maybe I thought too much.

Still, I wonder what he thinks of me? Would he ever spend a second, or even a fraction of second, to think about me?

I also wonder what was his perception of me. Well I do know that he keep associating me as always making cakes 24 hours, which is not, obviously. -.-

Anyhow, I seriously need to meet new people.

Six years, I have been with the same people.

But I hate that whenever we get to know a certain people, and feels that everything was right, after a while we need to say goodbye.

So afraid.

Well meeting and goodbye is life.

Dad's problems

It's ironic that I just ranting about my father, then today, he did something which  I hate.

He called me today, asking for my desktop password. The reason? He wanted to test my internet speed.

Seriously, why don't you just live quietly? Why bother me???

Why are you so obsessed with fast internet? Why you would EVER, NEED it?? You don't trust me when I said the internet is ok? Well you never really trust me in anything anyway.

And, there's the old laptop at the back room. Use that. When I told you the internet is fine, no matter if it was the wireless or the cable, believe in me, will you??

But you don't.

FYI, the password is there for a reason. YOU.

But being the kind me, I just gave it.

Thinking back, there are two reasons for me to be so mad

First, my father don't believe my words.

I told him countless time that the internet is ok. Why it is so hard for that to get into you head?? He even makes the effort asking his friend to come to the house to check the internet. Godddddddd!!

Second, the breach of my privacy. I still remember when I was in high school, he opened my letter without my permission.

Now, I am afraid he would discover my gay porn surf history, and the porn collections.

I want to rage but unfortunately I am unemployed so I still need his money. So I just need to be patient in the meantime.

Thirdly (I said two but what the heck), my father starting to surf porn.

I know that well, everybody surf porn. But I can't accept when my father did it. Because he is one of those people with the holier-that-thou attitude. He leads the prayer in the local mosque.

And I still remember when I was 9 years old, I wear "songkok" to the school. My father then said songkok is only for the good people. I don't deserve to wear it.

That really, broke my confidence.

And now that tok imam (local religious leader) is surfing for porn. Shame on you!!

Now I understand why my brother lived in Kuala Lumpur for one months after he went back from oversea. It is too annoying to live with my parent.

For now, if my father discover my porns, I guess maybe that would be the best. We would have a very long discussion. So be it. I hope I don't scream during the discussion. Or run away.

I am thinking now places that I will be gone if I want to run away.

My family is so... I don't know... damaged?? Uncommunicative? Action speaks louder that words??

Tomorrow I will be going back to my hometown. We'll see what would happen.

Parents

I have been living with my parent now, for a month and a week.

And I am telling you, it is sooooooooo uncomfortable. Oh gawd (-.-")

I read somewhere in the internet about people (the Asian) who make a fuss that their parent insist that the children to live with them.

And how in Australia children will leave the parent's house between the age of 18-22 years old. If the child refuse, the parent themselves with throw the child's belonging's outside the house

I guess is a very different situation.

I mean, the westerners parent are very understanding and communicating well. No wonder the child refuse to live

For the Asians? Well, they are very strict. So the children can't wait to get away. To get some freedom, and control of life.

Like my father.

I don't hate him. I just don't prefer him. Will elaborate about that in another post. If I am hard working enough.

Anyhow, there are just some vibe of my father that I don't like.

It seem that I can't live under the same roof as him.

No wonder my brother above me never went home, albeit the holidays that he gets. Sneaky bro. -.-

Tears

My close friend just got a baby today.

Felt happy, but sad also.

Happy for him, but sad for me.

Because I think now he has everything one could have. A wife, a children. And they both love each other so much, like a match made in heaven.

For me, I don't know. I still don't know how I felt.

Feeling like a loser. Drool at men but knowing that I could not have them.

Born different. Depressed.

Maybe because this song was playing on the background. It does gives a sad vibe.

Anyhow, congratulations my friend!! (even though he don't read this blog)

Trip to the East coast

Dedicated to Mr G. Well of course my meeting with him was not that dramatic, and I don't noticed him until I was in 4th year. But this song really speaks my heart. The part "I want to take care of him"

I just went back from the east coast trip. Attending batchmates' wedding, and also visiting friends.

I am so tired, but satisfied

The highlight of the trip was of course, meeting Mr G. Haha.

I was so anxious at first.

But the lady luck smiled at me. As I still don't have my driving licence, Mr G was driving me. Driving us actually. It was a long trip, so they take turns to drive. Me? Sitting at the back like a boss hahaha.

I can't stop imagining that I am Mr G partner sitting besides him while driving. Offering him junk food, drinking water or making conversation to prevent him being sleepy. Or maybe holding hands all through out the journey.

One of my best moment was when we have one-on-one talk. We were three in the car, but that other person just finished his turn for driving, so he was sleeping.

It was nothing serious. I was just asking about Mr G childhood. And he was so happy explaining it to me. Haha.

********************************************

Anyhow, I think Mr G is in a relationship.

Whenever he was free, he chatted on his whatsapp. And I saw the name. It is a girl.

Well, at least I can still see him.

I think I will see him again if we have the same interview date.

Although, I am frustrated because I am unable to hug Mr G before he leaves.

It was Mr G's fault! He shakes my hand too soon. And when I was shaking then hugging everyone else at the car, he did shake and hug my other friend then he just went to sit on the driver's seat and busy preparing to drive. I can't even make an eye contact with him.

I just say, "I'll be going now Mr G. Have a safe journey, and see you again.".

He gave a short reply. Then that was it. T_T

*****************************************

I saw Mr H too. It thought it was only me noticed it, but Mr H is a bit chubby, as said by other people too hahahaha.

My H finally combed his hair to the front. Not the usual split middle. Funny things was I don't realized it and he makes an effort to ask me if I noticed it. Sorry Mr H, as the star of the show (read: Mr G) was here, I don't see other people anymore. But after a moment I do realized that style made you look like a brat, or an annoying person hahaha.

We were hugging saying goodbye. He mention to me "good bye and don't cry" but I felt so sad to be separated form them and got a teary eyes, for a split second. OK more than a second actually.

I am glad no one noticed. I think.

*****************************************

My brother said I need to go to my friend's wedding so they will go to mine later.

But I guess I don't have really high expectation for that.


My house is remote, and I am not really close with many people. And those close people, I think they are going to be busy.

And I also have felt hurt before for expecting people too much.

I think it will be going to be just my relatives and the villager. Hahaha.

I don't care really. My trip this time is to visit friend. We were being away for just 1 month. Hahahaha

Emotional Dream

I had a very weird dream.

At that time a mega corporation TM (Telekom Malaysia lol), has taken over the country. The country now divided into two sides. The pro-corp and the anti corp.

I was still undecided. As I don't prefer changes, and as I have the impression that TM is a bad corporation, kinda like the Death Race film, so I joined the opposition team.

In my dream there were my other batchmates. And to make things weirder, as a young doctor, we need to choose our side. That is to say choosing our employer.

Mr G was there too. He has chosen TM since the beginning.

Me, and as most of our batchmate, team up with the opposition.

I have a mission to infiltrates the TM company in for the attempt of sabotaging. (really?)

During the mission execution, we got an emergency message saying TM has finally taken over all over the country. So a curfew has been ordered. Anyone found outside will be prosecuted.

However, my friend and I are already on our way. We can't find any safe place to hide from the surveillance robots.
 
