Children

This afternoon, I went to repair my car with my father. The car belonged to my brother, but when he bought a new car, as no one wanted to buy his car, my father decided to take the car, buy just continue paying for it.

Really, sometime I am feeling.. well, don't what or how to feel.

I mean a lot of times, I can't stand my father. I don't know why.

Maybe, largely because of my childhood. My father was so strict.

And things doesn't get better because I think I myself are quite sensitive.

I mean, I always anxious of what people thinks about me, and I got a low confidence in myself.

And I blame that to my childhood life.

Seriously, I don't know what is wrong with me.

I just feel that I am unhappy.

But then, when I thought that I am unhappy because I was living with my parent, that I need to heed to their order, eventhough I am already 25 years old, suddenly they do thing that made me regret to have that feeling.

Like how my father generously give me car for work.

Maybe, I am depressed. For a lot of things.

There are so many problems. Yet, I don't really have someone that I trust to confide with.

Dating

I just went back to my hometown yesterday afternoon. Then, at dusk, my girlfriend send me sms asking what to do with things that she has bought for me from her last trip to Langkawi. In other words, she meant, "come to my house so you can take that stuff. And eat lunch with my mother".

Sound forceful but then, I think there's no harm to eat free lunch with them.

Although I was scared about my weight as they tend to overfed me. -.-

This morning, I felt quite sleepy from masturbating last night. Can't help it because I felt bored LOLs.

So, I felt quite lazy to go to her house. And to be honest, I am a man of few words. I mean, I can't have a long conversation with anybody. So I think it would be awkward if I went there early, then suddenly after a while we got nothing to talk about.

However, I still get my body moving.

While driving, suddenly I have this thought what if the house that I was going to, was Mr G's or Mr R's house? Well I am sure wanted to go as soon as possible. Or literally jumping from the bed eager to go.

Again, the depression struck me. And the guilt.

While I was at her house, we gossiped about our ex-school classmate, who coupled with this guys, who happened to also have another girlfriend. But at the end, that guy choose his first girlfriend instead of our classmate.

Love can made one become nonsensical.

So I made this statement,

being too pretty is a burden too, because one may also attract the undesirable attention (read: jerks)

Then she said she was lucky that she was not pretty.

Aww. You are pretty in your own way. Not really a "supermodel pretty", but you are cute and great on the eyes to look at.

She blushed. Then she said to her mom, that I said she was pretty.

The her mom agreed, by saying that her skin looked better these days, then said, "you got a nice skin, and looks fairer now, so I think you better be on diet to get slimmer a bit"

Right on the spot, mom! eh, auntie.

I stayed in the kitchen while watching them preparing the lunch. #lazybum

Then suddenly I thought these situation seems so right. I felt like I want to hug her from behind, but then, I still think I would rather hug Mr G, or being hugged.

Unfortunately, from my experience surfing the internet, a gay couple seems only right, when both of them are attractive. If they aren't, it just seem so wrong. And maybe, disgusting.

I am not attractive, so it going to be so wrong.

*sigh*

This is life that I need to live.

Whatsapp-ing with Mr G

I just knew about my induction date and place. I felt happy, sad and nervous. Happy because I finally going to have a job. Sad because I can no longer relaxed. Nervous because well, the future is not me to see.

Then, I just remembered that I asked Mr G to tell me if he got his induction letter as at that time I still don't get mine because if the rumours are true and he got the letter earlier than me, it is time for me to panic and make some calls to the ministry.

He told me to tell him if I get it.

As I got it, I whatsapp-ed him.

We chatted, about things. I, asked him what he was doing. As he said he was going to the mall with his family this morning, I asked if his place has traffic jams, as I was in KL, I just had my traffic jams. That was when I was sending my sister in law to a meeting.

He said his place only had traffic jams, during the festive season.

Then he said, come work at his place. There won't be any traffic jams.

LOLs.

Did him sincerely invited me??

