Beside of him

Nowadays we already finished our lectures. And we are counting days towards the final examination and a very very big OSCE. OMG OMG!!!!!

However, we still got our morning session classes. And it is compulsory to come because it brings marks.

I really love this morning classes. Because, Mr G always came to the class. Early. BD

And unintentionally I always sat beside of him. And I think he is the reason I fall asleep a bit less during the lecture (other than the facts that I have been sleeping more at night). When I can't concentrate to the lecture, I can always checking him out. For some reason I really love to have a look at his hands and legs. And sometimes I joke with him by tickling him LOLs. Now I have a mission to make a quick grab at his breast chest LOLs again.

Yesterday I came early to the lecture, and as usual I sat near Mr G because he was one of the person that arrived early. We talked, about our life schedule. Actually for the first time I think Mr G talks too much. I want to stop him but I can't because:

• I got no other interesting topics that he likes, such as soccer stuff
• I guess I can continue to pretend that I was listening so eagerly while having a good look at his face.

Seriously he talks too much. And unfortunately I don't understand it either. I was asking why he always come so early to the morning classes. He said after woke up for morning prayer, he get back to sleep. And he can't resist sleeping because during summer the prayer time is so early at 3 am while the class started at 8 am. He said he need sleep.

And till now I don't see the connection. I mean if I was sleepy after the morning prayers I will definitely try to get as much sleep by coming a bit late to the class (which I did) as the professors always came late

And karma is a bitch. LOLs. When it was my turn to tell a story, he listened, at first. I guess maybe I was talking too fast (I do realized recently I've been doing that) but when his soccer buddies came, he quickly turned his face, and called out his friend.

I was like WTF you are doing?? I was TALKING to you!! And I am just about to finish! Couldn't you wait?? Well of course I only said it in my mind. I always jealous of good looking people because they can be a jerk to some extend but people still can't hate them. Unlike me, I need to work hard to please people.

I guess maybe he realized my facial expression changed for a while when he turn his face back to me. But I don't care. Seriously I am quite upset. Partly because I am so jealous with his buddy that able to take all his attention.

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Anyhow today he makes a statement that I have an affair. I was like trying to play along said, "OK. Who is it this time? You know I got so many affairs". OMG my boasting false statement WTF. Then he said, "With a dermatologist".

I was like erm well if he wanting to say that I've been going to the dermatologist, well actually I only went there ONCE, for my ring worm (it is not really a worm, it was a fungi, but appear ring-like. common in winter) treatment. And getting a consultation about my acne scare treatment LOLs.

But I don't do it because lack of money.

I just agree to his statement then try to ask him how did he knows about this? I don't tell anybody except my housemate. And if was so long ago if I was to accuse my housemate for spilling the beans. And to say that it was an affair means I have been frequenting her. Which is not.

You don't say, he noticed that my skin getting better?? Naah.... I don''t think so. It is true than I've been trying all sort of home remedies and home facial treatment. Well if it was true, I would definitely be over the moon.

I am left handed, while he is right handed. So sometimes when I was writing the notes our hand meets. His hand hairs is sticking to my hand. Then after a while I noticed he intentionally beating my hand. When I looked at him, he said he felt bored. So without wasting any more time, I harrased tickled his waist. I wished I could do this everyday....

Assuming Beki Disorders

I was surfing the web searching for hot shirtless photos of a certain celebrity when I stumbled upon a web page and read the post titled Assuming Beki Disorders 

It was amazing when I found that I got all the signs and symptoms of the disorders, which on the other hand totally made me realized my feeling could be just an imagination thus I feel like it all crumbles to the ground.

I haven't see Mr G for sometimes because we have different schedule for our clinical round. Even though we both have daily lecture, but usually if we don't have class after the lecture, we don''t usually come. As for me, I do attend most of the lecture, and sometimes it clashes with Mr G round but I just saw him from afar in the lecture room and I just quickly made my move to go home after lectures.

Today after not coming to the morning classes for sometimes, I came. I was reading some of the notes because the professor came late when suddenly the people at the end of my bench was making a commotion.

Mr G came with a shirt with texts that said, "Drop Dead Gorgeous"

LOL. I was also teasing him because I thought he is someone who wore something that is publicly accepted. The boys in my batch is one who will definitely comment on everything that's weird. Well Mr G is not someone who wore shirt with texts but above of all things, he wore the shirt so well.

Anyhow, I love it when our eyes met, he asked that he haven't seen me for sometimes. Damn, he was using the same sentences that I've used on him before. 

After the lecture, I want to talk more with him but it seems that he need to go somewhere for urgent business. But suddenly we need to queue to get our name card. During the queuing we talk a lot. For your information, I don't watch soccer before but for some reason I was interested to try playing Fantasy Football for EURO 2012.