The were three of use. My partner and I manage to get out from getting into the TM base but unfortunately for our other partner, he crashed into the TM headquarters so he decided to either continuing the mission or if he is lucky enough, find a safe place until the curfew is over.

Suddenly, I played the role as that missing person. I was trying to hide but I got caught.

Then the role switched back.

My partner and I decided to get out from our hiding place to rendezvous. But we have lost our way too.

We keep on moving, until we accidentally met with the robots. We were chased.

I was injured, but we still managed to escape from the robots, with me almost unconscious.
 
Suddenly we arrived at a familiar place. The general hospital owned by TM, which all pro-corporation physician work.

We managed to change from our spy clothes into a normal office attire. Then my vision darken.

When I woke up, my partner was wearing the scrub, making rounds.

Suddenly Mr G came into the picture

We were observing Mr G doing a hard operation. I am astonished that as Mr G was the only one doctor on duty.

In my dream, it is said that he managed to achieved many achievements. Mr G has been able to conduct a difficult operation, despite just starting to practice. In his files (stalker me?) it say that because the lack of facilities and insufficient workers, one day he decide to take on the roles to save the life. He did it, then his journey of excellency began.

Then I saw my other colleagues who used to be on the opposition teams, they are too, joining the TM corporation health service.
Then, it hit me. I felt stuffy in my chest. I was filled with jealousy. Of Mr G.

I asked my partner about what happened.

He said when we arrived at the hospital he told the management that we want to work under them. As for my reason of unconsciousness, it is because we lost our way (really lame excuse)

However the management still bought it so we were absorbed into the system. And I think because Mr G helped us too?

I asked my partner about the well being of captured teammate. He didn't know what happen. It seems that whoever failed, he wont be remembered. LOLs

In my dream I thought that after all eventhough the country has became a total capitalist sucking the money from its citizen, things won't be too bad working with TM because there were some good in it. Majority of it.

Then it was time to wake up.

*********************************************************'

We still are waiting for the interview. And our placement. But I felt so insecure.

Right now, I have the impression if I don't have the chance to further my study, I think becoming a Medical Officer for life is not a bad things.

After all, I have a role model. Well she is a blogger actually.

It's fine if I am just being a MO, as long as everything is enough for me. Or as the blogger doctor said, "not scrutinizing the price of one brand of cereal over the other just to save a few cents."

But I guess (as she said too), to see friends achieving many things in their married life and career, I too can't help feeling envious and regret.

I don't know. The future is not us to see.

I just want to be happy.

Bitter friend

That is me.

Got an iMessages from an old friend. Whom I know in 2006, because he lived in front of my student apartment.

I used to be closed to him, until I realized he don't really take me seriously.

Like, he make a substantial effort to give presents to my other friends, even have the gut to ask me to bring them their present to them, when I am the one who makes the effort of visiting him. I also embraced the 4 hours journey, on a precious holiday which we seldomly gets.

Thus my obsession of trying to improve my appearance, as those gift-receivers, are good-looking. And that was the time I get brainwashed, by myself, with the thought that people with good looks gets better treatment. They don't really need to do anything, they just makes small talk, smile a bit, then people will fall upon them.

At that time I thought OK, it's my turn to deliver the gift, can't wait what would I get when it was my birthday.

But nothing. Na-da.

Seriously.

And things got annoying in my side when he texted me saying he missed all of us (because he went to other university) and then, he keep bugging me asking about other well-being.

Slut. Haha.

Unfortunately for me, I bought an iPhone so suddenly he contacted me through the iMsg. Urgh.

The most infuriating part was he always always sent a random message to me, but when I replied, he just keep silent. WTF!!

On top of that, he is the kind of person who easily distracted. I mean at one time I was talking to him but then I realized he was not listening, or worst, when suddenly another jerk coming out of nowhere, asking his question, he quickly replied to him. Fuck!

Karma is a bitch. Even when you are not on the receiving part. I mean, I really want to ignore him completely, because as I remember, value-wise, he does not gave me anything at all.

I'd rather call our relationship as an acquaintance than a friend.

But then, I wonder if I'm doing it, would other do it to me? Well I guess I don't neglect anybody so I should not worry. But (again) this conscience of mine, is so strong.

So in the iMsg, he was asking me a favour, just asking about some information on tourism of my place of study. Spam with texts.

I thought of ignoring him, or if I am evil enough, would say, "why ask me? Ask those whom you've sent the present. I am just a nobody. I am not an information counter".

But again my conscience kick me hard. I attend the message.

Then again, he made me mad. He don't even say thanks!! Damn it.

Rude person. Very very rude.

Happy

Today is the one of the best day.

I have been whatsapp-ing with Mr G! Yeay!!

Well it was unintended really. And I felt nervous at first. And an a bit furious.

Last time I checked, he last seen online 3 am in the morning. I can't stop wondering who he has been whatsapp-ing.

I wanted to ask Mr G about the procedure for the forms preparation. But I've made some foolish mistake. I misunderstood the post on our Facebook group. I thought he did the procedure, but in actuality, he did not.

So after laughing a bit, although feeling proud that I am being aloof with him (you think you cute? heh), then he started to ask me about if I have completed filling all the forms.

That was a surprise. I mean I did not expect him to actually leading the conversation. But as this post was delayed, I thought maybe he was like that because well, all of us are filling the forms right now, so it is normal to ask in every conversation we engaged, or;

Maybe he felt the need to being nice to me, cause I gave him the chocolate dedication. (suspicious me)

We both haven't filled the forms. I told him I am going to go to Kuala Lumpur next month to fill the forms. He told me that my other batchmate did invite him to go and filled the forms together, and that other batchmate did invite me too.

I was about to dance knowing I can see him again as we are going to be on the trip together.

Too bad he said he can't join the trip. Because he need to care for his older sister.

Suddenly I feel curious. I thought he was the second child, as his older sister has married. Why would he need to care for his sister when her sister got her husband?

Then, I just knew that he got a handicapped sister. The oldest one.

It has came into my thought that I always thought Mr G is blessed, with good look and tall.

It turn out that his genetics does not only contain all the good stuff. Well I don't have the heart to ask what was her sister handicapped was. I thought it seems too intrusive.

Mr G also has a lot of burden to hold, as his parent went away on a trip.

We chatted more after that. And as I can't really talk about our interest as we both don't have the same interest, I still asked about his family more.

And I even flirted with him. Saying that I don't really know him eventhough we learnt together for six years, so maybe we should do our housemanship together. Haha.

Well, he said we still can whatsapp during the training. :P

Anyhow, it is a good chat. Too bad I was on a trip, so my reception was bad. I need to postpone the conversation, but God knows when I would have a strong reason to whatsapp him again. :(

****************************************************

Meanwhile, I was so proud. Because people ask if I was still studying. Did I looked that young?? (but in actuality I have no licence, and my parent was driving me in a rundown car -.-)

In one location, an old man with white beard suddenly greet me, saying I was handsome. I was like, sarcasm?? -.- Then he asked where I schooled.

Damn. Really? I looked young? I don't even took care of my skin because I have been busy. I think it was my acne who gave the student vibe.

We can't talk longer cause I got something to do. Then after I have done, I saw that the old man was talking with another boy. Age about 16 years old like that. And I could not stop noticing that the old man's hand was moving everywhere. From the boy's shoulder, to the hands, and keep rubbing the hands. Hahahaha.

