He came

A few weeks ago, I got an unexpected whatsapp message from Mr G.

It has been a while. After all, there was not so much that we can talk right? We are totally opposite of each other.

Turn out, his brother going to have a graduation by the end of November, near my working place. Oh my, I haven't stalked his family much that I have been so ignorant. LOL

So, he was actually asking me the direction of the place. Well, I felt awkward because me myself had never gone to that place too hahaha. Luckily I got Mr Google to lead the way.

Anyway anyway, I did told him to message me when he arrived.

I was a bit feeling disappointed as the end of November approaching as he doesn't text me. I thought he might forget to text me, or I was not that significant to him. But then I was occupied with work so it was not bothering me much.

How wrong I was.

He texted me on Friday morning saying he has arrived, as his brother is going to graduate on Saturday. And how nice it was as I got the weekend off on Saturday. Thing has fallen so well into its proper place.

Oh my oh my. It has been so long.

As usual, I feel a bit awkward to meet him, just him and I. Because I am not a conversation continue-er. That's to say I thing I have hard time to make a conversations going on.

So I did try to invite my other ex-batch mate to go with me. But how unfortunate that every of them got things to do already.

Hmm. So that was it. I was going to meet him by myself.

I was not being flirty when arranging the meeting. But when I told him it was going to be just him and I, then he said

"Just the two of us?? So it is a date again, right??"

Oh my.

I don't know either to laugh, or to actually cry. To laugh as to take it as a joke, or to cry as I do hope we can date, get married and have babies. But then, we can't.

...

Then he said he was going to invite his siblings to go with us too. And how sweet he was to ask my permission if it was okay. Oh my. How sweet. I felt like a lady already. Haha!

Well of course it is okay my dear. You are not mine alone. :P

So there I was. I arrived at his staying place quite early. So I was just walking around the place planning to kill some time but then, I saw him walking with his family. I was trying to hid but then if I was seen as I was trying to hide, it would be so awkward. isn't it? Hahahaha.

So I just went to met with his family straight away.

He was so close with his parent. He even kissed and hugged his father and mother before went out. Well, I saw that act in one of my patient's family. They hug and kissed their parents whenever they met.

Hmm... I knew him and me can't be together because he surely won't even dare to broke his parent heart.

We were just talking about work. I think it was quite weird as I was imagining my self dating with him, with his sibling went with us. Being a good sister-in-law-wanna-be *in my mind*, of course I also need to had a conversation with his siblings.

All the while, I can't stop staring at him while was talking. Honestly, I don't really follow what he was talking about.

He is good-looking as he always be. But his hair getting lesser and lesser. Bahahahahaha XD

It was to my knowlede that he had a tough time with his work as he got extended. He need to stay in the same department for 6 months. Oh my. I am really is so lucky as everything went smoothly. Alhamdulillah

But then, I am sure he must be so excellent now.

At the end of our the meeting, he parked his car, then when his sibling went back into their room, he said to me,

Okay. Now may I send you to your car now? *cheeky smile*

And I can't stop being cheeky too to say,

Oh. I thought I was going to send you to your room? And don't you want to invite me for a cup of drinks? 

Oh my. Sluts. Haha

Before leaving, he touched me on my shoulder, asking how's work etc again.

It was okay my dear.

At the end, we parted our ways.

Hmm... I felt wanted to hug him before parting but then I am not a hug-started.

I cried literally, and in my heart in the car after that.

I felt jealous of his wife-going-to-be

Not sure if I would go all the way to his hometown to attend his wedding. Haha!

But then, I am too going to marry soon. I need to stop all this...

Eid

So how are you peeps?? Long time no see! *crow's sound*

Currently I am in the first month of the second posting. Medical posting.

Honestly, I am too grateful. My colleagues who had their written assessment, most of them need to be re-assessed. And one of my friend who entered into the previous posting two weeks after me, she got extended for two months.

OMG.

Seriously, we had it easy. Praise be to God.

So, how was I now?

Well I am so occupied with my works. Everyday if I was not oncall, I go to work at 6:30 am, going back also at 6:30 pm, the earliest. Oh my.

Things don't get better when I only got two days off for the Eid. Well not really two days off, because I was post-call on the Eid itself. I know I should've expected this when I decided to do medicine but then... I can't help to rant.

So today I am a very grumpy doctor. LOLs.

Anyhow, talking about Eid, one couldn't separate the day with the moment of being together with family. And of course, with my parent especially my mum.

I still remember I just go back to my hometown after my work finished (I think), even going full speed while I was on the highway (thank God nothing happened). Then when I arrived, I felt so touched when I was going to kiss my mother's hand, she kissed my cheek.

Mother's love.

Now I am so sad because I can't be with her longer.

And things don't get better when works are no better. Got a ex-IVDU patient who removed his branulla previously and I failed to redo the branulla.

Urgh. Tiny sclerosed vein.

I can't stop thinking why the hell la I am working this hard for others?? And maybe why the hell I should be bother to treat this fellas?

But then, that's on of the job descriptions of being a doctor. Also I felt relieved after poking him numerous time. Oh evil me. Well it was unintended. 

At least I don't have to worry about money.

I should be more grateful.

One week

It has been a week since I went into the hospital, working as a houseman.

It is true what people said about the depression and the stress that one will felt, till one can't stop thinking to quit working every other day.

Things was quite unfavourable for me because the hospital I have chosen, decided to revert using the on-call system, because of houseman inadequacy in number.

So, not only you going to work long hours, but when you are on call, you are going to be by yourself.

OMG!!

Imagine, if I was on call, suddenly a patient having dyspnea.

However, the people inside my department is quite nice. Only a few of the specialist was quite strict. My department, the Orthopaedic is to said the most relaxed department but for me, I was about to my limit.

I wonder what would I be when I went into a more hard and horror department.

I guess if you don't think about it too much, it won't affect you.

I just do not want to be extended.

But that was not the thing that I want to talk about

Yesterday, a very cute senior houseman was on call. So I was with him in the day. He is so nice.

I think he is a bit shorter than mine but that face, that smiling face, has melt my heart.

I definitely wanting to jump on him. Bahahaha *slut*

OK honestly I don't have much idea to write, also I thinks that I should use my off day as beneficial as I can other that writing rubbish. XD

So, toddles!

Dream

My dream has been so vivid in these few days. Vivid in terms of appearance and behaviour. I can see the faces clearly, and honestly, I felt like I was actually doing what I did in my dream, that made me felt tired after woke up.

Lucky that I am still unemployed.

Being the title of this post, I have one of the best dream yesterday night.

As absurd it sounds, I befriend (or accepted, not really sure) into an Korean idol group (lets laugh so loud)

I was there accepted with two of my other male friends from my highschool.

Dunno how did I getting involved with the idols but afterwards we sort of went into a trip. Like Family Outing of sort.

We were preparing to sleep on the floor.

I was gossiping chatting with my schoolmate about something on the mattress located on the floor, and then I realized we might have been too loud so I decided to stop chatting and starting to close my eyes.

At that time, I do questioned about how lucky I was to get accepted/close into an idol group. Then it struck me than my looks are below average, and so do my singing and dancing skills. It was so absurd LOLs.