I was so obsessed by it, making me wanting watching all the matches and also making statistical analysis on who is the best player. I do have a very big exams in the coming months. But by doing that, I have a lot of things to talk with Mr G.

I played as anonymous, reluctant to tell Mr G what was my team name (because it doesn't perform well lols) but I was touched when he told others and assuming that I played well. Aren't you a sweetheart?

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Somebody hold my handphone then posted a tweet using my account saying "Hi, I am gay". I already knew her being mischievous, and would thought she would posted a tweet like "I am cute" like what she does to others but she posted that.

I am cool with that because well you feel uneasy when that thing is true so I'll just pretend it was nothing.

Too my surprise, many of my friends replied with, "we already knew you are". OMG I am sure they were joking but I wondered if maybe some of the really "see" it in me?

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I went to Mr H's house after going to the house next to his for some matter. As usual we talk and teased. I saw him in towels lols. Too bad I don't have my spectacles with me so it was kinda blurred.

Anyhow I asked him where he would work after graduation. And of course his answer is his birth place, K.

I told him I still haven't made up my mind yet. Surprisingly, he suggested that I got work with him. They are a lot of other batchmates who will go there too.

My heart totally agree with the suggestion and starting to imagining that I could work with Mr H and Mr H but I have so many things to consider. As I said before, I have a girlfriend.

Damn I am not sure if it is ok to say this or not but I sometimes regretted to rushing declaring my relationship with my GF. If we were not official, I just can do what I pleased.

Totally my fault feeling desperate when seeing other people got somebody special. If only I be patient, I could be unattached.

But on the other hand before this my mother kept on bugging me if I got anyone special. And when she knew  it, she insist on making it official. So it was her fault partly

As for now, I am touched that Mr H invites me to work with him. Of course, I would assume he does have interest in me or maybe it was just me having the Assuming Beki Disorders LOLs.

Being others

Today I played futsal again. And for tonight, Mr G and Mr H both came down. As usual we both have some little chat but for some reason.... I felt empty.

Mr G was being himself will try to make a conversation with everybody on the futsal place. Well he is well known to be a friendly person. I love it when good looking person being friendly because I myself is not really a conversation starter. 

I only talk to people whenever the situation ask me for it. I still remember my first pick up line during childhood whenever I am making my conversation was asking to borrow eraser from others when I actually got my own eraser. OK my life is so sad.

And for some weird reason, it is easier for me to make friends with the girls than the boys. I think that is how I am biologically wired. I got the tendency as a women thus this gay feeling. I think if I was a girl, I must be popular, and people would really take me seriously. For now because I don't talk much and being timid, no one really hears me out. Maybe if I was a girl I would be the leader. One who will be respected.

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I was well known among my batch mates that I am adept at cooking, mostly cakes. Sometimes it was inevitable for people to associate you with your expertise. Like during the old age English people was known as Smith, Baker etc.

Anyhow, I feel quite uneasy because whenever he talks to me, his talk will end up with topic regarding me making cheesecakes. Like he was asking, "what are you doing tomorrow? Baking cheesecake?". And also things like, "So you put this inside the box the tomorrow it will turned into a cheesecake!!". It is really that meaningless sentences but as a good crush (LOLS) I just laughed.

Seriously I am touched by his effort to chat with me but don't you think I have other things to do? Like can't he think of another topics to talk?

People said stupid people will turned you off but I guess today is not the day.

Well, it was inevitable that we both don't really have many things in common. I should be grateful that at least he makes the effort. <3 <3 <3

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Today one of my friends who is a bit softies like me came to the futsal place because he wants to take the meal that being sold there. Well, he don't seem to be gay by my gaydar but from my softiesradar I think he's one like me.

Maybe he don't show that he likes men but he does have soft voice and excels in field that involving giving speech like debate.

We both knew typical softies don't plays sport so as usual we teased each other as asking why u no play sports LOL. And tonight again he is teasing my by asking why after all six years I've been playing suddenly I went to play futsal? And keep making his disbelieved voice lol.

So as a typical softies answer would be, I said, "I want to be a true man. I have repent for all my past behavior" . Ironically I said that in effeminate voice. And he added that, "So you FINALLY found you true self? Good for you bitch!"

And we laughed very hard. For some reason, I feel so great and like part of me has awoken. Like I'm being myself again and I feel my burden to pretend has lifted.

And that laugh was a good one. I don't care if other people listened to our conversation lols.

Well I guess being our self is easy because we don't need to put too much effort to pretend being other but as a motivator has said, "Don't be yourself, be the best of yourself"

So I guess I should stop playing futsal (which I am quite suck at it) and concentrating on making delicious cakes?? Hmmm intriguing.