Well it is a curious case.

Random

Since the moment I realized that Mr G is way taller than me, my confidence has broken into pieces.

I am so self conscious.

Maybe because I think he is out of my league.

Or maybe because I want to be like him.

When I read yaoi manga, it always feature the top as manly, while the bottom being cute. I mean, because the bottom being cute, the top can't denied the feeling.

It can't be wrong when someone loves pretty things.

And as I read it somewhere, when a man fell into a effeminate guy, he was being straight.

However, from my observation, there are two types of effeminate guy. The pretty one, and the ugly one.

So I thought, maybe I can "charm" a man to fall into me. There is hope after all. Heh.

Sometimes, I imagine me acting all cute to Mr G. Maybe he would fall with me.

But even in my own imagination, that was a horrible sight, as I looked into the mirror -.-

I am the ugly one. But I am no longer effeminate. I think. Haha.

I don't have the slightest feature, that one can call, as cute.

But...

I have been receive mixed signals.

I mean there was a moment while Mr G and I was eating together, Mr G was signaling to me to feed him.

And the moment when we were walking in a group, suddenly he hint me to hold his hand.

But during both of the occasion, when I was actually wanting to do it, Mr G resist. T_T

And things will no be moving anywhere as I am already attached. With a woman.

Talking about being attached, yesterday I dreamed of having sex with a woman.

Surprise! Surprise!

In that dream the woman complimented my junk but suddenly I though that it's my dream, so I was actually complimenting myself?? OMG so sick. Eh Too much information

So maybe I am bisexual. So that means I can definitely live a double lives. Yeay!!

Anyhow...

I am feeling better now.

Because I was staying in Kuala Lumpur for a while before going back to my hometown.

And I realize they are many people who shorter than me. Good looking, but short.

Haha. Talking about being kiasu.

I think the God is fair.

I realized a lot of good looking guy, is short. Like Mr H.

So, right now, I think I won't really envy anybody as I think they would have defect somewhere.

And the most interesting things was, if their defect is not apparent, so they must have some defect in the inside. Muahahaha *evil laugh*

Now, isn't it interesting to think about what would the defect would be?? small penis, hernia, hemorrhoids,  hairy birth marks, scar, impotence, one testis apparently larger that another one etc

Back for good

I went back to Malaysia for good on 18th October. I used to feel excited that I finally able to leave that country, but for some weird reason, I felt sad.

I think I am not sad because I missed the country's people nor the scenery, but because of the easy and simple life by being a student.


I mean, I was literally was paid just to study.

Nevertheless, I also felt angry when seeing graduation photo on Facebook that belongs to my batchmate.

As I said in previous posts before, the university administration has arranged us according to rank, and not only that, they even gave the scroll colour, according to your cGPA.

The brown scroll for cGPA 3.5 and above, green for 3. to 3.49, and the rest was blue. I got blue scroll.

So many photos of me, taking pictures with my friend who was holding a green, or better, brown scroll. Damn it.

There was also a complimentary souvenir. The size also given according to the cGPA. The top scorer got a transparent plate, with some text on it, at the size of A4 paper.

For me, I got something like the medal that you got in athletics. -.-

I... maybe regret taking this course.....

****************************************

Meanwhile, my study groupmate decided that they are going to meet the night before the day of my flight back.

In my group, only two of us who got the blue file. One of them is of course, me, and another one, already left to Malaysia.

What I meant was, the people who decided to meet up, was the top scorer.

I waited for two hours, but they don't come. They don't even reply on the event that they created on the Facebook.

And mysteriously, my post on the event, complaining the absence of them, disappeared.

I was rage. I got lots of things to settle, and I haven't finish packing my luggage yet. So I just went back to my home, even though suddenly they were claiming that the were coming.

When I got back home, I cried. For no reasons.

Or maybe, because of regret, or hurt, of so many other things.

One, I felt humiliated during the graduation day. My parent naively asking where my plate were. Of course I said I don't get it due to my low pointer.

Second, those top scorer, they may study so well. But their human relationship is bad. They got no manner. Well they are nice people, but they don't really took care of other people feeling. (read: not being sensitive). Heck, during our study group discussion, they did in half-heartedly. But they are the most celebrated on the graduation day

Thirdly, I felt regret. I am convinced that I will most definitely get distinction if I change my course

Fourth, I am sad to separate with my crushes, and as I was being depressed, I also keep on thinking why I can't be normal like others. I mean, there's hope to be with my crushes if I was a girl.

I showed some disappointment to Mr H, whose house were used for the gathering. Mr H, whom previously being so hard to locate during the graduation day when I want to take pictures with him, (and after that I expect nothing more from him) suddenly being so nice on that night.

He insist that I stayed a bit.

But I was busy, and I got works to do.

When I arrived at home, I got calls from them. But I did not answer them.

So rage and emo.

F*ck!

The end is near

Finally I have a big reason to whatsapp-ing Mr G. Haha

I was afraid that he only got whatsapp for his Malaysian number, but then when I opened my whatsapp, it said he just online 15 minutes ago. Hehehe

So we had a chat. For sometime.

Then he asked me to pause. To wait. I wonder what was he doing.

Then he called me.

We chat a bit.

I was telling him about our junior who wanting to make the contract. 

He asked, "who want your house? a married couple?"

"Nope. You know that guy *description here*. He and his friend *name here* ."

"I see. Two men. Gay again? LOLs"

"Haha..."

I am not sure if it was a good or bad thing that we do the gay jokes here. I mean there's sometime when I do the jokes, I really mean it. But when Mr G doing it, particularly about affection etc, I can't be sure if there would be some sincerity in it. But of course I wish it would be true.

I am going to be separated with Mr G the day after tomorrow. After this, I can no longer see him face to face.

I know that there might be a chance that I will meet someone better, and maybe, someone whom I can, you know, do more.

I can't help myself to stop comparing with others. Although I think I know better that I never once, won. 

And with Mr G, it seems that I am out of his league.

He is good looking, tall, study well and so on.

Sometimes I wish life would be just similar as the gay movies. Like two men being a close friends, then suddenly one of them realized that he has fall in love with the other one.

And after some conflict, the other guys realized he too feels the same. Then the two of the live happily ever after.

But meh, I am so different with Mr G. And I think nowadays I always made stupid jokes whenever I am with him. Oh bollocks!

To end my post, well I am so desperate depressed.

Graduation

Praise to God, I've graduated. Yeay!!

Mixed feeling right now. Happy because it has finally ended, sad because I will need to separated with my friends (read: Mr G) and scared because I am so not ready getting into the work life.

I am also angry to myself because I sat at the back, as I got low cGPA.

And the university couldn't be more meaner when they gave different plate size and colour. According to your pointer. I got the smallest, that looks like a medal. pfft!

My spirit was at the lowest. I mean can I be a doctor? Or should I change my profession somewhere in the future?

And my mother makes a naive mistake asking why you don't get those big plate?? Where's yours? -.-

In a silver lining, one of my diligent batchmate, whom I know her being so interested in medicine. She even used her holiday by doing elective in the hospital. But I am surprised that she sat not so far from me. Hmm...

I guess for her cGPA means nothing. I am sure she will be a excellent physician someday albeit not getting 3.00 and above.

