Fluttering

I was playing the online multiplayer games when Mr R pestering me by asking when I want to go to his house.

Oh my.

The plan has been called off so I thought it ends there. I do thought as I am EXTREMELY bored right now, I might as well just go to this house, if not on the wedding day, on the day after.

Although, a big news flash to me, the wedding IS NOT held in Selangor, instead, it will be held at Mr R's state, at the bride's house. Not at my friend's house, the groom.

Oh my, oh my. No wonder I was perplexed when Mr R suggested that I went to his house first, then to the wedding, then went back to his house.

I thought it would be insane to go across a state and then go back. Might as well I went to the wedding first, THEN to his house. Seems more legit.

So, as I am very lazy and afraid that my brother's car will broke on my way to Mr R's house, (although I am positive that I think too much because that car has been gone through 3 hours journey non-stop) I think I must go to his hous by commuter. But there are too many things to consider. I still want to drive bahahaha.

Anyway, I am touched that Mr R keep on inviting me to go to his house.

I of course, could not be more excited to see him. But IMO it will nothing special as I will be staying at my friend's house near his house. I so want to see him in boxers, again. *slut*

On the other topics, I felt evil because we are talking about Mr F. 

Then, Mr R said something like, "if Mr F can't come, it won't be so bad right?"

So, just you and me?? LOLOLOLOLOL

Mr R, please say you are into me. XD *me getting slapped*

All is lost

Dang it. The plan fell into pieces.

I think maybe I have jinx it for being too excited.

Haish.

On a side note, I felt a bit relieved.

I've gained weight since my unemployment so I am so ugly that I wish I don't have to go out.

Maybe that was the first and the last time I saw you, Mr R.

*************************

Another story, my parent and I were taking care of my brother's son. High functioning autism with Aspenger's syndrome.

I once, tried to study him, tried to understand him, but it is a hard work.

Also, due to my upbringing, I am not sure which method is right.

My parent is strict. So maybe we, their children is what people said, "successful" with career and all, but our inside, is damage. In a way.

So, now, I am becoming more hostile to my nephew. As I am tired to try to talk to him, explaining things and all.

I mean, why we should bother to listen to all his tantrum, this what was called in psychology of bad behavior,  "enabling" him??

Well, I know my way is wrong, if not totally wrong.

But I am speechless. I have great respect for his mother.

Maybe, this is what was known as  "natural selection". Only the strongest in a certain circumstances can strive. If they try to keep the less fit to strive, well the problem will come sooner or later.

Oh my I am turning into a psychopath. :-O

Outing

I went to a date with my girlfriend.

It felt so nice that I have someone who love me, and I can love her at some extend. After the misunderstanding that happened, I guess everything went to normal. Oh I forgot to apologize. Well I did want to apologize, the television ways, you know, with the flower and all, but then, I don't found the florist.

I am happy that I can have a good talk and a good laugh with her, but then, the feeling was different when I was with my crushes.

I mean, I can stare at my crushes all day along. But not her. Or I think I would rather doing other things than staring at her. Maybe, if I wait a little longer, waiting for the super pretty flawless-skin girl (in my dream I guess), I would also can stare at her all day long.

She is pretty in her own way. She IS cute. And fun. That was the quality I look when I first decided to start the move on her.

But then, I felt unhappy that my GF gained weight.

She was not really skinny during high school, but after college, she started to get bigger.

Can't blame her. Like my family, her family regards food above everything. I mean, everything is OK if there is enough food on the table. As I went to her house, her mother keep trying to stuff up my mouth. OMG! I am so hating the foods right now because as I was sitting at this moment, my stomach is folding and I felt so uncomfortable.

Things get harder as she is now living with the mother.

I felt pity that her mother is not feeling well due to diabetes complications, but then, I still don't get it why she didn't see that as a motivation to live healthy. She even said to me she hates to jog. For me, jogging is fun. It is tiresome in the beginning, but the endorphins and the feeling of knowing that I am doing something healthy, is priceless.

For me, after eating healthy (relatively), I felt uncomfortable when eating something greasy and oily. Like I feel heavier and and everything seems cloudy.

And the end of the date, I still thinking if it was possible if I want her to lose weight together. Or did I have made a mistake for choosing her? Should I choose a thinner girl, rather than hoping that a "larger" girl to become smaller??