I felt so inferior in addition with my weight of extra baggage. Because of that, I scooted away to sleep at the other end of the mattress because I don't want others to feel cramped.

There was a moment of blanket pulling (we were sharing the same big blanket). At that time those idols still preparing themselves to sleep.

Then one of them went to sleep, to my direction. He just went to lay on top of me.

Oh my. I thought he wanted to mess with me so I just hug him tight from the back, then prompting that idol to try to try to get out from my hug.

But suddenly he became quite shocked, moving exaggeratedly then starting to get aggressive. Suddenly I felt my body was thrown to the side, and I was having a back pain in my dream -.-

Afterwards, he moved away, leaving a space for two people next to me. Dang it!

Why did he went away??? T_T

But nevermind. After all, there are going to be another idol who was going to sleep beside me so I just smiled cheekily.

Suddenly I heard my father's voice.

It was morning. He was waking me up.

Blueghhhhh (-.-")

Blabbering

I still remember, two years ago while jogging in the dusk, with pain in leg, I said to myself to not eating a lot and promised to keep myself from regain my weight. Because it has been the trend that I'll lose weight when I was in oversea, but when I came back to my hometown, I'll gain weight.

Turn out this trend continues, now.

God I think I have gained weight like 5 kg. Ok maybe 8 kg.

I am feeling so stressful.

Because the culprit is not me, but my mother.

I don't get it why she was so obsessed in making so many food to eat?

There ALWAYS a leftover. But then, the leftover will be thrown just like that.

Such a waste. I believe if that can be converted to money, we could have been filthy and stinking rich.

But then it was not totally my mother fault. My father, don't really understand the phrase "make things easier for others". My mother made all that food for my father to eat.

So here I am declaring that to my future spouse, I shall not burden you the worries of fill my tummy. Let's together eat healthy and do exercises to get sexy body healthy.

I mean, why would people make so many side dishes when one is enough??

Now, I can't sit properly without feeling uncomfortable because well, my tummy was bulging. -.-

But worry not, because I am going to start working in 3 days time. Yeay!

*********************************

On another occasion, I have pre-ordered the Simcity 5 games. So, I am feeling so restlessness eager to wait for the release date.

Honestly, the game gets into my dream everytime I sleep. OMG.

I just hope it won't disappointing.

Children

This afternoon, I went to repair my car with my father. The car belonged to my brother, but when he bought a new car, as no one wanted to buy his car, my father decided to take the car, buy just continue paying for it.

Really, sometime I am feeling.. well, don't what or how to feel.

I mean a lot of times, I can't stand my father. I don't know why.

Maybe, largely because of my childhood. My father was so strict.

And things doesn't get better because I think I myself are quite sensitive.

I mean, I always anxious of what people thinks about me, and I got a low confidence in myself.

And I blame that to my childhood life.

Seriously, I don't know what is wrong with me.

I just feel that I am unhappy.

But then, when I thought that I am unhappy because I was living with my parent, that I need to heed to their order, eventhough I am already 25 years old, suddenly they do thing that made me regret to have that feeling.

Like how my father generously give me car for work.

Maybe, I am depressed. For a lot of things.

There are so many problems. Yet, I don't really have someone that I trust to confide with.

Dating

I just went back to my hometown yesterday afternoon. Then, at dusk, my girlfriend send me sms asking what to do with things that she has bought for me from her last trip to Langkawi. In other words, she meant, "come to my house so you can take that stuff. And eat lunch with my mother".

Sound forceful but then, I think there's no harm to eat free lunch with them.

Although I was scared about my weight as they tend to overfed me. -.-

This morning, I felt quite sleepy from masturbating last night. Can't help it because I felt bored LOLs.

So, I felt quite lazy to go to her house. And to be honest, I am a man of few words. I mean, I can't have a long conversation with anybody. So I think it would be awkward if I went there early, then suddenly after a while we got nothing to talk about.

However, I still get my body moving.

While driving, suddenly I have this thought what if the house that I was going to, was Mr G's or Mr R's house? Well I am sure wanted to go as soon as possible. Or literally jumping from the bed eager to go.

Again, the depression struck me. And the guilt.

While I was at her house, we gossiped about our ex-school classmate, who coupled with this guys, who happened to also have another girlfriend. But at the end, that guy choose his first girlfriend instead of our classmate.

Love can made one become nonsensical.

So I made this statement,

being too pretty is a burden too, because one may also attract the undesirable attention (read: jerks)

Then she said she was lucky that she was not pretty.

Aww. You are pretty in your own way. Not really a "supermodel pretty", but you are cute and great on the eyes to look at.

She blushed. Then she said to her mom, that I said she was pretty.

The her mom agreed, by saying that her skin looked better these days, then said, "you got a nice skin, and looks fairer now, so I think you better be on diet to get slimmer a bit"

Right on the spot, mom! eh, auntie.

I stayed in the kitchen while watching them preparing the lunch. #lazybum

Then suddenly I thought these situation seems so right. I felt like I want to hug her from behind, but then, I still think I would rather hug Mr G, or being hugged.

Unfortunately, from my experience surfing the internet, a gay couple seems only right, when both of them are attractive. If they aren't, it just seem so wrong. And maybe, disgusting.

I am not attractive, so it going to be so wrong.

*sigh*

This is life that I need to live.

Whatsapp-ing with Mr G

I just knew about my induction date and place. I felt happy, sad and nervous. Happy because I finally going to have a job. Sad because I can no longer relaxed. Nervous because well, the future is not me to see.

Then, I just remembered that I asked Mr G to tell me if he got his induction letter as at that time I still don't get mine because if the rumours are true and he got the letter earlier than me, it is time for me to panic and make some calls to the ministry.

He told me to tell him if I get it.

As I got it, I whatsapp-ed him.

We chatted, about things. I, asked him what he was doing. As he said he was going to the mall with his family this morning, I asked if his place has traffic jams, as I was in KL, I just had my traffic jams. That was when I was sending my sister in law to a meeting.

He said his place only had traffic jams, during the festive season.

Then he said, come work at his place. There won't be any traffic jams.

LOLs.

Did him sincerely invited me??

But then I kinda screwed the moment because I spontaneously said if I went to work at his place, it would be impossible to me to get married by the end of this year.

Haish. I should have flirt with him a bit more. That will surely stopped any moves that he want to do in the future *if any*

Honestly, I only set my mind to work at two place. In KL, and in the capital of my state.

However, things looks quite bleak as someone said the ministry people said the place is limited. The only place that was free was, the Eastern of Malaysian peninsular, which happens to be, Mr G place.

I wonder now, what would it be if I worked in the same hospital as him??

Although, a tiny part of myself felt reluctant to actually works with him because, well, my pointer was low compared to him, so there is quite a feeling of inferiority.

I felt like I want to start anew in a place where no one knew my past.

But I am quite nervous to change.

Hmm...

I think I'll just go with the flow.

Ice-skating

One Friday, I went ice skating at Sunway Pyramid. Not a pro, but at least I was able to glide forward smoothly. After this, maybe I am going to learn some tricks. But first and foremost, I need to buy my custom skate shoes. I always get chaffed feet with the rental shoes, and I notice that the shoe must be perfectly fit for me to perform. *big talk*

Or maybe not.