************************************

In the meantime, I gave Mr G dedication chocolates.

I thought it would be a some sort of awkward moment, like he would wonder out of all people, why I gave it to him. So I thought maybe I would at least continue flirting with him, or if I dare enough, confess my feeling to him.

But it didn't. By the slip of fate my other friend who received my dedication was standing near. He flocked nearer, thanking me and all (your are welcome) and when Mr G asked, "did you gave the chocolate to everyone?"

I would say, "only to you, my precious", but instead I blurted, "I gave it to those I called as my friend". Damn it. Still so corny lols

It was quite funny that after that suddenly Mr G said to me to say to my father that he felt sorry because after my father making a conversation with him in the plane, after a moment Mr G went to the toilet, but later on, Mr G sat at the empty seat behind my father. I mean Mr G deliberately escaping from talking with my parent haha.

But I don't mind. Me myself realized my father could be a bit boring sometime. (biased me) :P

***************************************

Anyhow, I still couldn't get over the fact that Mr G is taller than me. Other than he maybe a bit allopecic, everything about him is fine. Darn it!!

And I also realize I am height conscious. -.-

***********************************

Anyhow I have graduated. And my parent was present here. That's all that matters. :)

Still, I just feel like it was only yesterday I first got cheated by the locals. Haha. *sigh*

Graduation Dinner

Mr G is back! And to make things interesting, he was in the same flight as my parent. And they even sat next to each other in the flight.

I guess in the future if Mr G become my boyfriend, it would be easier for me to introduce him LOLs.

Anyhow, Mr G and I feel distant, again. I realized I have this weird shy attitude with people that I don't meet for a long time. Like when Mr H came back, I tried not to accidentally met him. Eventhough I went to his house for some matter with his housemate, I am feeling so glad knowing he was asleep when I was there.

But we are getting closer back. Mr G, Mr H and I. Haha.

****************************************

We have our graduation dinner. two days before graduation.

I am so not in mood taking pictures with anybody. First I hate my look. It's all wrong and not photogenic. My hair, my skin, my ear lobe. I have a very low self esteem at this moment.

Secondly, my suit is bad. I bought the ready made. Turn out I can fit in, but the suit was intended for taller people.

Thirdly, I have no good camera.

Fourth, my BB cream went away when I washed my face one hour before the event. Pffftt!!

And lastly, because this is still not the end. We still have the graduation day.

**************************************

I really wanted to take picture with Mr G, just the two of us. But I don't want people feeling awkward seeing me taking couple photo while NOT taking picture with others . I can always take solo picture with them but I feel it is a hassle as I want to take solo picture with everybody during the graduation because we don't know when we will meet again.

****************************************

There was a red carpet photography session yesterday. However I don't take any because my self esteem felt to lowest that night.

Because of Mr G.

No, not because he humiliated me or something, but because I just realised he is taller than me.

Damn it!! I thought we were of the same height! No wonder he looks so good.

Adding salt to the wound, his suit is so great. Damn it, again!! I am so wanted to hug him from behind!

************************************

Anyhow, actually I am feeling so down because the university arranged us in the hall for graduation, according to our cGPA.

My G sat way top of me.

And I sat way behind. People of the last row.

I hate this. I am so broken.

p/s: we were walking from our outdoor photoshoot session, suddenly Mr G makes a gesture wanting to hold my hand. I got mixed signal now. -.-

p/s: Mr G bought a galaxy note. But when people wanting to take a look at it, he quickly locked his whatsapp application. Damn!! I feel so intrigue to know with whom he messaged??

I wonder if there is a tiniest possible that was in a relationship with a male? haha #hopelessme

Desperate

As I keep on watching till the second season of Raising Hope, I am totally hooked with it. And with Jimmy (Lucas Neff). 

Funny things is, he looked like Mr R.

They both are fair, not hairy on the limb but hairy on the chest lol. They looked so good when wearing round neck shirts with skinny sleeves.

It seems that I am not sure if I am just missing to talk to Mr R, or having a crush or I am actually felt in love with him. Or I am just desperate from reading the Yaoi manga #FML

And things don't get better seeing when Jimmy wrote a play to his girlfriend, and when they both kissing, I get tear-eyed.

Because I imagine me being the girl but sadly it won't happen to me.

Lucas Neff is so cute, so does Mr R.

******************************************************

Last week, Mr R and I were chatting in the game of League of Legends. As usual, he asked me whether I want to play with him or not.

The word "play" serves many meaning to us. One, of course the usual playing of games. Second, doing sex.

So me being flirtatious, I said, "you asked me to 'play' with you?? Play what?? OMG you!! 0.0"

He replied, "of course playing games. What were you have been thinking?? If you were talking about sex, well I don't want your butt cause it belongs to your housemate. I don't do second hand" 

A running jokes in my batch is that my housemates and I were gay couple living together. My housemate is straight. Although sometimes I feel like I am his wife when I bought the groceries *gasps!*

I wished my housemate would be someone of my taste so I could, you know, turning him into homos. lol

Then Mr R and I made lots of butt-sex jokes. Like he suddenly told us to go to a friends house all four of us tonight. I asked for what reason? He said to do butt sex altogether -.-

So after that I jokingly asked him to ask his Middle Eastern friend to get anyone of who interested in butt sex. 

He replied asking, "you would really do Mr E? Seriously, Mr E? That's your taste?? I can give you his number. You can even called him tonight for booty call hahaha"

I replied, "yeah right. As if I would do butt sex in the first place". Then I said, "you talk a lot about anal sex. Seriously, the question here, like you ever would do a butt sex. Would you do it?"

He said, "of course, but not with a man. With woman."

That makes me thinking. If you got a girl, why bother go for the butt when one can just have a go at her pussy??

He don't reply my question as he was in-game.

So does he one of us?? Even me myself squirm at the thought of doing anal sex. I feel dirty. Well I am not sure how I would feel cause I am a virgin haha.

Raising Hope

I am currently hooked on this television series titled "Rising Hope". It is basically about a single dad raising his daughter.

When I first watched the first episode, during the earlier part, I was thought, "meh, another main cast who is a loser". I mean, I can't stand people who get into trouble because he/she has no self-control.

Right now I myself don't have a self control either. I have been lazying around all day all week and still haven't done my pending task.

But it turn out that the series is more that it is. Luckily the main cast don't faced too much problem because of his stupidness/naiveness.

Actually I continued watching the series because Lucas Neff is so cute, and it is amazing that some people can be good looking without the need of being ripped. Damn the blessed people!!!

Suddenly things get more interesting because I really love Virginia the mom, and their family jokes. I can't stop watching now. Haha.

But really, Lucas Neff is unbelievably cute. For some reason when I google image-ed him, he doesn't look so good. I maybe because of the make up, the bangs or maybe because of what people called, "photogenic"??

******************************************

There was a moment about Jimmy (Lucas Neff) complaining to his parent that he doesn't get expensive toys during his childhood, and he was so determined not to let the same things happen to his daughter.

Well, I felt corny. I meant, I am the child who don't get the expensive toys. But because of that, I don't become spoilt. I don't show off, and I don't throw tantrum when I don't get what I want.

I did feel so sad at first. But now I know I won't get it, as my parent couldn't afford it so I am being grateful with what I have.