But then I kinda screwed the moment because I spontaneously said if I went to work at his place, it would be impossible to me to get married by the end of this year.

Haish. I should have flirt with him a bit more. That will surely stopped any moves that he want to do in the future *if any*

Honestly, I only set my mind to work at two place. In KL, and in the capital of my state.

However, things looks quite bleak as someone said the ministry people said the place is limited. The only place that was free was, the Eastern of Malaysian peninsular, which happens to be, Mr G place.

I wonder now, what would it be if I worked in the same hospital as him??

Although, a tiny part of myself felt reluctant to actually works with him because, well, my pointer was low compared to him, so there is quite a feeling of inferiority.

I felt like I want to start anew in a place where no one knew my past.

But I am quite nervous to change.

Hmm...

I think I'll just go with the flow.

Ice-skating

One Friday, I went ice skating at Sunway Pyramid. Not a pro, but at least I was able to glide forward smoothly. After this, maybe I am going to learn some tricks. But first and foremost, I need to buy my custom skate shoes. I always get chaffed feet with the rental shoes, and I notice that the shoe must be perfectly fit for me to perform. *big talk*

Or maybe not.

It seems that I love hobbies which are not a mainstream (bowling and ice-skating) which also quite expensive.

Maybe because I won't get depressed seeing so many people are better than me. But then, I noticed there are some people who are naturally athletic that they can master any sport just in a short time. Bluerghhh~!!

But then, I felt lonely skating alone. I think none of my close friend knows it. My girlfriend, the last time I invited her to go as I want to teach her, she refused. Dang it. Just when I want to relive those Korea drama scenes lol.

But then, the last time I went there, there are few people who ice skated. Like three groups of people. One of the all male group, they were cute guys. *drool*

I noticed that the two most handsome guy in the group wore a custom ice skate shoe while the others wore the rental shoes. So I thought that handsome guy must has coaxed the others to go skate.

Maybe I hung with the wrong crowd all this time.

But it was all too late.

So, I am going to work on my soccer skills so I can socialize with my jocks friends. *slut*

Conversation

A few days ago Mr G was mentioning me in the twitter, asking if I was having my induction, which sadly not. So, I saw that as an opportunity to keep in touch (read: flirting) with him, as I think he was currently out of his state.

After a while, it seems our conversation was quite public as we kept replying each other mentions a lot so after a while I decided to stop.

Then today, news has it that my batchmate who had the interview on the same day as me, starting to receive the induction letter. OMG!! Just a week more before I finally get into the working life.

A few minutes later, Mr G whatsapp-ed me.

It has been so long, Mr G :D

We chatted, I made jokes a bit, and so on. He was mentioning how did I know that he was about to ask me about the letter. Well, I told him that I just knew. :P

Damn, I missed you.

I said in the previous post (last part) that I heard rumour that there is a chance of Mr G and I to have our induction together.

But now, the chances getting tinier as the induction place has changed.

There are three possibilities now which are in Perak, Negeri Sembilan and Pahang.

Oh my...

**********************************

Oh a side note, while we were whatsapp-ing, Mr G revealed his location without me asking. I wonder if it was a subtle hint that he wanted to hang out together?

But he was in a trip with his father and older sister, so I thought it would be weird if suddenly I took him for a ride.

And, I felt quite nervous thinking it would be just two of us. What if I don't have anything to talk??

**********************************

I have been watching the I.T crowd today and surprisingly, one of the episode feature of about something in lines of nerds who don't follow soccer. So I thought now as I don't follow soccer, I could either be a gay or a nerd, both which are not really something to be proud of.

Nevertheless, the I.T crowd said something about a web page that gives a guide how to talk soccer like you really know it.

Too bad it is not existed in real life. I checked it LOLs

If it was, I can talk A LOT with Mr G.

*************************************'

Another update, I have quite a conversation with my biological brother who was above me. I felt quite awkward before but now I think it was just my weird mind.

I noticed he had such a rough and coarse voice, compared to me who had a moderate pitched voice.