It seems that I love hobbies which are not a mainstream (bowling and ice-skating) which also quite expensive.

Maybe because I won't get depressed seeing so many people are better than me. But then, I noticed there are some people who are naturally athletic that they can master any sport just in a short time. Bluerghhh~!!

But then, I felt lonely skating alone. I think none of my close friend knows it. My girlfriend, the last time I invited her to go as I want to teach her, she refused. Dang it. Just when I want to relive those Korea drama scenes lol.

But then, the last time I went there, there are few people who ice skated. Like three groups of people. One of the all male group, they were cute guys. *drool*

I noticed that the two most handsome guy in the group wore a custom ice skate shoe while the others wore the rental shoes. So I thought that handsome guy must has coaxed the others to go skate.

Maybe I hung with the wrong crowd all this time.

But it was all too late.

So, I am going to work on my soccer skills so I can socialize with my jocks friends. *slut*

Conversation

A few days ago Mr G was mentioning me in the twitter, asking if I was having my induction, which sadly not. So, I saw that as an opportunity to keep in touch (read: flirting) with him, as I think he was currently out of his state.

After a while, it seems our conversation was quite public as we kept replying each other mentions a lot so after a while I decided to stop.

Then today, news has it that my batchmate who had the interview on the same day as me, starting to receive the induction letter. OMG!! Just a week more before I finally get into the working life.

A few minutes later, Mr G whatsapp-ed me.

It has been so long, Mr G :D

We chatted, I made jokes a bit, and so on. He was mentioning how did I know that he was about to ask me about the letter. Well, I told him that I just knew. :P

Damn, I missed you.

I said in the previous post (last part) that I heard rumour that there is a chance of Mr G and I to have our induction together.

But now, the chances getting tinier as the induction place has changed.

There are three possibilities now which are in Perak, Negeri Sembilan and Pahang.

Oh my...

**********************************

Oh a side note, while we were whatsapp-ing, Mr G revealed his location without me asking. I wonder if it was a subtle hint that he wanted to hang out together?

But he was in a trip with his father and older sister, so I thought it would be weird if suddenly I took him for a ride.

And, I felt quite nervous thinking it would be just two of us. What if I don't have anything to talk??

**********************************

I have been watching the I.T crowd today and surprisingly, one of the episode feature of about something in lines of nerds who don't follow soccer. So I thought now as I don't follow soccer, I could either be a gay or a nerd, both which are not really something to be proud of.

Nevertheless, the I.T crowd said something about a web page that gives a guide how to talk soccer like you really know it.

Too bad it is not existed in real life. I checked it LOLs

If it was, I can talk A LOT with Mr G.

*************************************'

Another update, I have quite a conversation with my biological brother who was above me. I felt quite awkward before but now I think it was just my weird mind.

I noticed he had such a rough and coarse voice, compared to me who had a moderate pitched voice.

I wonder what would it like if I was his little sister he doesn't have.

But I can't imagine it with my hideous looks. Maybe no man ever wants me.

Dilemma

Darn it. My meeting with P was too short. I wanted to meet him again but then, honestly, I felt like I may have some issues with my bestfriend, C.

C, was being himself. He was acting the same, just like when he was in the high school. Acting like a child and effeminate. Well those term is interchangeable. The only thing that has changed, maybe that he become a Master student doing research.

But me, I AM not the same. Well I CHOOSE and DOES NOT WANT to be the same. After all, I did mention my highschool could be a mistake. I regretted some of the things that I did. Well luckily the damage was not big like I made someone pregnant nor involve in a murdering crime. But I may have tainted my image.

You know how when there are two people or more who got the same name in a place, they tend to get nicknames. I don't really have a nickname since I was little because I rarely schooled with people who got the same name as mine. I only used my first name. But then, in my high school, there was another person who has the same name as mine.

So, people made a nickname. Or put some description. Like that person, he was called "the Deaf Soy", because that Soy seems like he don't listened or paying attention when people talking. Me, well God knows what. Although, I am very positive people referred me as "the Softy Soy". Worst, maybe the called me "the Effeminate or the Fag Soy".

I am so sure that they called me "the Softy Soy" because I had a conversation with my ex-classmate. She was so insensitive because she said,

"Hey, I just chatted with this guy Z from our high school a few days ago so I was like telling him about you. He was like 'Soy? Which Soy? The Soy who was soft/effeminate?'. "

Then she laughed.

I was thinking, what do you really wanted to say actually bitch?? Dang it!

That word is a taboo for me.

 I was quite angry, I don't reply her chat, stop SMS-ing her. In addition I have this feeling that she was actually flirting with me but then, too bad she is not cute enough.

Unfortunately I am too forgiving that I befriend with that woman back. Mostly because I need her working advice. #friendswithbenefits

And that Z, I thought we were good friends but then, he do stabbed me from behind.

However, thinking back, I should never listen about someone, from another one. I guess maybe it was unintentional. Well they need something to describe you. I mean that's was my only identification as I was not handsome nor clever. However, they could just describe my place of origin, or my previous school's name.

Dang I am re-rage!

Back to my title post

I was feeling awkward when C display his habit. The habit of a stereotype effeminate gay guys. Like loves to hang around the girls, broken wrist syndrome, informal speech with girls etc.

Me myself, I have distancing myself from being the only male in a crowd of females for quite sometimes. No no no. That's awkward, for me. I do still accidentally use informal speech with girls of the same age.

Well I think I know what was MAIN the problem.

I think too much of what other people think about me.

Well, I agree. But I am telling you, it has it pros and cons too. I mean, being yourself is easy and fun, while pretending is so tiresome.

But you should not just be yourself, but be the best of yourself.

Well it was all cock's talk. I don't be the best of me neither.

But still, I think I have been acting relatively straight all these years, even some of my previous high school friend (read: that bitch) said my voice has changed.

I befriend with jocks, saw them shirtless, had a bromance with them, sleep together etc.

Honestly, I am someone who pick up other's habits easily. So I guess by befriending with straight guys, I may become "hetero-er" if not less "gay-er"

So now, I have a growing hatred for C behaviour. I mean, I was once hesitated to invite him to go to a wedding together, because I don't want people to associate him with me, like effeminate with gay.

But I still invited him. Because I thought (as C claimed) people don't really see him as effeminate, just being childish.

When C shows his childhood photos, I was like, oh my. It has really in your genetics. I mean how the hell a male 7 years old knew how to do a female pose for a photo??

C, is incurable. Haha

So till know, I am still not sure. IMO, it does felt tiresome to be someone who I am not, but then, it was not really bad because I think this is right.

On a side note, it would make it harder for other gays to approach me. With my looks and so on.

And I don't felt like I can face the discrimination. I am so weak.

Hmmm....

New Crush

I have been contacting C, my bestfriend, frequently that I just went to his rental house again yesterday.

C told me that he got a new roomates. He said his roomate was fair, somewhat acceptably cute, and look a bit like Mr R. But C said he does not have any feeling toward his roomate

At first I was, ok, whatever. A typical cute straight guy that look like Mr R, but does not attract C. Wait, that's quite something. Although I am not really interested because as C was drooling at R, but how come he don't feel the same with his roomate?

Then, C told me that he confronted his roomate, asking about his orientation.