Maybe to the level that I don't have expectation to anybody because I don't want to get hurt.

******************************************

I also have this opinion that we should not spoil our children too much to build character and self dependence.

But nowadays, I guess every parent (even my brothers) spoilt their children. I am really afraid of what becoming to their child. I heard stories that teacher these days can't do anything at all to the students. Even now the students is bloody rude. If the teacher do something, their parent will go bashing the school.

Anyhow it is still early to tell, but I hope for the best of my nephew. I only have this opinion based on how my parents taught me, but maybe my parent's method is flawed, who knows.

******************************************

I tweeted something about the funny things in the Raising Hope. Mr Z asked what it was.

I replied. With three tweets posts.

Then that it is. Silence. Not even a "Haha".

I feel neglected. Like I am wasting my energy again.

God, I should stop being so naive!!

Mental note: #ignore Mr Z. He ask with one word, I should reply with one letters. Muahahahahaha *evil laugh*

Recent

Can we turn others into HOMOS?? Haha

Finally my mood has stabilized. Right now, I just don't give a damn anymore. I'll give my attention just to those who worth it. Haha

I've just acting normal and get on as usual with Mr Z, his housemates and his neighbour.

I like his neighbour best because his neighbour is generous with everything. If we have any food project, his neighbour will contribute as much as he can. As Mr Z, bluegghh. Do. Not. Give. Expectation. At All.

OK maybe I was too harsh. Mr Z does have his good points.

I do felt content that Mr Z realized that I am disappointed. 

It is funny that his ego is too big.

You see, we used to go jog together in the morning. But on the day I pestered him to do the video, he don't reply my message. He reply 3 hours later saying he just woke up.

I am sure it was a lie. I am confident he still woke up at that time, because he actively tweeting 10 minutes before my message.

Frustrated, I made a twitter status saying 

It's difficult when u did something for someone, they don't appreciate u. but it's ok. maybe it's my fault too. i shouldn't have too high of an expectation

The day after that, he don't asked me to go jog together anymore. And no longer showing signs that he woke up in the morning. Haha.

Well it don't affect me to the bit. It is for the better actually. Because I want to go jog more distance. But with him, I need to jog in shorter distance, and not forgetting the long resting period. I would rather resting by walking, so by that I would be covering more miles even when recovering.

Damn. Wasted my time ranting about Mr Z. #FML.

Lonely

It's 23 September now. In less than one month I will be leaving for good to Malaysia.

I am nervous. Of the unknown future.

**********************

As I have too much time alone, I've made some deep thought. About friends. About friends' behaviour to me. Yeah it is always about me haha.

Anyhow if you noticed, I've made a lot of post about friend. About my unsatisfaction. Am I too choosy? Am I too demanding??

It is just... why life is so complicated? Or because I was being selfish so I am the one who made it so complicated?

Well I am not totally at fault.

You know that I am still mad at Mr Z (that friend). But what I am most annoyed was he just made like nothing happened. Well I myself did the same also. I am cool just like that, as I said lol.

I really hate his ignorance.

Actually my reason of anger was I was being left out. Haha.

They went to make a suit but they don't invite me. But maybe because I told them I've one. But I want to made another one. But I have no money. But it is so cheap. But it is not like I am going to wear them frequently. But I am just being greedy. OK stop!

And recently I read that they are making satay. They don't invite me yet. Hmm. It is ok anyway, I was on diet and I want to save.

Anyhow, I say life was complicated because the person we want to care don't care about us, but the people who cared about us, we tend to neglect.

Mr Z is a nice people to hang out with. To laugh with and so on. But he is so stingy. So calculative. *although he made a post thanking me for teaching him how to make roti jala*

But still, maybe I was mad because he is a man of a few words. Last time I got my voice up at him cause he refused to call his neighbour just to ask if the neighbour is ready for our steamboat party. I mean what is the problems??

In other notes, Mr T is so talkative. Suit him well cause he knows a lot of people, and people knows him too. And not to forget, he seems to know everything. Haha.

But I feel annoyed with Mr T. He talks to much, asks too much. I feel tired.

Somehow at one time I found that Mr Z and I, we both are ignoring Mr T. Haha

I am lonely. I need company. I miss my friend who was in Malaysia already. I am bored with the friends here hahaha.

I'm just cool like that

Anyhow I think I don't care anymore.

Furthermore, I think that friend would definitely feels that other than that project's benefits to only fills the slot during the graduation dinner, and to some extend, being one of the last moment of us in here, I think that will be it.

And I should always knew that that friend only take things seriously regarding the matters of just academic. Which I should do also.

I am one that hard to get upset but I am easily cooled. Maybe that was the reason people always take advantages on me. And I can't stand not talking to the people that I've been close too.

*****************************************

Mr R is acting weird. Haha

I've only gone for jogging about 3-4 times a week, and now because of my video project, I don't go anymore. But tonight I am planning to go.

I was talking to Mr R in our game chat. And he asked me what did I do nowadays (didn't know he would care lol)

So I told him I have been gone jogging.

And when it was his turn to make the video, I went to his house.

Last time I went, he was sleeping with only a strip of clothes covering the area between his belly button and thigh. I wonder if he slept naked. Haha.

And that day, as usual, he just woke up. And he was wearing only boxers. OMG.

It is weird really because I am not feeling any lust to steal more looks. Maybe I was tired because I have masturbated that morning (lols again) I was making the video. And also I kept avoiding staring because well, that would be weird.

I don't see any six pack because he is hairy. Quite hairy for a fair person.

When I saw him in that way I gave his a remarked, "OMG, you are naked!! What a sight!! My eyes OMG!! OMG!!"

He was a bit drowsy, silent at first then just smiled then said, "yeah. I know. I should've covered it now but still I don't"

OK did he just do that to show off? To flaunt himself to me? haha dreaming again Soy Bean?

Anyhow, I went out of his bedroom, then he closed the door. I was talking with his other housemates while he was getting ready.

While I was sitting at the sofa alone, he came then kept poking my chest. He said, "so you have been working out?? Looking nice. You are so hardworking".

Really? He noticed something?? Honestly I don't feel a thing. I mean I still feel fat as a pig. Even my chest muscle is still flat.

So that makes me thinks. Did he just caress me?? LOLs.

Why is he making those weird signs?? or it is just me? Hahaha

Calculative

Today is 19 September. I promised to my friend that I'll visit him at the capital after 16 September.

But after the recent event mentioned in my previous post, I am not sure anymore.

I think I need to revise my friendship.

That friend who lives in the capital don't really do anything significant to me.

But he did to others.

It has been 5 years, but I still remember that he bought souvenir t-shirts for two of my friends for their birthday, but none for me.

I seriously think that they get the present because they are better looking than me.

I mean how come when you went to a place, you specially remembered to buy two t-shirt for your other friend, but you don't remember mine?

And you even have the guts to ask me to deliver the t-shirt, when I am the one who takes the trouble to visit you? In the capital. 4 hours of traveling.

That's it. I can't get over it. I am not going. And I am wondering if he would asked me if I will. Let see if he cares enough.

Frustrated

We were shooting for our graduation dinner video.

We divided the schedule according to the area. And yesterday was my area.

There are a lot of Malaysian in my area so we decided to just call around 10 people for our shooting. Because we think it would be too crowded with too much people.