I wonder what would it like if I was his little sister he doesn't have.

But I can't imagine it with my hideous looks. Maybe no man ever wants me.

Dilemma

Darn it. My meeting with P was too short. I wanted to meet him again but then, honestly, I felt like I may have some issues with my bestfriend, C.

C, was being himself. He was acting the same, just like when he was in the high school. Acting like a child and effeminate. Well those term is interchangeable. The only thing that has changed, maybe that he become a Master student doing research.

But me, I AM not the same. Well I CHOOSE and DOES NOT WANT to be the same. After all, I did mention my highschool could be a mistake. I regretted some of the things that I did. Well luckily the damage was not big like I made someone pregnant nor involve in a murdering crime. But I may have tainted my image.

You know how when there are two people or more who got the same name in a place, they tend to get nicknames. I don't really have a nickname since I was little because I rarely schooled with people who got the same name as mine. I only used my first name. But then, in my high school, there was another person who has the same name as mine.

So, people made a nickname. Or put some description. Like that person, he was called "the Deaf Soy", because that Soy seems like he don't listened or paying attention when people talking. Me, well God knows what. Although, I am very positive people referred me as "the Softy Soy". Worst, maybe the called me "the Effeminate or the Fag Soy".

I am so sure that they called me "the Softy Soy" because I had a conversation with my ex-classmate. She was so insensitive because she said,

"Hey, I just chatted with this guy Z from our high school a few days ago so I was like telling him about you. He was like 'Soy? Which Soy? The Soy who was soft/effeminate?'. "

Then she laughed.

I was thinking, what do you really wanted to say actually bitch?? Dang it!

That word is a taboo for me.

 I was quite angry, I don't reply her chat, stop SMS-ing her. In addition I have this feeling that she was actually flirting with me but then, too bad she is not cute enough.

Unfortunately I am too forgiving that I befriend with that woman back. Mostly because I need her working advice. #friendswithbenefits

And that Z, I thought we were good friends but then, he do stabbed me from behind.

However, thinking back, I should never listen about someone, from another one. I guess maybe it was unintentional. Well they need something to describe you. I mean that's was my only identification as I was not handsome nor clever. However, they could just describe my place of origin, or my previous school's name.

Dang I am re-rage!

Back to my title post

I was feeling awkward when C display his habit. The habit of a stereotype effeminate gay guys. Like loves to hang around the girls, broken wrist syndrome, informal speech with girls etc.

Me myself, I have distancing myself from being the only male in a crowd of females for quite sometimes. No no no. That's awkward, for me. I do still accidentally use informal speech with girls of the same age.

Well I think I know what was MAIN the problem.

I think too much of what other people think about me.

Well, I agree. But I am telling you, it has it pros and cons too. I mean, being yourself is easy and fun, while pretending is so tiresome.

But you should not just be yourself, but be the best of yourself.

Well it was all cock's talk. I don't be the best of me neither.

But still, I think I have been acting relatively straight all these years, even some of my previous high school friend (read: that bitch) said my voice has changed.

I befriend with jocks, saw them shirtless, had a bromance with them, sleep together etc.

Honestly, I am someone who pick up other's habits easily. So I guess by befriending with straight guys, I may become "hetero-er" if not less "gay-er"

So now, I have a growing hatred for C behaviour. I mean, I was once hesitated to invite him to go to a wedding together, because I don't want people to associate him with me, like effeminate with gay.

But I still invited him. Because I thought (as C claimed) people don't really see him as effeminate, just being childish.

When C shows his childhood photos, I was like, oh my. It has really in your genetics. I mean how the hell a male 7 years old knew how to do a female pose for a photo??

C, is incurable. Haha

So till know, I am still not sure. IMO, it does felt tiresome to be someone who I am not, but then, it was not really bad because I think this is right.

On a side note, it would make it harder for other gays to approach me. With my looks and so on.

And I don't felt like I can face the discrimination. I am so weak.

Hmmm....