I don't really wanting to force her to slimmed down but I want US together to lead a healthy lifestyle.

It is a hard work, but fit person is not only healthy, but also good looking.

Well, I am planning into making the conversation sooner or later.

Invites

I was chatting with Mr R when suddenly he mentioned about our batchmate's wedding and suggesting me to go to his house again, with Mr F. From Mr R's house, we will go to the wedding together.

Oh my god!! Another chance for me to sleep next to him. Hehehehehe

I felt flattered that he invites me. He said to me first before he asked Mr F. I am so happy. Although (maybe) I am just assuming things.

But then, things look like they are against me.

First, his older sister just delivered a baby, so she was using the room that we stayed before. And because of that too, we don't have any transport because his brother-in-law might using the car that we rode before.

So, we need to take refugee in other house, and think about the method of transport

After all, I suggested that we do a BBQ picnic.

Damn damn. What to do?? I missed him so much.

Although, did he just eagerly invite me without even considering the situation??

I am so in cloud nine lol. (Assuming things, again)

Law of attraction

I just got my licence just the night before the New Year, and now I have drove around KL. OK maybe only to the Jalan Duta, around Wangsa Maju and a little bit before Bulatan Pahang.

It was a very nice feeling. Like I have grown a wing. So long public transport muahahaha!!

Anyway, as I was feeling bored, I was thinking to make a surprise visit to Mr F, as I haven't seen nor heard about him since 3 weeks ago.

And his father has eagerly invited me to go to their house.

But when I google map-ed his address, the google maps didn't find it. What a shame. I know I should have call him but then I think it would be too troublesome, in addition that if he describe the roads and the landmarks, I won't know about it as I can easily get lost and went onto the wrong intersection as I was following the Mr GPS.

And it would be a shame if I said I want to go to his house but I didn't arrive as I got lost. Bahahahaha.

I was also feeling tired from jerking off last night.

My decision was right because I have a terrible headache that evening.

So, as I was resting and charging my phone in the evening, I got a Facebook notification saying Mr F sent me a message

OMG!! I just thought about him that afternoon but now he is messaging me? What a coincidence. Law of attraction? When you think about others, that person will think about you?

(so I quickly thought about my crushes Mr R and Mr G at that moment)

Turn out, he was bitching that I don't invite him to my trip of playing bowling.

Oh my. The first thing that happened after reading those messages was, I visioning Mr R's chatting texts inside my head on how he dislike Mr F's attitude.

The overly emotional attitude.

Well I do thought of inviting him but then I don't know, I guess he don't ask around so why should I care right?

After all, (as I just remembered) he had some issues with the bride, the wedding that we went before we went to bowl.

And my instinct was right that when I asked why he was silent in the Facebook and why he don't ask around, he said he thought people (read: I) would invited him.

OMG. Who do you think you are???

I do felt a bit guilty because he was the one who planned about our trip to Mr R's grandmother's house.

But being nice, I just gave some scolding, nag a bit then gives some encouraging words. Bahahaha.

I still haven't watched the law of attraction video eventhough I have downloaded it ages ago. I am not sure if they said when we missed someone, that someone will missed us back, or it is the other way around? Like if you hate somebody, you just gonna met that person again and again?

But in my situation, I am not sure. I felt that when I don't give much damn as I used before to the people, they give a damn to me, to some extend. I think.

Well I just going to enjoy this feeling while it last.

Slow and Steady

I went to play bowling with my friends today after going to our batchmate's wedding. I am so happy

that if I am not the winner, I am the 1st runner up.

Actually, I am trying the new way of playing. The slow-rolling technique.

When I was in my high school, I got a friendly match with my homeroom members.

There was this one girl who was on 3-4th place. Me? Well I threw the ball hard. Sometimes I got

strike, but mostly it missed. I just remembered my mark was higher that that girl.

That girl, just playing effortlessly, but at the end, she was the winner.

Other people? They got high mark earlier but later on the last game, as our hand was sore and

tired, our target was off and our ball kept going to the drain.

That girl? She doesn't get strike much often but the collect pair.

She won. Dang it! Well she was a sports girl so I guess her athletic skills does her a wonder.

Anyhow, What I want to say was I tried her way. But instead of just throwing the ball blinding, I

literally rolled the ball. As my finger was genetically fat, I can only use heavy balls.