And, I feel a bit guilty because my recently close friend (he lives nearby so I usually went to his house) wasn't not invited by the group.

But, I decided that I would take that friend footage later on with his housemates and neighbour.

Things has been favourable for me. I mean everybody give a substantial cooperation to me. While shooting, I thought about that friend so I leave some part hoping that person would do it.

Today we finished shooting in all the area. So I thought I would ask that friend to do it after this.

Turn out, he refused. Saying he is camera shy etc.

I am in rage!!

What the f*ck?? What is the problem?? I leave the most easier, idiot-looking proof part for you. I mean unless you are so retarded, you won't mess it.

Honestly, I can finish shooting with those sporting people but I took the liberty to leave some part for you. And FYI many people are asking for that part because it is one of the easiest!!

When editing, some part was missing. That friend's part.

What I hate the most it because you don't appreciate my effort. And I can't think another reason for your refusal other that you said you are being unreasonably shy. Who you think you are??

Other people are shy too, but they still do it nevertheless.

To think that I've spend days to think what act you can do so as not to taint your non-existent image.

I have been trying to persuade him. I sent comment on his Facebook wall.

Adding oil to the fire, when I went to have a look at his profile, it disappear.

 He DELETED my comment. Oh no you didn't!

But I guess it is my fault too. I have too high of an expectation. I should've known you better, as we have been friends for about two years.

I should have knew you are the person that don't really believe in giving things more that to receive.

And also your inferiority complex, your insecure feeling, your mysterious I-have-a-secret attitude, and your I-can-look-at-your-stuff-but-you-can't-look-at-mine behaviour, are annoying.

Seriously, why are you so insecure?? Bad childhood?

Why when I am being the good guy, I am always the one who being pathetic and unappreciated??


I am tired, and sleepy. I guess that was the reason for me being cranky.

So hot!

I went to my colleagues' house, because we need to discuss our said project

The said partner lives with his two other person, P and N

P is cute and tall. I seriously think if medicine don't work out for him, he could be a model anytime. I started to notice him in my second year when I started to compare my height with everybody because I am feeling insecure with my height. Then I thought who the hell is that damn tall guy??

He is one of those people who was blessed with the good skin. He don't have acne scar, and his body is clean and smooth. I love it because he usually wore shorts in his house, and this time I came, he was shirtless.

Well maybe I have a tiny bit of crush on him.

His plus point is he is very good with person. He is a bit goofy sometimes but I think that was his charm. But he is straight I guess. Eventhough we do a lot of pervert gay jokes sometimes.

Like he said, "Do you want a banana??". Then he said again, "said the sentences, then make eye contact". *Laugh *.  If you know what I mean.

And when he starts going to the gym for sometimes, he become more delicious.

P body is toned I guess. He has a formed pecs. But when I focused my eyes on his abs, luckily his abs don't really show. I said "luckily" because at least he is not on the A-level of hotness so I don't have a strong reason to drool and envious of him haha.

And P don't do cardio often so I guess as long he just keep on doing strength training only at his upper arm only, his abs won't show. Although I would definitely gone crazy if it does because he is totally my taste.

N, on the other hand, has about the same build as me. Beefy, althought I'd say he has a smaller build that me. We were in the same class when we were 13 years old. Then he transfer. And when we were 18, we met again till now.


We have a cross country competition last year. I was about in the same rank as him, but I was in front of him because I sprint near the finish line.

So I always have this impression that he is fatter than me haha


I saw N while jogging in the last Friday morning. He was jogging non-stop. As for me, I need to make a stop once a while.

When I saw him jogging away, I noticed that he has smaller calf muscle.

And today, when I was in his house, he was about to go jogging again. So I said "does your body finished??" (a running joke between their housemates, because P usually said his body still haven't finished eventhough he has been going to the gym for sometimes)

Then he flashes his shirtless body and flexed a bit, and to my surprise, there is as six packs!

A SIX PACKS!!

OMG!!! So hot and so envious!! And that means I is not impossible for me to get one.

But his six packs is muscular and bulging. I want to be the lean and toned six packs.

That house has never been so hot!!

Post grad

My friend who was in Malaysian attended a medical convention. He told me that my senior of 4 years present a research paper there.

OMG I'm having a great respect for him (the Senior).

The senior was my facilitator during my orientation when I first set my foot at the Middle East. He and I was from two different university. He was my facilitator because we were staying at the capital before going to my designated state.

I'm feeling respect for him because he went to further his master so quick. I heard stories that you need to queue to become a specialist with the Ministry of Health scholarship.

But I always new that the Senior is an excellent student. And with his quite a good look (fair skin), I am sure the head of department pleased to recommend him.

As for me, the time is still long, but I still haven't decide my future goals.

Of course every House Officer will want to further into specialist for the less work burden and also the money.

But for me, I don't know. I don't know if I have the interest or the talent.

I read a Medical Officer (MO) blogs. Well she just stayed being a MO for some years, and from her stories is was not so bad. I mean she does state that she was envious of her batchmate who further their studies but she states that her life now is just fine.

I do longed the feeling of achievement, and I won't mind to get noticed sometimes, with a proud achievement.

Right now, I am so sad with my final grades (it is still pass), but I wonder what my cGPA would be -.-

But I prefer cooking and computer stuff than the medical stuff.

Sometimes I wonder if I continue in cooking school or multimedia school, would I be more successful??

I mean I heard a story that a friend of mine took a geology course. At first her parent smirked (and even me) at the course's name. I mean how could one make a living from studying a rock??

Turn out after he graduated, he get offered a job in oil company in Dubai. OMG!!

I sometimes thought to take a course in culinary, after this. but I guess to start my housemanship would be easier.

I hope I can stand the housemanship. God help me.

Homosexuality

I just figuratively becoming the spoke-person for gay people. But only to my family hahahaha.

No, I still haven't came out (maybe never). It is just recently the internet in my family and friends network was roared with the guidelines from the Ministry of Education about the gay and lesbian guidelines.

About how to detect gay and lesbian. To see the character if it was in their children then do the corrective measure. Seriously? -.-

So it all began when my cousin (W, mentioned in previous post) tweets, saying:

I don't believe when gay people said they are born this way. I thinks it is their choice. It is optional

So I replied the tweet by saying, why would a person choose a road that is difficult, and not what people would regard as "normal"?? unless if he/she was born this way??

The suddenly out of sudden my brother and his wife also replied the tweet. I am quite afraid that my identity will be discovered.

I, of course, of all people understand very well the feeling.

And, now I get it when the gay people said, "the masses don't 'get it'"

Seriously I am so tired rebutting to my own family. They always have the idea that it all due to the peer influence, bad parenting, external factors etc.

And my heart beats so fast cause I am afraid they would noticed something is not right. But luckily they don't, yet.

They don't believe that people can have the feeling wired to the brain. Or that hormonal exposure during the pregnancy can altered one orientation. They keep on saying it all due to the wrong education and earlier years of nurturing.

I was just about to tell them that how come that was possible because I was in the Islamic kindergarten, I don't even know the word gay until I am 11 years old and stumble upon it when I search the internet for "nude man", yet I always fond to the male friend, don't notice the female (nor wanting to get know them) and whenever the advertisement showed men with six-pack, I got an erection??

Also the funny scenario when I rub a girl's hand because she blamed me for making it dirty, yet I don't feel a thing yet everybody made a gossip about it.