New Crush

I have been contacting C, my bestfriend, frequently that I just went to his rental house again yesterday.

C told me that he got a new roomates. He said his roomate was fair, somewhat acceptably cute, and look a bit like Mr R. But C said he does not have any feeling toward his roomate

At first I was, ok, whatever. A typical cute straight guy that look like Mr R, but does not attract C. Wait, that's quite something. Although I am not really interested because as C was drooling at R, but how come he don't feel the same with his roomate?

Then, C told me that he confronted his roomate, asking about his orientation.

The story began like this. Just after three hours his roomate moved into the house, his roomate asked C that he wanted to hang out with C, and C's "other friends".

C hesitated, because C's friends, are effeminates PLU, so he thought it would be inappropriate. Then it struck C, because C said he can sense the "gay vibe" from his roomate so he bluntly asked if his roomate was gay.

The answer, his roomate said he don't really sure. Could be, maybe. He was curious indeed.

After listening to this story, I was like, OMG!! I must go and sleep in his house. LOLs #slut

So, as I went to their house, I met with his roomates. 

Damn, so cute! I felt attracted. And nervous. Like I fall in love again, but this time, I felt like there is hope.

His roomate was quite friendly, although C said P has been annoying lately because he was like forcing C to hang out with him. Bossy?

But I don't care. Suddenly I became talkative too toward C's roomate, Mr P. 

Darn it. Honestly, I don't sleep well that night because I want to see P's face properly. But too bad after he went back from doing laundry, he went out. I think he went back to the room at about 2 am like that.

I thought I could see P shirtless, or at least when he was wearing short. But too bad the room was dark, and that bitch C, slept on the floor, he was like taking all the floor space (C's body was on the heavy side) P changed his clothes outside of the room.

God. :(

I do observed P. When he woke up in the morning, he will sat for some time, then he went to the toilet.Same habits? I mean I do those things too, as I need time to become fully awake. I notice he was wearing an above knee boxers

Seriously, I want to slap that bitch C because he don't let me sleep on the floor just when he knew I knew his roomate is gay. Jealous bitch!

Damn. I knew P and I would clicked together, although I wonder if I was up to P's standard.

Before P leaving, he asked me what I would do today. I said I am not sure, but most probably I'll went back to my home. P said, "OK. see you again".

I am figuratively on the cloud nine huehuehue

I wished I studied more on soccer so I could strike more conversation with P, as P has a Manchester United pillow. Cute lols.

Distance

Finally after a few days, since the last time I went to meet him, I saw Mr R online in the game.

However, I felt weird.

I felt distance. For some reason, he did not as talkative as he was.

Well, in actuality, I think we don't have much to talk. Or rather, it always be me who begin the talk.

So tired -.-

And, honestly, I find that he became more annoying days by days. Like a jerk.

Maybe he was just joking but.. I don't like that because I am easily feeling emotional (read: sensitive)

Tomorrow I got a wedding of my ex high school classmate. Damn I felt quite awkward because I haven't seen him like 7 years. And I always thought that he is PLU because once in high school he make touchy jokes (and I replied the jokes) but then I guess maybe he does not.

I felt awkward to go alone so I thought of inviting my best friend. But then I am feeling concious as my best friends is effeminate, so do I (used too).

But then what the hell. IMO it is better than going alone.

Memories

I became a chauffeur for my parent in sending my niece as she was enrolled into a boarding school in the North of Selangor. Ironically, this school was the one school that I am so eager to go visit when I was one year older than her age. Not because this school was famous for its academic nor sports accomplishment, but because some of my friends moved into this school.

I was accepted to go to this another boarding school in Perak. At that time, the school that my niece is going, it didn't finish its construction until the next year. But they were already accepting the students. As the result, their students stayed in my school until the official opening in the later year.