Usually, I will throw the ball as hard as I can until my hand felt so sore but this time, I just

try to roll it centre, then try to finish with a pair.

It works! My friend was leading but at the end, I won because their hand was sore. Bahaha. They

said I played like an Auntie. Whatever, as long as I win. Hahahahahaha

So, the morale of this story was, well I don't know really. But I guess in life there is fast way

and slow way. Like my career pathway.

I mean, if a person loves doing something, and he did it little by little everyday, he will

definitely becomes expert on it.

I think it applies to all people. Even though there's exist those geniuses who can master things

within short period, but those rushed act will not last long.

So, slow doesn't means bad ending. It could be just another brick for a bigger achievement. :)

Middle man

I felt bad.

I always thought Mr R and Mr F were a close friends.

But it seems they aren't. Or maybe this is what they call, "mens' friendship"

It seem Mr R is someone who holds a grudge.

I wanted to organize another meet up so I can met with him. But I felt it would he awkward if it only involves the two of us.

So I asked Mr R to invite Mr F too. Or my other batchmate who literally lived behind his house.

But he rejected my idea.

I, for some reason, pitied Mr F. Because Mr R dislike his attitude, but Mr F did not know that. At the end, the might went apart without another person knows the reason.

And I, always be the one who listen to rants given by those two people. -.-

Or, in other words, I am the one who responsible to convey the messages??

Damn. I hate to get involve but in the same time, I felt uneasy.

****************************************

Anyhow, suddenly I thought about the moment when I ride the motorcycle with Mr R.

I have a thought to jokingly hug him. But I don't. Because it is too risky. And I am afraid he would know my intention.

Suddenly I realize that if I came out, people won't have a hard time to believe it.

Anyhow about the riding motorcycle moment

I thought of an innocent excuse.

I would get on the bike, them hug him. If he was acting weird, I would just said 'I am sorry' because this is how I did with my father and brother.

Sound naive and innocent?

I am not sure myself. My looks says the opposite. If only I was a cute innocent and hopeless girl....

But would be my heaven on earth if he just let me hug him?

What's more, I already thought that he likes to talk to me. As he told me that he don't like to talk to certain people because they have nothing to talk about. Muahahahahaha.

Well, it was the hormones and lust who did all the talking.

And I might assuming things, again.

Well not I at least should take care my self properly to be a pretty handsome girl boy. So it would not be weird for him to make a move bahahahaha #loserhopefulme

Although plastic surgery is the only way now. -.-

to what extend

I am feeling so bored. But needy. I need someone to hug.

I have been living in my house for a month I think. I seriously need to get out. But I am lazy just like that lols.

Anyway,

I was at the kitchen doing house chores when Mr R sent me a chat message in the League of Legends. He ask for a quick game. But I was late like 10 minutes. He was gone.

Darn it!

I sent some message, in the game client, and Facebook. He was online but he did not reply my messages.

I just played alone.

He replied the message saying he was away playing Fifa. And then he needs to go out.

FIFA. and other sports games like PES.

These are the canyon that separating me and my crushes.

I am not sure why. I play games, but I don't prefer sports games.

But these people love sports games so much, as they love the real games.

I can't talk with them about the football teams, as there are too many and too confusing and I don't get it how one choose which team they wants? I mean I understand if one support their state team but the European league? You are commenting and criticize like a boss but then those player don't hear you, and you don't even do them any good. You don't pay them. In any means.

I do try to watch the game sometimes but it seems I get distracted easily. With the handsome muscular player and their short shorts. LOLs

Anyhow, I think I want to learn playing the sports game. As my siblings are also crazy about them.

But I don't know. It is quite hard to be somebody else.

Last time I played, these people bullied me. Sobs sobs.

To what extend one can change for love? I for sure love things to be easy. Hmm..

Weird

I am now so clueless. With my GF.

She wrote on her twitter good bye a week ago, but then she started to tweet yesterday, then extensively today.

I ask my straight friend for advice. He said woman on period will act weird.

So I heed his advice, as I myself thinks this is a nuisance. So, I ignored her.