But of course that was like taking a ticket to suffering. I mean the most possible scenario if I came out to my parent would be they will send me to the motivational religious camp. Really. They are so conservative that sometimes I do hate them. I mean they don't allow me to have long hairs!! I seriously look weird in my curly wavy hair

But to my brother and his wife, I am not sure. They seems open-minded, but I guess I don't really trust them, yet.

During the discussion, I have the feeling to just let it go because I hate conflict and of course not to breach my undercover but then I need to try to explain to them as clear as I can.

Because honestly I do feel pity to those gay who succumb to their desire and live a rotten live. I once joked to my gay friend that I want to make an association to guard the well-being of gay. Me as the president while he being my vice (power crazy much?)

In conclusion, I am happy that I was able to change their mind maybe a little bit, saying this could be a inborn error, a test from the God and encourage the government, the religious scholar and the physician to do more research in this topic.

May Allah bless us all. Allah knows better

Relatives

I have cousins, whose family is one that I envy because their family seems to be "well-off"

The first reason, W and F was born in England while uncle and aunt studied there.

I have this theory that the place you was born thus the food that you eat can influence your look.

I mean, W and F both pretty and handsome. I have crushed on both of them. Not sure if it was a crush of I just love to have a look at them. V, the second children, has a ordinary look.

My cousins' order of birth is like this. W, V, F, S, T. V was born in Malaysia after my uncles and aunt got their degree while F was born back in England because they were doing their Master.

Secondly, my cousins has the opportunity to learn musical instrument during their childhood. Well I do get an electronic keyboard for my birthday but my parent can't afford to pay for the class. I really want to learn piano someday. But I hope my finger don't get stiffed.

Thirdly, they got like lots of English story books. 

My English when I was in primary school is so bad. I am so envious of them because the were exposed to lots of English books. They used to read children books written by the famous writer such as Enid Blyton and... well that was the one that I know T_T

When we went to their house, the are a lot of English story books. And I was like, "OMG they must be damn good in English".

My parent? "The books are expensive"-.- I need to borrow the books from the library. I think the library has played a lot of roles in my early years of development.

Fourthly, as I said, they are quite rich. Before they own their house, they used to rent in a two-story house. In the kitchen, there were a lot of expensive electrical and electronic device. And being a child, my favourite thing was they have a lot of toys. I still remember that I was so excited knowing that my parent going to visits their house because then I can play with their LEGO.

I only have the chances playing with LEGO rip-off. Whenever I played, I always build something big, in the end, I end up with not enough pieces. When my parent bought a new one, there were of different sizes and type.

When I knew that LEGO is so expensive, I am so terrified when seeing my cousin throw their LEGO blocks everywhere.

I am so fond of W, their oldest daughter. She is pretty, she plays the piano and seem to be a very good person.

Until recently I get in touch with W a lot on twitter, and I also follows her blog.

And I stumble upon her blog post ranting about her life.

Well I do know that she took engineering degree, but now she was working at her parent's pharmacy while doing master in another course. Totally different from the taken degree.

She was older than my 4th brother but even my brother who took medicine has started working.

I followed her blog when I found it then she make the blog private but recently it was opened to public again.

And I was surprised reading that she wrote that there were a few things that she was envious of our family.

My parent always lives moderately, spends only on important things and always find the cheaper deals. And not to mention, academic is everything.

I guess it is true that when we are envious of others, there must be something that other people envious of us.

So, be contented

The result was out

Finally the result was out.

I got B for the subjects. Meh. Seeing others getting better grades brings the kiasu spirit mode in me. But being "kiasu" after the exams whatsmore after the result has no use really.

I am feeling so inferior.

And of course I can't help to see Mr G's result.

He got A for a subject. Oh my God!! How come? I think he is as clueless as me

But I am still happy for him. Well top should score better WTF

******************************

Mr G has been rather active in facebook lately by posting his photo. Vain much? haha.

And for some reason, I think I have been overly acting all close to him. Like I have been liking all his post, commenting, recommenting to his post and comments.

I do felt reluctant, afraid that he would think I am a stalker.

But I guess him being the normal innocent straight guy will think that I am just being his close buddy. Which I am glad to be.

I miss him. :(

My Girlfriend

I have a girlfriend. We are in a relationship, for about 4 years now. 2 years official, with my parent's knowledge. My mother even sent her a ring.

I am not sure of my feeling. I think I am gay, but my judgement say getting a girlfriend is more simple. I think I could live with her.

FYI, I am about to complete my studies. I am waiting for the result to come out then if I pass, I can officially graduate.

If all ends well, my graduation will be on the October. But my allowance from my scholarship ends at September. Which is this months.

Thing couldn't get more shitter because when I withdraw the money, the money stuck, I don't get it but my balance was subtracted.

I am officially broke.

My plan was to subscribe to faster internet so I can download Korean series. For the sake of enjoying a cheap internet.

However, I overspent buying things to bring to Malaysia.

With my current internet speed, I still can download them. But I am currently out of space to keep them. My new external broke.

Anyhow, my girlfriend is being a sweetheart today. She offered to pay for my external. No need to pay back.

OH MY GOD!!

Now I have a person who loves me more that I love her.

Why the hell I am destined in a complicated world?

Our different world

I always heard when a couple broke, either from a relationship or from marriage, the excuses always "we are not compatible"

Maybe it is just the phrase to cover another deeper problem but my point is, what is the definition of "compatible?". Does it mean the two person must have the same interest, likes and dislikes?

Or rather both of you is the total opposite, but in some way, you are completing each other?

This is NOT Mr G, but he totally looked like this. The innocent look, the beautiful smile. This is a scene in a porn LOLs

Mr G and I, we have different interest.

I am more like an indoor person. I like computer and technology related stuff. Which include computer games etc.

I play an online game name League of Legends (LOL). And some of my buddies also play that game. When we met, we can talk non-stop about it. Such a nerd.

My G, as I have mentioned it in my previous posts, love soccer.

And this days with the..... *google-ing for quite sometime* EUFA Premier Champions Europa League, things has been so hot in the Facebook's newsfeed. Oh I just knew that there are so many soccer events.

Mr G is of course is one of them

I just opened the web that I used to keep track on EURO 2012 while I was playing Fantasy Football (read it here) and suddenly I get bombarded with information. I mean there are a whole lot of team so how can you keep track of everything?

Honestly, I don't really "get it" what is so fun to keep track of soccer games. I mean I do play soccer a bit, but that's it. But what make me wonder is I saw Mr G and all other soccer game keep on making status like

This <insert player name> is no good
That team manager is suck badly

That team should buy this player

That player has no chance in that team
That player should play this position doing this and that etc etc

I mean seriously what did you get from saying all of those things? YOU ARE NOT PLAYING NOR INVOLVING IN THAT DAMN GAME!! And they didn't hear you either!!

And the most intriguing things is how can  you choose which team that you will support???

I am sure a lot of people will pick the team with the best performance but then later on when that team flunk, they will leave that team. Oh traitor!!

And some stupid fights between the fans. OMG.

Well I should respect their interest, in the hope that they will respect mine.

Anyhow I do realized the guys that I have crushed on always the one with this stereotype. Which make things more harder for me to get close to them because I don't follow soccer. We got nothing to talk about other that asking about daily habits.