So, I got this one crush, Mr A who was in this one room. I was quite closed to all the other room's members (and very close to this one person, who is fat, but I guess maybe I was using him actually) but for some reason, I can't really "get" to be close to Mr A. I mean I can strike a conversation with others but to Mr A, I become awkward, feeling blushed and only able to laugh at his jokes, even if it was a lame jokes.

We have nothing in common.

There was this one time when we were sleeping on the floor, and I was sleeping next to him. I am so tempted to hug him, pretending it was an unconscious reflex, but I was so afraid to do so. As usual, I was being careful.

I know I don't have a chance because he was in relationship with another girl in my batch. A beautiful girl. I was (and still am) nobody. But it felt great to watch him from the distance, and being near to him. Maybe, by the slip of fate, I could be close to him, if he stays longer, just like Mr R and me.

So, early on the next year after the end of year holidays, I am so sad knowing that Mr A, and some of my good friend that I treasured so dearly, going to starts at their predetermined school, without me having the chance to say good bye.

As years gone by, I was so eager to go to that school, wanting to meet those people again.

One can go to other school by attending events. Like in sports event, language events, science, religious events etc. But then, not all events were done in that Northern Selangor school. And if the event was held there, it is not like I was very talented to be chosen to go.

So I can only hope to involve in another events in another school (as the chance would be higher), hoping to met my friends from that school.

But then, the person that went into the event that I finally chosen to go, was not the one that I was really wanted to meet LOLs. But we do have nice chat catching up, knowing the latest gossip and all.

I still never saw Mr A afterwards. He once represent the school in sports event, but unfortunately I am flunking in sports so I don't get chosen to go. Haha.

Being realistic, I just abandon my hope and concentrate on what important, and as the big examination was nearing.

************************************************

As I was in my niece school, I wondered how time has gone by, and how ironic that after all these year, I can only went to that school now.

I tried to imagine how their life was, but then I thought maybe all that years I just wasting my time remembering them. Really, on the next year after they have moved, for two months, I always keep on recalling their names in my mind. So naive, I was.

Maybe they don't even remember I am exist back then.

These day, when I saw Mr A in facebook, the feeling was not there anymore. :)

***********************************************

While I was waiting for my niece, I saw some student went back from the class as the school ends. Most of them walked in a group, a few walks alone.

I think it is really fate on how two people meets. Either as a friend, or as a life partner.

For my bestfriend and me, we met in form four, after I moved from the earlier school that I mentioned. I still remember how he went into my cubicle, and commented that I brought quite a lot of clothes. I was like, 'who the fuck is this person?? We don't know each other and he dared to come to my cubicle, commenting and judging me??'.

Of course I said all of that in my mind.

But days after, we just "clicked" together, until now.

************************************************

I also wonder if Mr G was in my school, in which group he would be? Of course he would be in the jocks group, the soccer team. But then I thought the jocks in my school are the worst time of people. Worst because like to tease and disturb others (read: effeminate PLU)

I don't really got teased because I got as big body (read: fat), my face is horrible and maybe I was not really effeminate but once in a while they teased me too as I love tp hang around the PLUs.

My high school was not really my finest moment as I mixed with the wrong crowd.

I can't imagine Mr G being in that group. 

However, if one could ask me to choose someone who could be Mr G in my school, I would definitely said it was a person whom I don't really close with. It was two years period of studying.

Again, I am so thankful that in my six years studying medicine, I could get close to a person like Mr G.

************************************************

My friends who got interviewed two weeks before me have got the induction letter.

I just heard a rumour saying the person who got interviewed on the same day as me, and the group who got interviewed during the next two weeks after me, all will be having induction in the same day.

At first I thought it would so unfair as the later guys can start work early like me but then, it means there is a high chance of me to have my induction with Mr G. Oh my!!

But then, I can't really hang around Mr G too much because we are working far away from each other and I also pledge to make new friends.

p/s: I suddenly got reminded of Mr G because suddenly he commented on my Instagram. wohooo~!

Plot

"I am feeling so stressful nowadays. A lot of things happened since I was back from studying oversea. I now knew that my family got many problems. My family is so complicated."