The story began like this. Just after three hours his roomate moved into the house, his roomate asked C that he wanted to hang out with C, and C's "other friends".

C hesitated, because C's friends, are effeminates PLU, so he thought it would be inappropriate. Then it struck C, because C said he can sense the "gay vibe" from his roomate so he bluntly asked if his roomate was gay.

The answer, his roomate said he don't really sure. Could be, maybe. He was curious indeed.

After listening to this story, I was like, OMG!! I must go and sleep in his house. LOLs #slut

So, as I went to their house, I met with his roomates. 

Damn, so cute! I felt attracted. And nervous. Like I fall in love again, but this time, I felt like there is hope.

His roomate was quite friendly, although C said P has been annoying lately because he was like forcing C to hang out with him. Bossy?

But I don't care. Suddenly I became talkative too toward C's roomate, Mr P. 

Darn it. Honestly, I don't sleep well that night because I want to see P's face properly. But too bad after he went back from doing laundry, he went out. I think he went back to the room at about 2 am like that.

I thought I could see P shirtless, or at least when he was wearing short. But too bad the room was dark, and that bitch C, slept on the floor, he was like taking all the floor space (C's body was on the heavy side) P changed his clothes outside of the room.

God. :(

I do observed P. When he woke up in the morning, he will sat for some time, then he went to the toilet.Same habits? I mean I do those things too, as I need time to become fully awake. I notice he was wearing an above knee boxers

Seriously, I want to slap that bitch C because he don't let me sleep on the floor just when he knew I knew his roomate is gay. Jealous bitch!

Damn. I knew P and I would clicked together, although I wonder if I was up to P's standard.

Before P leaving, he asked me what I would do today. I said I am not sure, but most probably I'll went back to my home. P said, "OK. see you again".

I am figuratively on the cloud nine huehuehue

I wished I studied more on soccer so I could strike more conversation with P, as P has a Manchester United pillow. Cute lols.

Distance

Finally after a few days, since the last time I went to meet him, I saw Mr R online in the game.

However, I felt weird.

I felt distance. For some reason, he did not as talkative as he was.

Well, in actuality, I think we don't have much to talk. Or rather, it always be me who begin the talk.

So tired -.-

And, honestly, I find that he became more annoying days by days. Like a jerk.

Maybe he was just joking but.. I don't like that because I am easily feeling emotional (read: sensitive)

Tomorrow I got a wedding of my ex high school classmate. Damn I felt quite awkward because I haven't seen him like 7 years. And I always thought that he is PLU because once in high school he make touchy jokes (and I replied the jokes) but then I guess maybe he does not.

I felt awkward to go alone so I thought of inviting my best friend. But then I am feeling concious as my best friends is effeminate, so do I (used too).

But then what the hell. IMO it is better than going alone.

Memories

I became a chauffeur for my parent in sending my niece as she was enrolled into a boarding school in the North of Selangor. Ironically, this school was the one school that I am so eager to go visit when I was one year older than her age. Not because this school was famous for its academic nor sports accomplishment, but because some of my friends moved into this school.

I was accepted to go to this another boarding school in Perak. At that time, the school that my niece is going, it didn't finish its construction until the next year. But they were already accepting the students. As the result, their students stayed in my school until the official opening in the later year.

So, I got this one crush, Mr A who was in this one room. I was quite closed to all the other room's members (and very close to this one person, who is fat, but I guess maybe I was using him actually) but for some reason, I can't really "get" to be close to Mr A. I mean I can strike a conversation with others but to Mr A, I become awkward, feeling blushed and only able to laugh at his jokes, even if it was a lame jokes.

We have nothing in common.

There was this one time when we were sleeping on the floor, and I was sleeping next to him. I am so tempted to hug him, pretending it was an unconscious reflex, but I was so afraid to do so. As usual, I was being careful.

I know I don't have a chance because he was in relationship with another girl in my batch. A beautiful girl. I was (and still am) nobody. But it felt great to watch him from the distance, and being near to him. Maybe, by the slip of fate, I could be close to him, if he stays longer, just like Mr R and me.

So, early on the next year after the end of year holidays, I am so sad knowing that Mr A, and some of my good friend that I treasured so dearly, going to starts at their predetermined school, without me having the chance to say good bye.

As years gone by, I was so eager to go to that school, wanting to meet those people again.

One can go to other school by attending events. Like in sports event, language events, science, religious events etc. But then, not all events were done in that Northern Selangor school. And if the event was held there, it is not like I was very talented to be chosen to go.

So I can only hope to involve in another events in another school (as the chance would be higher), hoping to met my friends from that school.

But then, the person that went into the event that I finally chosen to go, was not the one that I was really wanted to meet LOLs. But we do have nice chat catching up, knowing the latest gossip and all.

I still never saw Mr A afterwards. He once represent the school in sports event, but unfortunately I am flunking in sports so I don't get chosen to go. Haha.

Being realistic, I just abandon my hope and concentrate on what important, and as the big examination was nearing.

************************************************

As I was in my niece school, I wondered how time has gone by, and how ironic that after all these year, I can only went to that school now.

I tried to imagine how their life was, but then I thought maybe all that years I just wasting my time remembering them. Really, on the next year after they have moved, for two months, I always keep on recalling their names in my mind. So naive, I was.

Maybe they don't even remember I am exist back then.

These day, when I saw Mr A in facebook, the feeling was not there anymore. :)

***********************************************

While I was waiting for my niece, I saw some student went back from the class as the school ends. Most of them walked in a group, a few walks alone.

I think it is really fate on how two people meets. Either as a friend, or as a life partner.

For my bestfriend and me, we met in form four, after I moved from the earlier school that I mentioned. I still remember how he went into my cubicle, and commented that I brought quite a lot of clothes. I was like, 'who the fuck is this person?? We don't know each other and he dared to come to my cubicle, commenting and judging me??'.

Of course I said all of that in my mind.

But days after, we just "clicked" together, until now.

************************************************

I also wonder if Mr G was in my school, in which group he would be? Of course he would be in the jocks group, the soccer team. But then I thought the jocks in my school are the worst time of people. Worst because like to tease and disturb others (read: effeminate PLU)

I don't really got teased because I got as big body (read: fat), my face is horrible and maybe I was not really effeminate but once in a while they teased me too as I love tp hang around the PLUs.

My high school was not really my finest moment as I mixed with the wrong crowd.

I can't imagine Mr G being in that group. 

However, if one could ask me to choose someone who could be Mr G in my school, I would definitely said it was a person whom I don't really close with. It was two years period of studying.

Again, I am so thankful that in my six years studying medicine, I could get close to a person like Mr G.

************************************************

My friends who got interviewed two weeks before me have got the induction letter.

I just heard a rumour saying the person who got interviewed on the same day as me, and the group who got interviewed during the next two weeks after me, all will be having induction in the same day.

At first I thought it would so unfair as the later guys can start work early like me but then, it means there is a high chance of me to have my induction with Mr G. Oh my!!

But then, I can't really hang around Mr G too much because we are working far away from each other and I also pledge to make new friends.

p/s: I suddenly got reminded of Mr G because suddenly he commented on my Instagram. wohooo~!

Plot

"I am feeling so stressful nowadays. A lot of things happened since I was back from studying oversea. I now knew that my family got many problems. My family is so complicated."