Then I thought if we would be living together, isn't things would be awkward between us, with nothing to talk about?

But I guess with the power of love, you can do anything. Like when I tried to follow Euro 2012. Oh those are the days. Very stressful. So that's important to search for someone who loves you more. Haha

And that's so difficult for me cause I am nobody.

Tired

Went out with friends yesterday, watching the Dark Knight. Yeah it came out in the cinema so late in here.

I am a bit reluctant to go out cause my money is tight. But I'm feeling so bored.

Mr R, the person who is "...homophobic and even when looking for a girlfriend, he is too choosy. He got the Korean guys good look...(refer here) " was also there. Looking good as usual.

During our outing, I can't help to always steals a look at him. When I sat directly in front of him, I always make an eye contact at him while talking until I realized that I've not looking at other people at all (racist! haha)

Anyhow, Mr R has been so annoying as he is. It seems that there is nothing that can satisfy him. Whether it is a movie, game, food, sports, or I guess even woman. And the worst part is I felt so intimidated by him that I have wasted a bit of my brain neurons to pay attention at his likes and dislikes, and thinking ways to please him.

Oh God.

Life is so unfair. Or I think it isn't? A lot of people with the good looks have a very bad attitude while the so-so have a very good one. I guess because good-lookers comes with attractions (good and bad) so they need to build a wall to dispel the bad attraction while the bad-lookers need to work on their personalities to attract people.

But still, I still can't helped thinking that eventhough Mr R is annoying, his good looks and good body is a steals. I mean I think can handles his peeves as long as I can be besides him. Which so against my life principle which is "seek thou happiness" (I just made that up)

Mr H, he is nice alright, but I somehow automatically will teased and annoy him whenever we met. And he annoyed me back. The cycle continues. But I feel I should stop getting close to him, because we couldn't be together. So why waste my energy and keep getting hurt?

I guess that's the power of love. We will do whatever we can just to be beside the one that we love. The stupidity of love. One sided-love that is.

But I am feeling tired.

65 Questions Meme

1. Tell us who the last person that you took a shower with.
With my brother, 17 years ago

2. Tell us about your favourite tee-shirt.
look new, moderate design. not too flowery nor violent. must be comfortable

3. Has anyone ever hit on you even though they knew you were taken?
I am not sure if she was being nice or hitting me. But I'd said none nevertheless

4. Do you plan what to wear the next day?
Nope. I plan when I am about to choose things to wear

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Why?
Full and a bit bloated. I just ate.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's black?
My computer keyboard

7. Tell me about an interesting dream you remember having.
Mr G is PLU. haha

8. Did you or might you meet anybody new today?
Nope. I'm on holiday now, so I just stayed at home, or at my friend's home just a stone throw away

9. If you could be doing anything right now (or perhaps after you finish this ridiculous meme) what would it be?
I wish to do something productive like finishing my laundry and tidying my house but I think I'll end up either playing computer games or watching porn.

10. Can you think of a meme question that's never been asked?
Who's you boo? Ok #lame

11. What comes to mind when I say China?
Big country, lots of people

12. Are you overly emotional?
I don't cry a lot nor getting mad easily. But I think about things a lot. Is that called emotional??

13. If you could listen to just one rock album (CD, vinyl or mp3) which one would you pick?
I don't do rock.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Lick it.

15. Do you eat to live or live to eat?
Eat to live. I will always feel uncomfortable and regret when I overate. but still not bulemic

16. Do you like yourself?
I am not sure. I want to try to be somebody else

17. Would you go out to eat with Charlie Sheen?
Who's is that?

18. What was the last song that you listened to?
 Future Liger - Let's Dance.

19. Are (or were) your parents strict?
Yes they are.

20. Have you ever wondered what attending a wild orgy (if only to watch or...) would be like?
I'd say sexual activity is sacred and should only involved two people who is in love. Public sex, is awkward. And I don't feel comfortable revealing my body to public

21. I say cottage cheese. You say:
Sour. me dislike!

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yes. A few.

23. What was the last movie that you watched at home?
The Avengers.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
My drinking glass lol.

25. What countries have you visited?
Amsterdam, Brussels, Paris, Bourg St Maurice, Geneva, England, Ireland, Saudi Arabia, Egypt

26. Have you ever made a phone call while you were drunk that you've regretted? If yes, do tell.
I don't drink.

27. Where were you going the last time that you were on a train?
From Lancaster to London. It is fun but I regretted my decision cause taking a bus is way cheaper

28. Bacon or sausage?
Sausage

29. How long have you had a cell-phone?
8 years.

30. What other memes do you do regularly?
I don't do memes that often.

31. Who is the craziest meme host?
No idea.

32. Who invented chopsticks?
The Chinese.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Alone. Just got invited to watching movies yeay!!

34. Are you too forgiving?
Maybe. I feel peace.

35. When was the last time that you were in love?
Everytime :'')

36. Tell us about your best friend.
He knows my deepest secret, humble, and not pretentious. But I felt quite sad that he is focusing on his career that we don't contact each other much.

37. What was the stupidest thing you learned in high school?
I like learning.

38. What was the last thing that you cried about?
I missed someone that I could not be with. And also for being like this.

39. What was the last question you asked?
You are not using this blended onion right? haha

40. Favourite thing to do this time of the year?
Rest and sleep. But now I rather go meeting people

41. If you had to get a (or another) tattoo, what would it be?
I will never do a tattoo.

42. How would your best friend describe you?
I am not sure if anyone consider me his best friend. We don't really say things like "You are my best friend" aloud. But most people say I am a good cook.

43. Have you ever seen all three Twilight films?
No.

44. Ever walked into a glass door?
No.

45. Favourite colour on that person that you are attracted to?
Blue, Black, White. I am so jealous of people who can wears white boxer without getting stained haha

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Joke slap.

47. What hair style (for you) would you like to see return?
My long and re-bonded hair. I want to rebond my hair, but am afraid of the hair loss. I think my hair is getting thinner

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Don'r remember. Maybe the Best of Anita Sarawak which was on discount CD 7 years ago.

49. Do looks matter to you?
Yes. But I don't have the right because my look is so-so

50. Could you ever forgive a liar?
I will remember his/her lies whenever I see him/her

51. What's the hardest bill to pay every month?
Internet. Cause I need to go to their center

52. Do you like your life right now?
It could be better.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Nope

54. Can you handle the truth?
Depends.

55. Do you have good vision?
Physically, I'm on low power short-sighted. Literally, yes I have some plans for the future

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Nope

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Not often.

58. What celeb would you like to come home to?
Siwan of ZE:A or Choi Sungmin of Coed School. or Sungmin SuperJunior, or Sandeul B1A4. OMG so many lol

59. What are you wearing?
Old tee and towels. Just got back from the toilet

60. What is your favourite wild animal?
Hurm. I don't have much experience with wild animal. I like tiger or lion provided that they don't eat me.

61. What is your favourite genre of movie?
Romantic comedy, motivation (the one shows a person starts with a loser life later gets improved life), science fiction of technological advancement (I don't like mystery sci-fi).

62. Can you waltz?
No.

63. Do you have a job?
Not yet. Waiting for graduation

64. What was the most recent thing you stole?
Somebody's heart. #lame. I don't steal

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes. When I was a little boy. Walking through door is so mainstream