Then, today I tweet her. She replied, saying things like 'this is not P, but her slaves'. Then I ask 'really?'. I played on then asked, 'since when and where is she?'. She replied, 'since so long', then said, 'her master was asleep'. I replied again, 'oh my she slept so early like kids'. Then ask when she will wake up.

Then there is no reply. I looked at her profile. It shows she wrote she need to sleep.

OMG!!

Does she left me just like that?? Really? Went to sleep without saying good byes?

I wonder of it is true it was not her. I mean, the language does felt like it was not her.

I am bit frustrated.

But then. I don't really care. A bit sad actually.

I think we are falling apart.

Maybe I was destined to be alone till old age. If I found a gay mate, it would be a hard life for me either.

I do realize I may only love her as a friend. Because I realize that I can't tolerate her flaws and ickiness.

I think, deep my heart, I can live without her.

Like I can throw her whenever the situation calls it.

Not like Mr R. I foolishly stand with his peeves, and even bother to wasting time starting to play online multiplayer games so that I can meet and play with him again.

Oh my. This is serious.

I am not really sure what to do at this moment.

Should I confronted her?

Should I just let it be?

But IMO she should not act this way. She don't deserves it. Who she think she is? I mean if I go away from this relationship, she is the one who will suffer the most.

She is a girl, and a girl value receded in accordance to age. Like gay-men *gulp*

Really? Holding grudge? Just because I rarely SMS her first? At least I was there to reply to all  her messages. Never once missed.

Ok I need to confront her. Someday.

See, this procrastination is serious.

Maybe it is true that I don't love her deep enough. Well I can't. She might be pretty, but she is not handsome.

Will I be single?? Oh my. I get a bit depressed when seeing people get married.

Oh my oh my. What should i do???

Gardening

The page view is so sad. Well I have been commenting less to people's blog, as I am aware my post is getting nonsensical by day. Well, as long as I have the place to let it out.

There is nothing about my relationship in this post today.

Just I want to say that, today I have been gardening for two consecutive days. It is not the typical pretty girl gardening, like the one you see in the movie/series, where the gardener was wearing a big hat with shades, in a well kept garden, just snipping some branches here and that, and picking the vegetables etc.

This is serious gardening. More like farming. Except that it was done at my backyard.

I need to weed using a hoe. I was practically moving the soil while cutting the weed to move them away. So tiring.

I am feeling frustrated when one of my PLU friend said he loves gardening and wish to do it when I complaint about it. He even said I should be grateful. Bluergh. I felt so tired.

Yesterday I did the major gardening. Because I WANT TO. I need some exercise after all.

But today, my body was a little bit aches. My muscles are sore. But then, my mother force me to do it again.

Oh my god. Even when I jog, I rest for a day.

But I just sleep in for two hours, until my mother screaming for me to get out of bed. lols.

Anyhow, I was gardening half-heart-ly. The I took a peek at my mother, because honestly while I was having my sleep-in, I heard the hoe sound.

She has been working since 7:30 am. Non-stop.

The I realised, why did she work so hard? With no gloves what-so-ever. I mean, even myself, I put some gloves, run from the sun etc.

Doesn't she wanted to be pretty? Or at least take care of her skin etc?

The it struck me. My mother never really took care of herself. She don't try to be pretty.

And me, of course I have some of her genes.

OH MY GOD. So depressed

But really, I pitied her. She should be resting around doing facial and having massages.

Hmmm...  

Misunderstanding

My girlfriend sent a sms. the smiley " :-( "

She did it once before on the Whatsapp. I replied on the Whatsapp, but she didn't.

When I replied the sms, with six emoticons and three question marks, she said it was cute, then she sent another sms asking why I don't always the one who send sms to her first. She asked if I don't like it.

I was speechless.

Of course, my spontaneous answer would be that I don't have much to talk about. I am unemployed, living with my parent. So there's nothing new on my side. There are no hot gossip either. If there are, I prefer not to talk about it as gossiping is a bad thing.

Also, if I don't sleep in the morning, I would be busy helping with the housechores. After that, I will be sleeping again.

But all the above would be seem as excuses. (-.-")

So I just replied saying that I do not want to disturb her. She was working, so I am afraid maybe I disturb her.

She said I don't sms her during the December break.

I replied to her saying I want her to have her break because of her work.

She said her "work" is not everyday. 

GOD. This is not going anywhere.