"Really? Well I have my own family problems too. I guess everyone does have them. So do you need to talk about it with me? I mean maybe there's nothing I could help, but I am sure at least that will make you felt better".

"Well, my brother has a secret relationship with his girlfriend, unknown to my mother. But mother thought  both of them has broke up. My brother didn't even once came back to the hometown for one year with the excuse of work, but he did once came back, just for the sake of taking his passport, to go to visit his girl friend.

So I have this sort of dilemma of to tell, or not to tell. And honestly, I am feeling sick listening to my mother's rants."

"Hmm.. What kind of person was your brother? You need to tell your brother that we need to be good to our mother. After all, she was the one that cares for him in all these years. We only have one mother too"

"True. But there's another problem. We don't really talk in a great length about any issues in this family."

"Errm. OK"

"And there was also my another last big problem..."

"What is it?"

 "I think am gay, and unfortunately, I have fallen for you"

*********************************************

The above conversation happened (with a bit alteration), except that part that I came out and confessed to him.

I have read about a gay couple story in the web. It is a real person (I guess, they posted photos some more). When I read about their story, he (the bottom) said at first he was just another friend to his top. He don't have any real feeling to the top but then, they were a good friend. The bottom said he even coming out to the top. But that ends there.

The top even got a girlfriend back then.

Then, one day, the top broke up with his girlfriend.

Days after that, the bottom and top hang out together, maybe having some alcohol, then they stopped their car in a secluded place.

That was the first time they both having the intercourse.

Now, they are a happy married gay couple.

I somehow wished my life could be like that.

But I am sure all my crush(es) quite conservative, and we don't drink alcohol so it is quite difficult as alcohols lowers one inhibition. And I can't risked being labelled as freak and to have them, distancing themselves from me.

During the talk with my bestfriend, he said a lot of these people quite confused about their orientation, and might need some "external force" to make them to come out. I am quite astonished that my bestfriend can have one on one conversation with his roomate, and to ask face to face asking his roomate if his roomate is gay. Haha.

But then, even if they finally came out, there are going to be a big family pressure to these people to go back to the so said "normal lifestyle"

That's why I need to find a cute and handsome orphan. Bahahahaha

Back again

After unsuccessful attempt to go back to my hometown on the morning of the CNY eve, finally today, I drove the car three hours straight from KL to my hometown.

It was my first time to do so. If this was a game, I should've unlocked my achievement badges by now.

Anyhow, I still can't stop thinking about Mr R. Not sure why. Albeit he is not the nicest person. Maybe because we talk a lot before, but now we don't anymore. He no longer messages me nor invite me in the online game. I felt a bit longing. Could he distanced himself from me?

I regretted no doing the good bye hug when I leave from his neighbourhood last time. I am afraid to initiate it. So we have a handshake instead. But I do held his hand longer than normal.

Anyhow, as soon as I touched my house, suddenly I felt stressed again. And keep on reminding myself to get out from this house as soon as possible.

The love and hate relationship with parents.

Can't wait for my induction letter. But then, I need to refresh my medical knowledge before starting to work.

Outing

I went out with my bestfriend. The one who know who I really am. And he is in the same shoes as me.

We both not blessed with good looks, getting involve in profession related to science, and was an outcast during our high school together. And maybe still now.

It is weird really.

I was thinking about him yesterday, as I planned of wanting to contact him to hang out together, after my trip to Mr R's house. Turn out, I received his message yesterday night asking if I was free.

OMG the slip of fate.

And, I felt so happy right now. Because after a while, I can be myself with him. Although to some extend I was self concious about myself. About if people see me acting disgusting. I wonder if I do the broken wrist syndrome too much to some extend. But who cares right. It is was for just one day.

Anyhow, I felt relieved because I can finally talk about men. Not pretending like I was interesting in women, like I always do when hang out around my straight friend cum crushes.

I am tired of pretending. And can't stop wondering why I was born like this.

Anyhow, as usual we were talking about men.

And, suddenly my best friend interested to know Mr R. Oh no you didn't!!

Really, he asked me to introduced him to Mr R, and even suggesting me to invite him the next time I want to hang out with Mr R. Preposterous!

Just hearing the thought of it made me felt awkward. I meant Mr R and I was from the same course, the same university, wouldn't it be awkward if suddenly I invite my best friend, and when we were reminiscing about  our study life, my best friend going to be silent??

Well, I also don't want my best friend to get Mr R bahahaha *jealous bitch*

Awkward

Just came back from the trip to Mr R's house (but in actuality I stayed at our other friend's house, who happened to be located at the back of Mr R's house).

Some mixed feeling about that trip, but I'll wrote about that later. It is written already

Anyhow, did you know that I have the best dream ever?? Can you guess?

*kriik kriik kriiik* (crow's sound. you think you got so many reader meh?)

I was laying besides Mr G, who was shirtless, and his hand was at my back.

I was shirtless too, and for some weird reason, my brain gave me this sensation of our bare skin touched together, like sticky (well I am sure the weather in my dream is hot and humid. Malaysia, what do you expect lols)

OMG.

But nothing sexual happen. We were just like cuddling. I felt so nervous. And happy. And warm, Because Mr G was the one who initiate all of that. Bahahaha.

But something awkward happened.

It was me. I somehow felt awkward. I don't know. Mr G keep on asking me to be beside him, but I hesitated .

Even if this things happen in real life, there is a lot of chances that I will walk away from this situation.

I don't know. Maybe because it is my nature to get discreet about this stuff. And to get easily suspicious.

But, who really know right? Like a sleepy person who gets a pillow, I guess if it does happen in real life, OMG!! I am so in cloud nine.

Second day

Mr F and I slept at Mr N's house. So there was no sight of Mr R bare bodies. Hmm..

We went to the wedding, using my car because Mr R's sister need to use the car. So, finally they get to taste how my driving really are.

It went smoothly, even Mr R complimenting me saying it was not bad at it seems. Until my engine turn off when I was stuck in the traffic jam on a hill. And our car rolled back a bit because I, being me, felt lazy to apply the handbrake. Haha.

So the complaining won't stop. These guys... -_____-

A lot of things happen in the car. Well, I agree that I might be driving a bit reckless but I know when to stop and when to be cautious.

After the wedding, Mr R said I was driving better on the way back. Well, that lifted my spirit a bit.'

In the evening, nothing big happened. When to the same park that we went during my first trip there. Saw some handsome face exercising.

Although, I do felt nice to be able to eat with Mr R on the same table.

Monologue

"If one asked a woman, it is forgiveable that she don't know what CC of her car, but for a guy to not knowing, it's just absurd!!"

Well, I DO wish I am a pretty girl, every single day. I do not wish to be like this.

This trip... Could be a mistake.

I finally decided to drive to Mr R's, but it could be just another my bad decision.

I think the only manly about me other that my hideous appearance is my sense of practicality.

I mean, I know I am not a perfect driver. But really, I felt furious that Mr F criticized my way of driving. Should not you take into the account that we arrived safely, and I was driving YOU there, in manual transmission car?

Really, suddenly the words from Mr R about Mr F keep on lingering inside my head. Maybe, me myself has this growing of hatred to Mr F.

