Desperate

As I keep on watching till the second season of Raising Hope, I am totally hooked with it. And with Jimmy (Lucas Neff). 

Funny things is, he looked like Mr R.

They both are fair, not hairy on the limb but hairy on the chest lol. They looked so good when wearing round neck shirts with skinny sleeves.

It seems that I am not sure if I am just missing to talk to Mr R, or having a crush or I am actually felt in love with him. Or I am just desperate from reading the Yaoi manga #FML

And things don't get better seeing when Jimmy wrote a play to his girlfriend, and when they both kissing, I get tear-eyed.

Because I imagine me being the girl but sadly it won't happen to me.

Lucas Neff is so cute, so does Mr R.

******************************************************

Last week, Mr R and I were chatting in the game of League of Legends. As usual, he asked me whether I want to play with him or not.

The word "play" serves many meaning to us. One, of course the usual playing of games. Second, doing sex.

So me being flirtatious, I said, "you asked me to 'play' with you?? Play what?? OMG you!! 0.0"

He replied, "of course playing games. What were you have been thinking?? If you were talking about sex, well I don't want your butt cause it belongs to your housemate. I don't do second hand" 

A running jokes in my batch is that my housemates and I were gay couple living together. My housemate is straight. Although sometimes I feel like I am his wife when I bought the groceries *gasps!*

I wished my housemate would be someone of my taste so I could, you know, turning him into homos. lol

Then Mr R and I made lots of butt-sex jokes. Like he suddenly told us to go to a friends house all four of us tonight. I asked for what reason? He said to do butt sex altogether -.-

So after that I jokingly asked him to ask his Middle Eastern friend to get anyone of who interested in butt sex. 

He replied asking, "you would really do Mr E? Seriously, Mr E? That's your taste?? I can give you his number. You can even called him tonight for booty call hahaha"

I replied, "yeah right. As if I would do butt sex in the first place". Then I said, "you talk a lot about anal sex. Seriously, the question here, like you ever would do a butt sex. Would you do it?"

He said, "of course, but not with a man. With woman."

That makes me thinking. If you got a girl, why bother go for the butt when one can just have a go at her pussy??

He don't reply my question as he was in-game.

So does he one of us?? Even me myself squirm at the thought of doing anal sex. I feel dirty. Well I am not sure how I would feel cause I am a virgin haha.

Raising Hope

I am currently hooked on this television series titled "Rising Hope". It is basically about a single dad raising his daughter.

When I first watched the first episode, during the earlier part, I was thought, "meh, another main cast who is a loser". I mean, I can't stand people who get into trouble because he/she has no self-control.

Right now I myself don't have a self control either. I have been lazying around all day all week and still haven't done my pending task.

But it turn out that the series is more that it is. Luckily the main cast don't faced too much problem because of his stupidness/naiveness.

Actually I continued watching the series because Lucas Neff is so cute, and it is amazing that some people can be good looking without the need of being ripped. Damn the blessed people!!!

Suddenly things get more interesting because I really love Virginia the mom, and their family jokes. I can't stop watching now. Haha.

But really, Lucas Neff is unbelievably cute. For some reason when I google image-ed him, he doesn't look so good. I maybe because of the make up, the bangs or maybe because of what people called, "photogenic"??

******************************************

There was a moment about Jimmy (Lucas Neff) complaining to his parent that he doesn't get expensive toys during his childhood, and he was so determined not to let the same things happen to his daughter.

Well, I felt corny. I meant, I am the child who don't get the expensive toys. But because of that, I don't become spoilt. I don't show off, and I don't throw tantrum when I don't get what I want.

I did feel so sad at first. But now I know I won't get it, as my parent couldn't afford it so I am being grateful with what I have.

Maybe to the level that I don't have expectation to anybody because I don't want to get hurt.

******************************************

I also have this opinion that we should not spoil our children too much to build character and self dependence.

But nowadays, I guess every parent (even my brothers) spoilt their children. I am really afraid of what becoming to their child. I heard stories that teacher these days can't do anything at all to the students. Even now the students is bloody rude. If the teacher do something, their parent will go bashing the school.