"Really? Well I have my own family problems too. I guess everyone does have them. So do you need to talk about it with me? I mean maybe there's nothing I could help, but I am sure at least that will make you felt better".

"Well, my brother has a secret relationship with his girlfriend, unknown to my mother. But mother thought  both of them has broke up. My brother didn't even once came back to the hometown for one year with the excuse of work, but he did once came back, just for the sake of taking his passport, to go to visit his girl friend.

So I have this sort of dilemma of to tell, or not to tell. And honestly, I am feeling sick listening to my mother's rants."

"Hmm.. What kind of person was your brother? You need to tell your brother that we need to be good to our mother. After all, she was the one that cares for him in all these years. We only have one mother too"

"True. But there's another problem. We don't really talk in a great length about any issues in this family."

"Errm. OK"

"And there was also my another last big problem..."

"What is it?"

 "I think am gay, and unfortunately, I have fallen for you"

*********************************************

The above conversation happened (with a bit alteration), except that part that I came out and confessed to him.

I have read about a gay couple story in the web. It is a real person (I guess, they posted photos some more). When I read about their story, he (the bottom) said at first he was just another friend to his top. He don't have any real feeling to the top but then, they were a good friend. The bottom said he even coming out to the top. But that ends there.

The top even got a girlfriend back then.

Then, one day, the top broke up with his girlfriend.

Days after that, the bottom and top hang out together, maybe having some alcohol, then they stopped their car in a secluded place.

That was the first time they both having the intercourse.

Now, they are a happy married gay couple.

I somehow wished my life could be like that.

But I am sure all my crush(es) quite conservative, and we don't drink alcohol so it is quite difficult as alcohols lowers one inhibition. And I can't risked being labelled as freak and to have them, distancing themselves from me.

During the talk with my bestfriend, he said a lot of these people quite confused about their orientation, and might need some "external force" to make them to come out. I am quite astonished that my bestfriend can have one on one conversation with his roomate, and to ask face to face asking his roomate if his roomate is gay. Haha.

But then, even if they finally came out, there are going to be a big family pressure to these people to go back to the so said "normal lifestyle"

That's why I need to find a cute and handsome orphan. Bahahahaha

Back again

After unsuccessful attempt to go back to my hometown on the morning of the CNY eve, finally today, I drove the car three hours straight from KL to my hometown.

It was my first time to do so. If this was a game, I should've unlocked my achievement badges by now.

Anyhow, I still can't stop thinking about Mr R. Not sure why. Albeit he is not the nicest person. Maybe because we talk a lot before, but now we don't anymore. He no longer messages me nor invite me in the online game. I felt a bit longing. Could he distanced himself from me?

I regretted no doing the good bye hug when I leave from his neighbourhood last time. I am afraid to initiate it. So we have a handshake instead. But I do held his hand longer than normal.

Anyhow, as soon as I touched my house, suddenly I felt stressed again. And keep on reminding myself to get out from this house as soon as possible.

The love and hate relationship with parents.

Can't wait for my induction letter. But then, I need to refresh my medical knowledge before starting to work.

Outing

I went out with my bestfriend. The one who know who I really am. And he is in the same shoes as me.

We both not blessed with good looks, getting involve in profession related to science, and was an outcast during our high school together. And maybe still now.

It is weird really.

I was thinking about him yesterday, as I planned of wanting to contact him to hang out together, after my trip to Mr R's house. Turn out, I received his message yesterday night asking if I was free.

OMG the slip of fate.

And, I felt so happy right now. Because after a while, I can be myself with him. Although to some extend I was self concious about myself. About if people see me acting disgusting. I wonder if I do the broken wrist syndrome too much to some extend. But who cares right. It is was for just one day.

Anyhow, I felt relieved because I can finally talk about men. Not pretending like I was interesting in women, like I always do when hang out around my straight friend cum crushes.

I am tired of pretending. And can't stop wondering why I was born like this.