And, to make things worst, no one on my side. Even Mr R, after listening to Mr F repeatedly complaining about my way of driving, said to me, "do you know how to drive or not?"

Hmmm...

Tomorrow we will be going to the wedding. Me, unable to accept more criticism, wanted Mr R to bring his car. Although, at this moment, I thought I should be firm and insisted to drive to prove to them that is was not bad as Mr F's said.

But then I thought, why should I wasted my energy to please people?

Today, there is nothing sweet about Mr R. He seems not friendlier like he was in the online game.

Maybe, I am destined to be alone, as I think I am happier when I am alone.

I want to drift away...

Fluttering

I was playing the online multiplayer games when Mr R pestering me by asking when I want to go to his house.

Oh my.

The plan has been called off so I thought it ends there. I do thought as I am EXTREMELY bored right now, I might as well just go to this house, if not on the wedding day, on the day after.

Although, a big news flash to me, the wedding IS NOT held in Selangor, instead, it will be held at Mr R's state, at the bride's house. Not at my friend's house, the groom.

Oh my, oh my. No wonder I was perplexed when Mr R suggested that I went to his house first, then to the wedding, then went back to his house.

I thought it would be insane to go across a state and then go back. Might as well I went to the wedding first, THEN to his house. Seems more legit.

So, as I am very lazy and afraid that my brother's car will broke on my way to Mr R's house, (although I am positive that I think too much because that car has been gone through 3 hours journey non-stop) I think I must go to his hous by commuter. But there are too many things to consider. I still want to drive bahahaha.

Anyway, I am touched that Mr R keep on inviting me to go to his house.

I of course, could not be more excited to see him. But IMO it will nothing special as I will be staying at my friend's house near his house. I so want to see him in boxers, again. *slut*

On the other topics, I felt evil because we are talking about Mr F. 

Then, Mr R said something like, "if Mr F can't come, it won't be so bad right?"

So, just you and me?? LOLOLOLOLOL

Mr R, please say you are into me. XD *me getting slapped*

All is lost

Dang it. The plan fell into pieces.

I think maybe I have jinx it for being too excited.

Haish.

On a side note, I felt a bit relieved.

I've gained weight since my unemployment so I am so ugly that I wish I don't have to go out.

Maybe that was the first and the last time I saw you, Mr R.

*************************

Another story, my parent and I were taking care of my brother's son. High functioning autism with Aspenger's syndrome.

I once, tried to study him, tried to understand him, but it is a hard work.

Also, due to my upbringing, I am not sure which method is right.

My parent is strict. So maybe we, their children is what people said, "successful" with career and all, but our inside, is damage. In a way.

So, now, I am becoming more hostile to my nephew. As I am tired to try to talk to him, explaining things and all.

I mean, why we should bother to listen to all his tantrum, this what was called in psychology of bad behavior,  "enabling" him??

Well, I know my way is wrong, if not totally wrong.

But I am speechless. I have great respect for his mother.

Maybe, this is what was known as  "natural selection". Only the strongest in a certain circumstances can strive. If they try to keep the less fit to strive, well the problem will come sooner or later.

Oh my I am turning into a psychopath. :-O

Outing

I went to a date with my girlfriend.

It felt so nice that I have someone who love me, and I can love her at some extend. After the misunderstanding that happened, I guess everything went to normal. Oh I forgot to apologize. Well I did want to apologize, the television ways, you know, with the flower and all, but then, I don't found the florist.

I am happy that I can have a good talk and a good laugh with her, but then, the feeling was different when I was with my crushes.

I mean, I can stare at my crushes all day along. But not her. Or I think I would rather doing other things than staring at her. Maybe, if I wait a little longer, waiting for the super pretty flawless-skin girl (in my dream I guess), I would also can stare at her all day long.

She is pretty in her own way. She IS cute. And fun. That was the quality I look when I first decided to start the move on her.

But then, I felt unhappy that my GF gained weight.

She was not really skinny during high school, but after college, she started to get bigger.

Can't blame her. Like my family, her family regards food above everything. I mean, everything is OK if there is enough food on the table. As I went to her house, her mother keep trying to stuff up my mouth. OMG! I am so hating the foods right now because as I was sitting at this moment, my stomach is folding and I felt so uncomfortable.

Things get harder as she is now living with the mother.

I felt pity that her mother is not feeling well due to diabetes complications, but then, I still don't get it why she didn't see that as a motivation to live healthy. She even said to me she hates to jog. For me, jogging is fun. It is tiresome in the beginning, but the endorphins and the feeling of knowing that I am doing something healthy, is priceless.

For me, after eating healthy (relatively), I felt uncomfortable when eating something greasy and oily. Like I feel heavier and and everything seems cloudy.

And the end of the date, I still thinking if it was possible if I want her to lose weight together. Or did I have made a mistake for choosing her? Should I choose a thinner girl, rather than hoping that a "larger" girl to become smaller??

I don't really wanting to force her to slimmed down but I want US together to lead a healthy lifestyle.

It is a hard work, but fit person is not only healthy, but also good looking.

Well, I am planning into making the conversation sooner or later.

Invites

I was chatting with Mr R when suddenly he mentioned about our batchmate's wedding and suggesting me to go to his house again, with Mr F. From Mr R's house, we will go to the wedding together.

Oh my god!! Another chance for me to sleep next to him. Hehehehehe

I felt flattered that he invites me. He said to me first before he asked Mr F. I am so happy. Although (maybe) I am just assuming things.

But then, things look like they are against me.

First, his older sister just delivered a baby, so she was using the room that we stayed before. And because of that too, we don't have any transport because his brother-in-law might using the car that we rode before.

So, we need to take refugee in other house, and think about the method of transport

After all, I suggested that we do a BBQ picnic.

Damn damn. What to do?? I missed him so much.

Although, did he just eagerly invite me without even considering the situation??

I am so in cloud nine lol. (Assuming things, again)

Law of attraction

I just got my licence just the night before the New Year, and now I have drove around KL. OK maybe only to the Jalan Duta, around Wangsa Maju and a little bit before Bulatan Pahang.

It was a very nice feeling. Like I have grown a wing. So long public transport muahahaha!!

Anyway, as I was feeling bored, I was thinking to make a surprise visit to Mr F, as I haven't seen nor heard about him since 3 weeks ago.

And his father has eagerly invited me to go to their house.

But when I google map-ed his address, the google maps didn't find it. What a shame. I know I should have call him but then I think it would be too troublesome, in addition that if he describe the roads and the landmarks, I won't know about it as I can easily get lost and went onto the wrong intersection as I was following the Mr GPS.

And it would be a shame if I said I want to go to his house but I didn't arrive as I got lost. Bahahahaha.

I was also feeling tired from jerking off last night.

My decision was right because I have a terrible headache that evening.

So, as I was resting and charging my phone in the evening, I got a Facebook notification saying Mr F sent me a message

OMG!! I just thought about him that afternoon but now he is messaging me? What a coincidence. Law of attraction? When you think about others, that person will think about you?

(so I quickly thought about my crushes Mr R and Mr G at that moment)

Turn out, he was bitching that I don't invite him to my trip of playing bowling.

Oh my. The first thing that happened after reading those messages was, I visioning Mr R's chatting texts inside my head on how he dislike Mr F's attitude.