Anyhow it is still early to tell, but I hope for the best of my nephew. I only have this opinion based on how my parents taught me, but maybe my parent's method is flawed, who knows.

******************************************

I tweeted something about the funny things in the Raising Hope. Mr Z asked what it was.

I replied. With three tweets posts.

Then that it is. Silence. Not even a "Haha".

I feel neglected. Like I am wasting my energy again.

God, I should stop being so naive!!

Mental note: #ignore Mr Z. He ask with one word, I should reply with one letters. Muahahahahaha *evil laugh*

Recent

Can we turn others into HOMOS?? Haha

Finally my mood has stabilized. Right now, I just don't give a damn anymore. I'll give my attention just to those who worth it. Haha

I've just acting normal and get on as usual with Mr Z, his housemates and his neighbour.

I like his neighbour best because his neighbour is generous with everything. If we have any food project, his neighbour will contribute as much as he can. As Mr Z, bluegghh. Do. Not. Give. Expectation. At All.

OK maybe I was too harsh. Mr Z does have his good points.

I do felt content that Mr Z realized that I am disappointed. 

It is funny that his ego is too big.

You see, we used to go jog together in the morning. But on the day I pestered him to do the video, he don't reply my message. He reply 3 hours later saying he just woke up.

I am sure it was a lie. I am confident he still woke up at that time, because he actively tweeting 10 minutes before my message.

Frustrated, I made a twitter status saying 

It's difficult when u did something for someone, they don't appreciate u. but it's ok. maybe it's my fault too. i shouldn't have too high of an expectation

The day after that, he don't asked me to go jog together anymore. And no longer showing signs that he woke up in the morning. Haha.

Well it don't affect me to the bit. It is for the better actually. Because I want to go jog more distance. But with him, I need to jog in shorter distance, and not forgetting the long resting period. I would rather resting by walking, so by that I would be covering more miles even when recovering.

Damn. Wasted my time ranting about Mr Z. #FML.

Lonely

It's 23 September now. In less than one month I will be leaving for good to Malaysia.

I am nervous. Of the unknown future.

**********************

As I have too much time alone, I've made some deep thought. About friends. About friends' behaviour to me. Yeah it is always about me haha.

Anyhow if you noticed, I've made a lot of post about friend. About my unsatisfaction. Am I too choosy? Am I too demanding??

It is just... why life is so complicated? Or because I was being selfish so I am the one who made it so complicated?

Well I am not totally at fault.

You know that I am still mad at Mr Z (that friend). But what I am most annoyed was he just made like nothing happened. Well I myself did the same also. I am cool just like that, as I said lol.

I really hate his ignorance.

Actually my reason of anger was I was being left out. Haha.

They went to make a suit but they don't invite me. But maybe because I told them I've one. But I want to made another one. But I have no money. But it is so cheap. But it is not like I am going to wear them frequently. But I am just being greedy. OK stop!

And recently I read that they are making satay. They don't invite me yet. Hmm. It is ok anyway, I was on diet and I want to save.

Anyhow, I say life was complicated because the person we want to care don't care about us, but the people who cared about us, we tend to neglect.

Mr Z is a nice people to hang out with. To laugh with and so on. But he is so stingy. So calculative. *although he made a post thanking me for teaching him how to make roti jala*

But still, maybe I was mad because he is a man of a few words. Last time I got my voice up at him cause he refused to call his neighbour just to ask if the neighbour is ready for our steamboat party. I mean what is the problems??

In other notes, Mr T is so talkative. Suit him well cause he knows a lot of people, and people knows him too. And not to forget, he seems to know everything. Haha.

But I feel annoyed with Mr T. He talks to much, asks too much. I feel tired.

Somehow at one time I found that Mr Z and I, we both are ignoring Mr T. Haha

I am lonely. I need company. I miss my friend who was in Malaysia already. I am bored with the friends here hahaha.

I'm just cool like that

Anyhow I think I don't care anymore.

Furthermore, I think that friend would definitely feels that other than that project's benefits to only fills the slot during the graduation dinner, and to some extend, being one of the last moment of us in here, I think that will be it.

And I should always knew that that friend only take things seriously regarding the matters of just academic. Which I should do also.