Date

After giving me a self-made holiday yesterday, today I went to the class. I saw Mr G. He was wearing a black long sleeves t-shirt with a hoodie. That hoodie have a slim fit cutting so it really wrap his body well. His lower part of shirt just barely cover his belt so sometime it lifted up. I don't really saw his boxer or undies so I'll just imagining one.

I really love to look at him from the back. He got a very slender tone body build. Not really like those skinny anorexic but it is not too beefy nor emaciated. I can see his curved waist. Which I wish to hug it from behind, or at least make a body contact.

But somehow I wondered. I like curve waist. Curved waist is women's aspect. So do I like women?? Am I bisexual?

I realized when his close buddies was not there, he tends to talk to me a lot.

There were very few boys who came to the lecture so after the lecture, we have some gaps before the next class. As everybody else decided to stay at the library,  I was about to stay there too when I saw Mr G was about to go somewhere.

I quickly followed him without him noticing me. Who knows if I could see if he was on his way to meet some girl. LOL typical stalker.

Anyhow he just went to the restaurant. And when we arrived, I sneaked behind and and popping the question what would he like to eat.

He assumed I've been following him so he asked why I don't called his name out loud. Of course not to say my ulterior motive wanting to observe him from behind, I'd just say that he walked fast (which not really. He is a slow walker) 

So he said to me that he was actually finding someone to eat together but he can't find any. Well I do realized he was not one who walks alone. But I guess he must be damn hungry that he determined to go eat even by himself.

He invited me to join him. Imagine how glad I am. It was an unofficial date. Just the two of us LOL. Damn I am too happy to make the "just the two of us?" joke. XP

Seriously, my heart flutters. ^_^

We talked a bit after putting our orders. It is a very nice moment until he talks about woman. He said some woman looks pretty because she has pretty hair. Damn. Straight signs?

Then he close buddies came so here I go, going silent listening to two of the talks. Damn it again.

But really it was fun being around him. :D

Dream

Yesterday I have a very nice dream after I felt asleep after watching some porn lols

Not so long ago I watched 63 episodes of Korean drama titled Life is Beautiful. It was a long episode so at first I thought what the fuck but then when  I started watching it, I feel that the storyline is so interesting.

I decided to watch the drama when I knew that it features a gay couple inside it. And to my astonishment, it was not about openly gay people but rather about closeted people. Which somehow I feel connected to.

These actors was not gay in real life (I think) and in the drama the most skinship they have is hugging. I wish they are kissing part. The black-suit guy has nice body though. XD

Above is the fore-mentioned couple. The one with the grey suit is a doctor (like me lols!!) while the black one is a freelance photographer.

The grey suited person is a reserve person (again like me!) who always aware of the surrounding when going intimate while the black suited guy is wanted to just showing everything.

So my dream is like this drama. I dreamed of jogging with the guy with the black suit. My dream was getting weird when we jog into the hospital (my workplace) but then we miraculously changed our attire into a work clothes and walk separately because we are afraid that people would know our secret.

The funny part is I remember in the dream we are jogging by wearing the work clothes INSIDE our sport attire so we can pretend.

He is really my type of person. Yet I don't the looks of the other person lols.

Then after completing our jog path in the hospital (ok wtf) we went back jogging at the usual jogging trail in the park, again miraculously changing into sports attire

After jogging some distances somehow he initiate a hug. So we hug. And for weird reason eventhough it was a dream, I can feel the warm and comfort in that hug. (maybe it was summer yet I still sleeping in comforter with the fan on). Is was great.

And suddenly I decided to want to take it to the next level (but aware that maybe I need to take a bath after this lols) but then he resisted for the unknown reason.

I'm disappointed but I agree maybe because it is a open area (well in the drama these couple always have the need to hide their intimacy) or maybe we are moving to fast.

For some reason I am imagining talking to Mr G.

Then I being myself getting into "doesn't-care-anymore attitude" (or more into getting sensitive lol) then suddenly I can hear he said this exact dialogue to me. And it make me melt and saying "Pfft!" because he is the one who rejecting my moves lols.

cute cute cute I am melting. Pft!!

I woke up feeling nice and cozy. It was such a nice dream. I really wanted to be hugged. By a man. I am not sure if the feeling is the same hugging with a women.

Anywhow, a dream is a dream.

A part of this drama is tear-jerker for me, when the doctor guy confessing to his mother (then to his family) that he feels that he is not normal. And he also said being an obedient son, he will do whatever the family ask him to do even if they want him to die.

We are not asked to be like this but as some may say this is the test from the God, it is a very hard test.

A normal guy can feed his lust by marrying to a girl but for people like us it is a very difficult road. 

 For now, this scene really saying it for me. I'll be pretending till forever.

this actor in another drama plays as a jerk so I have a thing not to really like him lols. Btw bangs really change one appearance