The overly emotional attitude.

Well I do thought of inviting him but then I don't know, I guess he don't ask around so why should I care right?

After all, (as I just remembered) he had some issues with the bride, the wedding that we went before we went to bowl.

And my instinct was right that when I asked why he was silent in the Facebook and why he don't ask around, he said he thought people (read: I) would invited him.

OMG. Who do you think you are???

I do felt a bit guilty because he was the one who planned about our trip to Mr R's grandmother's house.

But being nice, I just gave some scolding, nag a bit then gives some encouraging words. Bahahaha.

I still haven't watched the law of attraction video eventhough I have downloaded it ages ago. I am not sure if they said when we missed someone, that someone will missed us back, or it is the other way around? Like if you hate somebody, you just gonna met that person again and again?

But in my situation, I am not sure. I felt that when I don't give much damn as I used before to the people, they give a damn to me, to some extend. I think.

Well I just going to enjoy this feeling while it last.

Slow and Steady

I went to play bowling with my friends today after going to our batchmate's wedding. I am so happy

that if I am not the winner, I am the 1st runner up.

Actually, I am trying the new way of playing. The slow-rolling technique.

When I was in my high school, I got a friendly match with my homeroom members.

There was this one girl who was on 3-4th place. Me? Well I threw the ball hard. Sometimes I got

strike, but mostly it missed. I just remembered my mark was higher that that girl.

That girl, just playing effortlessly, but at the end, she was the winner.

Other people? They got high mark earlier but later on the last game, as our hand was sore and

tired, our target was off and our ball kept going to the drain.

That girl? She doesn't get strike much often but the collect pair.

She won. Dang it! Well she was a sports girl so I guess her athletic skills does her a wonder.

Anyhow, What I want to say was I tried her way. But instead of just throwing the ball blinding, I

literally rolled the ball. As my finger was genetically fat, I can only use heavy balls.

Usually, I will throw the ball as hard as I can until my hand felt so sore but this time, I just

try to roll it centre, then try to finish with a pair.

It works! My friend was leading but at the end, I won because their hand was sore. Bahaha. They

said I played like an Auntie. Whatever, as long as I win. Hahahahahaha

So, the morale of this story was, well I don't know really. But I guess in life there is fast way

and slow way. Like my career pathway.

I mean, if a person loves doing something, and he did it little by little everyday, he will

definitely becomes expert on it.

I think it applies to all people. Even though there's exist those geniuses who can master things

within short period, but those rushed act will not last long.

So, slow doesn't means bad ending. It could be just another brick for a bigger achievement. :)

Middle man

I felt bad.

I always thought Mr R and Mr F were a close friends.

But it seems they aren't. Or maybe this is what they call, "mens' friendship"

It seem Mr R is someone who holds a grudge.

I wanted to organize another meet up so I can met with him. But I felt it would he awkward if it only involves the two of us.

So I asked Mr R to invite Mr F too. Or my other batchmate who literally lived behind his house.

But he rejected my idea.

I, for some reason, pitied Mr F. Because Mr R dislike his attitude, but Mr F did not know that. At the end, the might went apart without another person knows the reason.

And I, always be the one who listen to rants given by those two people. -.-

Or, in other words, I am the one who responsible to convey the messages??

Damn. I hate to get involve but in the same time, I felt uneasy.

****************************************

Anyhow, suddenly I thought about the moment when I ride the motorcycle with Mr R.

I have a thought to jokingly hug him. But I don't. Because it is too risky. And I am afraid he would know my intention.

Suddenly I realize that if I came out, people won't have a hard time to believe it.

Anyhow about the riding motorcycle moment

I thought of an innocent excuse.

I would get on the bike, them hug him. If he was acting weird, I would just said 'I am sorry' because this is how I did with my father and brother.

Sound naive and innocent?

I am not sure myself. My looks says the opposite. If only I was a cute innocent and hopeless girl....

But would be my heaven on earth if he just let me hug him?

What's more, I already thought that he likes to talk to me. As he told me that he don't like to talk to certain people because they have nothing to talk about. Muahahahahaha.

Well, it was the hormones and lust who did all the talking.

And I might assuming things, again.

Well not I at least should take care my self properly to be a pretty handsome girl boy. So it would not be weird for him to make a move bahahahaha #loserhopefulme

Although plastic surgery is the only way now. -.-

to what extend

I am feeling so bored. But needy. I need someone to hug.

I have been living in my house for a month I think. I seriously need to get out. But I am lazy just like that lols.

Anyway,

I was at the kitchen doing house chores when Mr R sent me a chat message in the League of Legends. He ask for a quick game. But I was late like 10 minutes. He was gone.

Darn it!

I sent some message, in the game client, and Facebook. He was online but he did not reply my messages.

I just played alone.

He replied the message saying he was away playing Fifa. And then he needs to go out.

FIFA. and other sports games like PES.

These are the canyon that separating me and my crushes.

I am not sure why. I play games, but I don't prefer sports games.

But these people love sports games so much, as they love the real games.

I can't talk with them about the football teams, as there are too many and too confusing and I don't get it how one choose which team they wants? I mean I understand if one support their state team but the European league? You are commenting and criticize like a boss but then those player don't hear you, and you don't even do them any good. You don't pay them. In any means.

I do try to watch the game sometimes but it seems I get distracted easily. With the handsome muscular player and their short shorts. LOLs

Anyhow, I think I want to learn playing the sports game. As my siblings are also crazy about them.

But I don't know. It is quite hard to be somebody else.

Last time I played, these people bullied me. Sobs sobs.

To what extend one can change for love? I for sure love things to be easy. Hmm..

Weird

I am now so clueless. With my GF.

She wrote on her twitter good bye a week ago, but then she started to tweet yesterday, then extensively today.

I ask my straight friend for advice. He said woman on period will act weird.

So I heed his advice, as I myself thinks this is a nuisance. So, I ignored her.

Then, today I tweet her. She replied, saying things like 'this is not P, but her slaves'. Then I ask 'really?'. I played on then asked, 'since when and where is she?'. She replied, 'since so long', then said, 'her master was asleep'. I replied again, 'oh my she slept so early like kids'. Then ask when she will wake up.

Then there is no reply. I looked at her profile. It shows she wrote she need to sleep.

OMG!!

Does she left me just like that?? Really? Went to sleep without saying good byes?

I wonder of it is true it was not her. I mean, the language does felt like it was not her.

I am bit frustrated.

But then. I don't really care. A bit sad actually.

I think we are falling apart.

Maybe I was destined to be alone till old age. If I found a gay mate, it would be a hard life for me either.

I do realize I may only love her as a friend. Because I realize that I can't tolerate her flaws and ickiness.

I think, deep my heart, I can live without her.

Like I can throw her whenever the situation calls it.

Not like Mr R. I foolishly stand with his peeves, and even bother to wasting time starting to play online multiplayer games so that I can meet and play with him again.

Oh my. This is serious.

I am not really sure what to do at this moment.

Should I confronted her?

Should I just let it be?

But IMO she should not act this way. She don't deserves it. Who she think she is? I mean if I go away from this relationship, she is the one who will suffer the most.

She is a girl, and a girl value receded in accordance to age. Like gay-men *gulp*

Really? Holding grudge? Just because I rarely SMS her first? At least I was there to reply to all  her messages. Never once missed.