I so would like to drop the bomb:

 "shouldn't you be grateful that I at least replied to your SMSes, and also, try to keep the conversation going?"
"Or would you rather I replied with short words? OK. Haha. Hurm. Yes. Nope. Do you like that?"
"You should see yourself in the mirror and thought if another guy would ever land their eyes on your fatness. Be grateful ok? What's the matter anyway?" OK this is too harsh.

But again I am always be the good guy. I said something about I did contacted her at other social platforms, and said to her that I will always sms her after we got married.

The sms stopped coming.

OH emm geee!! *hair pulling*

Is this the hormone?? Or the girls just love to do this?? I am 100% sure it was her period. If it wasn't, well I am screwed.

I am not sure if gays is easier or did they also have this kind of drama? -.-

Touch

Being timid and shy, sometimes I wonder what action would be the most appropriate, when somebody put their hand on my shoulders

As a closeted gay, I would try to limit any body contact, even though my heart longing for one, as I don't want to be discovered.

And things get harder if not weirder when my crushes were around. I want to touched then but I am afraid my act would be seem as inappropriate. However, there are some of my straight friends who always makes a friendly body contact. Damn, I am so jealous of them.

The best moment, would be, when you become close to your crushes and they are the one who start making those friendly gestures.

However, I have this habit to spontaneously putting my hand onto their shoulder, as an indirect sign that I acknowledge their touch, and I want to repay them.

But usually my hand quite short, or they are quite tall. Then I end up putting my hands at their waist. I am literally caressing them LOL

Mr R put his hand on my shoulder.

Well, in the begining  Mr and Mr F was walking and talking together as I was walking behind them. Then Mr put his hand around Mr F. I felt quite envious at first.

Then, we stopped at a shop. When we started to move again, Mr R was putting his hand onto me.

I used to do the above thing on him before.

But this time, I restraining myself. Well more like that I was a bit too late because suddenly he starting saying things like "when somebody putting his hand onto your shoulder, it would be a waste of time for you to put back you hand onto his". Well I am not sure how he suddenly came out with those words.

I would like to think that he was taking advantages on me. Haha

I just nodded and smile amd laugh then i said, "really? How about if I put it at your waist (I DID to him) or you buttock? (so tempted to do it but I did not :( )"

We all just laugh.

Damn. I miss him

Aloof

There are moments when I want to be a girl so badly.

Like during the trip mentioned before, there was this one time, I was asked to fill up the motorcycle tank.

Honestly, I never fill up the tank at the petrol station because well I don't have a motorcycle driving licence and my father prohibit me from riding anything unless I got the licence.

But I once filled the car tank.

I pulled the trigger but the petrol doesn't came out.

Then a sudden awkward after I kept on pulling the trigger as nothing happen.

When I released the trigger, then pulled again, finally the petrol came out.

My friends, including Mr R was laughing.

OMG. I was so embarrassed.

This is a perfect moment for me, if I was a girl. A innocent cute girl who don't know how to pump the petrol in. Ok maybe not so cute with my look.

Still, my friends keep on bashing me for being a n00b. Duh~!

On other occasion, I was proven to be braver than Mr R because I tried the scary ride while he did not. He  is a chicken! Bahahahaha

***************************************

Actually there is a reason for me suddenly writing here.

Mr R out of nowhere, message me on the Facebook.

Well I have been thinking of him lately, with his cute brothers and all. Opss.

Also one of the moment I wished I was a girl, so I could be the sister-in-law for his brother.

Anyhow, I am so glad. Quite surprised really because well, I don't have much to talk.

Turn out he was nagging about Mr F behaviors for getting annoyed easily.

I mean, well Mr F was known as a person who complaints a lot. But I just take it as a pinch of salt as the complain was not about me, nor related to me.

Does that mean, I am so pleasant to be with??

And by the end of the conversation, he said "sweet dream" and "good night babe". That was weird. And it does not end with "haha" which signify it was not a joke.

Could he fell with me? Well he is so homophobic but then, people who are homophobic may actually be the homosexuals-in-disguise.

In our trip together he kept on making jokes saying I have made a bad and rushed decision wanting to be with my girlfriend.

He even rides with me on the motorcycle.Of course the reason was "I was heavier" and he claimed that he was the most experienced rider.

And there's the "anal" conversation.

I am thinking too much again.