I am one that hard to get upset but I am easily cooled. Maybe that was the reason people always take advantages on me. And I can't stand not talking to the people that I've been close too.

*****************************************

Mr R is acting weird. Haha

I've only gone for jogging about 3-4 times a week, and now because of my video project, I don't go anymore. But tonight I am planning to go.

I was talking to Mr R in our game chat. And he asked me what did I do nowadays (didn't know he would care lol)

So I told him I have been gone jogging.

And when it was his turn to make the video, I went to his house.

Last time I went, he was sleeping with only a strip of clothes covering the area between his belly button and thigh. I wonder if he slept naked. Haha.

And that day, as usual, he just woke up. And he was wearing only boxers. OMG.

It is weird really because I am not feeling any lust to steal more looks. Maybe I was tired because I have masturbated that morning (lols again) I was making the video. And also I kept avoiding staring because well, that would be weird.

I don't see any six pack because he is hairy. Quite hairy for a fair person.

When I saw him in that way I gave his a remarked, "OMG, you are naked!! What a sight!! My eyes OMG!! OMG!!"

He was a bit drowsy, silent at first then just smiled then said, "yeah. I know. I should've covered it now but still I don't"

OK did he just do that to show off? To flaunt himself to me? haha dreaming again Soy Bean?

Anyhow, I went out of his bedroom, then he closed the door. I was talking with his other housemates while he was getting ready.

While I was sitting at the sofa alone, he came then kept poking my chest. He said, "so you have been working out?? Looking nice. You are so hardworking".

Really? He noticed something?? Honestly I don't feel a thing. I mean I still feel fat as a pig. Even my chest muscle is still flat.

So that makes me thinks. Did he just caress me?? LOLs.

Why is he making those weird signs?? or it is just me? Hahaha

Calculative

Today is 19 September. I promised to my friend that I'll visit him at the capital after 16 September.

But after the recent event mentioned in my previous post, I am not sure anymore.

I think I need to revise my friendship.

That friend who lives in the capital don't really do anything significant to me.

But he did to others.

It has been 5 years, but I still remember that he bought souvenir t-shirts for two of my friends for their birthday, but none for me.

I seriously think that they get the present because they are better looking than me.

I mean how come when you went to a place, you specially remembered to buy two t-shirt for your other friend, but you don't remember mine?

And you even have the guts to ask me to deliver the t-shirt, when I am the one who takes the trouble to visit you? In the capital. 4 hours of traveling.

That's it. I can't get over it. I am not going. And I am wondering if he would asked me if I will. Let see if he cares enough.

Frustrated

We were shooting for our graduation dinner video.

We divided the schedule according to the area. And yesterday was my area.

There are a lot of Malaysian in my area so we decided to just call around 10 people for our shooting. Because we think it would be too crowded with too much people.

And, I feel a bit guilty because my recently close friend (he lives nearby so I usually went to his house) wasn't not invited by the group.

But, I decided that I would take that friend footage later on with his housemates and neighbour.

Things has been favourable for me. I mean everybody give a substantial cooperation to me. While shooting, I thought about that friend so I leave some part hoping that person would do it.

Today we finished shooting in all the area. So I thought I would ask that friend to do it after this.

Turn out, he refused. Saying he is camera shy etc.

I am in rage!!

What the f*ck?? What is the problem?? I leave the most easier, idiot-looking proof part for you. I mean unless you are so retarded, you won't mess it.

Honestly, I can finish shooting with those sporting people but I took the liberty to leave some part for you. And FYI many people are asking for that part because it is one of the easiest!!

When editing, some part was missing. That friend's part.

What I hate the most it because you don't appreciate my effort. And I can't think another reason for your refusal other that you said you are being unreasonably shy. Who you think you are??

Other people are shy too, but they still do it nevertheless.

To think that I've spend days to think what act you can do so as not to taint your non-existent image.

I have been trying to persuade him. I sent comment on his Facebook wall.

Adding oil to the fire, when I went to have a look at his profile, it disappear.

 He DELETED my comment. Oh no you didn't!