Ok I need to confront her. Someday.

See, this procrastination is serious.

Maybe it is true that I don't love her deep enough. Well I can't. She might be pretty, but she is not handsome.

Will I be single?? Oh my. I get a bit depressed when seeing people get married.

Oh my oh my. What should i do???

Gardening

The page view is so sad. Well I have been commenting less to people's blog, as I am aware my post is getting nonsensical by day. Well, as long as I have the place to let it out.

There is nothing about my relationship in this post today.

Just I want to say that, today I have been gardening for two consecutive days. It is not the typical pretty girl gardening, like the one you see in the movie/series, where the gardener was wearing a big hat with shades, in a well kept garden, just snipping some branches here and that, and picking the vegetables etc.

This is serious gardening. More like farming. Except that it was done at my backyard.

I need to weed using a hoe. I was practically moving the soil while cutting the weed to move them away. So tiring.

I am feeling frustrated when one of my PLU friend said he loves gardening and wish to do it when I complaint about it. He even said I should be grateful. Bluergh. I felt so tired.

Yesterday I did the major gardening. Because I WANT TO. I need some exercise after all.

But today, my body was a little bit aches. My muscles are sore. But then, my mother force me to do it again.

Oh my god. Even when I jog, I rest for a day.

But I just sleep in for two hours, until my mother screaming for me to get out of bed. lols.

Anyhow, I was gardening half-heart-ly. The I took a peek at my mother, because honestly while I was having my sleep-in, I heard the hoe sound.

She has been working since 7:30 am. Non-stop.

The I realised, why did she work so hard? With no gloves what-so-ever. I mean, even myself, I put some gloves, run from the sun etc.

Doesn't she wanted to be pretty? Or at least take care of her skin etc?

The it struck me. My mother never really took care of herself. She don't try to be pretty.

And me, of course I have some of her genes.

OH MY GOD. So depressed

But really, I pitied her. She should be resting around doing facial and having massages.

Hmmm...  

Misunderstanding

My girlfriend sent a sms. the smiley " :-( "

She did it once before on the Whatsapp. I replied on the Whatsapp, but she didn't.

When I replied the sms, with six emoticons and three question marks, she said it was cute, then she sent another sms asking why I don't always the one who send sms to her first. She asked if I don't like it.

I was speechless.

Of course, my spontaneous answer would be that I don't have much to talk about. I am unemployed, living with my parent. So there's nothing new on my side. There are no hot gossip either. If there are, I prefer not to talk about it as gossiping is a bad thing.

Also, if I don't sleep in the morning, I would be busy helping with the housechores. After that, I will be sleeping again.

But all the above would be seem as excuses. (-.-")

So I just replied saying that I do not want to disturb her. She was working, so I am afraid maybe I disturb her.

She said I don't sms her during the December break.

I replied to her saying I want her to have her break because of her work.

She said her "work" is not everyday. 

GOD. This is not going anywhere.

I so would like to drop the bomb:

 "shouldn't you be grateful that I at least replied to your SMSes, and also, try to keep the conversation going?"
"Or would you rather I replied with short words? OK. Haha. Hurm. Yes. Nope. Do you like that?"
"You should see yourself in the mirror and thought if another guy would ever land their eyes on your fatness. Be grateful ok? What's the matter anyway?" OK this is too harsh.

But again I am always be the good guy. I said something about I did contacted her at other social platforms, and said to her that I will always sms her after we got married.

The sms stopped coming.

OH emm geee!! *hair pulling*

Is this the hormone?? Or the girls just love to do this?? I am 100% sure it was her period. If it wasn't, well I am screwed.

I am not sure if gays is easier or did they also have this kind of drama? -.-

Touch

Being timid and shy, sometimes I wonder what action would be the most appropriate, when somebody put their hand on my shoulders

As a closeted gay, I would try to limit any body contact, even though my heart longing for one, as I don't want to be discovered.

And things get harder if not weirder when my crushes were around. I want to touched then but I am afraid my act would be seem as inappropriate. However, there are some of my straight friends who always makes a friendly body contact. Damn, I am so jealous of them.

The best moment, would be, when you become close to your crushes and they are the one who start making those friendly gestures.

However, I have this habit to spontaneously putting my hand onto their shoulder, as an indirect sign that I acknowledge their touch, and I want to repay them.

But usually my hand quite short, or they are quite tall. Then I end up putting my hands at their waist. I am literally caressing them LOL

Mr R put his hand on my shoulder.

Well, in the begining  Mr and Mr F was walking and talking together as I was walking behind them. Then Mr put his hand around Mr F. I felt quite envious at first.

Then, we stopped at a shop. When we started to move again, Mr R was putting his hand onto me.

I used to do the above thing on him before.

But this time, I restraining myself. Well more like that I was a bit too late because suddenly he starting saying things like "when somebody putting his hand onto your shoulder, it would be a waste of time for you to put back you hand onto his". Well I am not sure how he suddenly came out with those words.

I would like to think that he was taking advantages on me. Haha

I just nodded and smile amd laugh then i said, "really? How about if I put it at your waist (I DID to him) or you buttock? (so tempted to do it but I did not :( )"

We all just laugh.

Damn. I miss him

Aloof

There are moments when I want to be a girl so badly.

Like during the trip mentioned before, there was this one time, I was asked to fill up the motorcycle tank.

Honestly, I never fill up the tank at the petrol station because well I don't have a motorcycle driving licence and my father prohibit me from riding anything unless I got the licence.

But I once filled the car tank.

I pulled the trigger but the petrol doesn't came out.

Then a sudden awkward after I kept on pulling the trigger as nothing happen.

When I released the trigger, then pulled again, finally the petrol came out.

My friends, including Mr R was laughing.

OMG. I was so embarrassed.

This is a perfect moment for me, if I was a girl. A innocent cute girl who don't know how to pump the petrol in. Ok maybe not so cute with my look.

Still, my friends keep on bashing me for being a n00b. Duh~!

On other occasion, I was proven to be braver than Mr R because I tried the scary ride while he did not. He  is a chicken! Bahahahaha

***************************************

Actually there is a reason for me suddenly writing here.

Mr R out of nowhere, message me on the Facebook.

Well I have been thinking of him lately, with his cute brothers and all. Opss.

Also one of the moment I wished I was a girl, so I could be the sister-in-law for his brother.

Anyhow, I am so glad. Quite surprised really because well, I don't have much to talk.

Turn out he was nagging about Mr F behaviors for getting annoyed easily.

I mean, well Mr F was known as a person who complaints a lot. But I just take it as a pinch of salt as the complain was not about me, nor related to me.

Does that mean, I am so pleasant to be with??

And by the end of the conversation, he said "sweet dream" and "good night babe". That was weird. And it does not end with "haha" which signify it was not a joke.

Could he fell with me? Well he is so homophobic but then, people who are homophobic may actually be the homosexuals-in-disguise.

In our trip together he kept on making jokes saying I have made a bad and rushed decision wanting to be with my girlfriend.

He even rides with me on the motorcycle.Of course the reason was "I was heavier" and he claimed that he was the most experienced rider.

And there's the "anal" conversation.

I am thinking too much again.