Anyhow, as usual we were talking about men.

And, suddenly my best friend interested to know Mr R. Oh no you didn't!!

Really, he asked me to introduced him to Mr R, and even suggesting me to invite him the next time I want to hang out with Mr R. Preposterous!

Just hearing the thought of it made me felt awkward. I meant Mr R and I was from the same course, the same university, wouldn't it be awkward if suddenly I invite my best friend, and when we were reminiscing about  our study life, my best friend going to be silent??

Well, I also don't want my best friend to get Mr R bahahaha *jealous bitch*

Awkward

Just came back from the trip to Mr R's house (but in actuality I stayed at our other friend's house, who happened to be located at the back of Mr R's house).

Some mixed feeling about that trip, but I'll wrote about that later. It is written already

Anyhow, did you know that I have the best dream ever?? Can you guess?

*kriik kriik kriiik* (crow's sound. you think you got so many reader meh?)

I was laying besides Mr G, who was shirtless, and his hand was at my back.

I was shirtless too, and for some weird reason, my brain gave me this sensation of our bare skin touched together, like sticky (well I am sure the weather in my dream is hot and humid. Malaysia, what do you expect lols)

OMG.

But nothing sexual happen. We were just like cuddling. I felt so nervous. And happy. And warm, Because Mr G was the one who initiate all of that. Bahahaha.

But something awkward happened.

It was me. I somehow felt awkward. I don't know. Mr G keep on asking me to be beside him, but I hesitated .

Even if this things happen in real life, there is a lot of chances that I will walk away from this situation.

I don't know. Maybe because it is my nature to get discreet about this stuff. And to get easily suspicious.

But, who really know right? Like a sleepy person who gets a pillow, I guess if it does happen in real life, OMG!! I am so in cloud nine.

Second day

Mr F and I slept at Mr N's house. So there was no sight of Mr R bare bodies. Hmm..

We went to the wedding, using my car because Mr R's sister need to use the car. So, finally they get to taste how my driving really are.

It went smoothly, even Mr R complimenting me saying it was not bad at it seems. Until my engine turn off when I was stuck in the traffic jam on a hill. And our car rolled back a bit because I, being me, felt lazy to apply the handbrake. Haha.

So the complaining won't stop. These guys... -_____-

A lot of things happen in the car. Well, I agree that I might be driving a bit reckless but I know when to stop and when to be cautious.

After the wedding, Mr R said I was driving better on the way back. Well, that lifted my spirit a bit.'

In the evening, nothing big happened. When to the same park that we went during my first trip there. Saw some handsome face exercising.

Although, I do felt nice to be able to eat with Mr R on the same table.

Monologue

"If one asked a woman, it is forgiveable that she don't know what CC of her car, but for a guy to not knowing, it's just absurd!!"

Well, I DO wish I am a pretty girl, every single day. I do not wish to be like this.

This trip... Could be a mistake.

I finally decided to drive to Mr R's, but it could be just another my bad decision.

I think the only manly about me other that my hideous appearance is my sense of practicality.

I mean, I know I am not a perfect driver. But really, I felt furious that Mr F criticized my way of driving. Should not you take into the account that we arrived safely, and I was driving YOU there, in manual transmission car?

Really, suddenly the words from Mr R about Mr F keep on lingering inside my head. Maybe, me myself has this growing of hatred to Mr F.

And, to make things worst, no one on my side. Even Mr R, after listening to Mr F repeatedly complaining about my way of driving, said to me, "do you know how to drive or not?"

Hmmm...

Tomorrow we will be going to the wedding. Me, unable to accept more criticism, wanted Mr R to bring his car. Although, at this moment, I thought I should be firm and insisted to drive to prove to them that is was not bad as Mr F's said.

But then I thought, why should I wasted my energy to please people?

Today, there is nothing sweet about Mr R. He seems not friendlier like he was in the online game.

Maybe, I am destined to be alone, as I think I am happier when I am alone.

I want to drift away...