But I guess it is my fault too. I have too high of an expectation. I should've known you better, as we have been friends for about two years.

I should have knew you are the person that don't really believe in giving things more that to receive.

And also your inferiority complex, your insecure feeling, your mysterious I-have-a-secret attitude, and your I-can-look-at-your-stuff-but-you-can't-look-at-mine behaviour, are annoying.

Seriously, why are you so insecure?? Bad childhood?

Why when I am being the good guy, I am always the one who being pathetic and unappreciated??


I am tired, and sleepy. I guess that was the reason for me being cranky.

So hot!

I went to my colleagues' house, because we need to discuss our said project

The said partner lives with his two other person, P and N

P is cute and tall. I seriously think if medicine don't work out for him, he could be a model anytime. I started to notice him in my second year when I started to compare my height with everybody because I am feeling insecure with my height. Then I thought who the hell is that damn tall guy??

He is one of those people who was blessed with the good skin. He don't have acne scar, and his body is clean and smooth. I love it because he usually wore shorts in his house, and this time I came, he was shirtless.

Well maybe I have a tiny bit of crush on him.

His plus point is he is very good with person. He is a bit goofy sometimes but I think that was his charm. But he is straight I guess. Eventhough we do a lot of pervert gay jokes sometimes.

Like he said, "Do you want a banana??". Then he said again, "said the sentences, then make eye contact". *Laugh *.  If you know what I mean.

And when he starts going to the gym for sometimes, he become more delicious.

P body is toned I guess. He has a formed pecs. But when I focused my eyes on his abs, luckily his abs don't really show. I said "luckily" because at least he is not on the A-level of hotness so I don't have a strong reason to drool and envious of him haha.

And P don't do cardio often so I guess as long he just keep on doing strength training only at his upper arm only, his abs won't show. Although I would definitely gone crazy if it does because he is totally my taste.

N, on the other hand, has about the same build as me. Beefy, althought I'd say he has a smaller build that me. We were in the same class when we were 13 years old. Then he transfer. And when we were 18, we met again till now.


We have a cross country competition last year. I was about in the same rank as him, but I was in front of him because I sprint near the finish line.

So I always have this impression that he is fatter than me haha


I saw N while jogging in the last Friday morning. He was jogging non-stop. As for me, I need to make a stop once a while.

When I saw him jogging away, I noticed that he has smaller calf muscle.

And today, when I was in his house, he was about to go jogging again. So I said "does your body finished??" (a running joke between their housemates, because P usually said his body still haven't finished eventhough he has been going to the gym for sometimes)

Then he flashes his shirtless body and flexed a bit, and to my surprise, there is as six packs!

A SIX PACKS!!

OMG!!! So hot and so envious!! And that means I is not impossible for me to get one.

But his six packs is muscular and bulging. I want to be the lean and toned six packs.

That house has never been so hot!!

Post grad

My friend who was in Malaysian attended a medical convention. He told me that my senior of 4 years present a research paper there.

OMG I'm having a great respect for him (the Senior).

The senior was my facilitator during my orientation when I first set my foot at the Middle East. He and I was from two different university. He was my facilitator because we were staying at the capital before going to my designated state.

I'm feeling respect for him because he went to further his master so quick. I heard stories that you need to queue to become a specialist with the Ministry of Health scholarship.

But I always new that the Senior is an excellent student. And with his quite a good look (fair skin), I am sure the head of department pleased to recommend him.

As for me, the time is still long, but I still haven't decide my future goals.

Of course every House Officer will want to further into specialist for the less work burden and also the money.

But for me, I don't know. I don't know if I have the interest or the talent.

I read a Medical Officer (MO) blogs. Well she just stayed being a MO for some years, and from her stories is was not so bad. I mean she does state that she was envious of her batchmate who further their studies but she states that her life now is just fine.

I do longed the feeling of achievement, and I won't mind to get noticed sometimes, with a proud achievement.

Right now, I am so sad with my final grades (it is still pass), but I wonder what my cGPA would be -.-

But I prefer cooking and computer stuff than the medical stuff.

Sometimes I wonder if I continue in cooking school or multimedia school, would I be more successful??

I mean I heard a story that a friend of mine took a geology course. At first her parent smirked (and even me) at the course's name. I mean how could one make a living from studying a rock??

Turn out after he graduated, he get offered a job in oil company in Dubai. OMG!!

I sometimes thought to take a course in culinary, after this. but I guess to start my housemanship would be easier.

I hope I can stand the housemanship. God help me.

Homosexuality

I just figuratively becoming the spoke-person for gay people. But only to my family hahahaha.

No, I still haven't came out (maybe never). It is just recently the internet in my family and friends network was roared with the guidelines from the Ministry of Education about the gay and lesbian guidelines.

About how to detect gay and lesbian. To see the character if it was in their children then do the corrective measure. Seriously? -.-

So it all began when my cousin (W, mentioned in previous post) tweets, saying:

I don't believe when gay people said they are born this way. I thinks it is their choice. It is optional

So I replied the tweet by saying, why would a person choose a road that is difficult, and not what people would regard as "normal"?? unless if he/she was born this way??

The suddenly out of sudden my brother and his wife also replied the tweet. I am quite afraid that my identity will be discovered.

I, of course, of all people understand very well the feeling.

And, now I get it when the gay people said, "the masses don't 'get it'"

Seriously I am so tired rebutting to my own family. They always have the idea that it all due to the peer influence, bad parenting, external factors etc.

And my heart beats so fast cause I am afraid they would noticed something is not right. But luckily they don't, yet.

They don't believe that people can have the feeling wired to the brain. Or that hormonal exposure during the pregnancy can altered one orientation. They keep on saying it all due to the wrong education and earlier years of nurturing.

I was just about to tell them that how come that was possible because I was in the Islamic kindergarten, I don't even know the word gay until I am 11 years old and stumble upon it when I search the internet for "nude man", yet I always fond to the male friend, don't notice the female (nor wanting to get know them) and whenever the advertisement showed men with six-pack, I got an erection??

Also the funny scenario when I rub a girl's hand because she blamed me for making it dirty, yet I don't feel a thing yet everybody made a gossip about it.

But of course that was like taking a ticket to suffering. I mean the most possible scenario if I came out to my parent would be they will send me to the motivational religious camp. Really. They are so conservative that sometimes I do hate them. I mean they don't allow me to have long hairs!! I seriously look weird in my curly wavy hair

But to my brother and his wife, I am not sure. They seems open-minded, but I guess I don't really trust them, yet.

During the discussion, I have the feeling to just let it go because I hate conflict and of course not to breach my undercover but then I need to try to explain to them as clear as I can.

Because honestly I do feel pity to those gay who succumb to their desire and live a rotten live. I once joked to my gay friend that I want to make an association to guard the well-being of gay. Me as the president while he being my vice (power crazy much?)

In conclusion, I am happy that I was able to change their mind maybe a little bit, saying this could be a inborn error, a test from the God and encourage the government, the religious scholar and the physician to do more research in this topic.

May Allah bless us all. Allah knows better

Relatives

I have cousins, whose family is one that I envy because their family seems to be "well-off"

The first reason, W and F was born in England while uncle and aunt studied there.

I have this theory that the place you was born thus the food that you eat can influence your look.

I mean, W and F both pretty and handsome. I have crushed on both of them. Not sure if it was a crush of I just love to have a look at them. V, the second children, has a ordinary look.

My cousins' order of birth is like this. W, V, F, S, T. V was born in Malaysia after my uncles and aunt got their degree while F was born back in England because they were doing their Master.

Secondly, my cousins has the opportunity to learn musical instrument during their childhood. Well I do get an electronic keyboard for my birthday but my parent can't afford to pay for the class. I really want to learn piano someday. But I hope my finger don't get stiffed.

Thirdly, they got like lots of English story books. 

My English when I was in primary school is so bad. I am so envious of them because the were exposed to lots of English books. They used to read children books written by the famous writer such as Enid Blyton and... well that was the one that I know T_T

When we went to their house, the are a lot of English story books. And I was like, "OMG they must be damn good in English".

My parent? "The books are expensive"-.- I need to borrow the books from the library. I think the library has played a lot of roles in my early years of development.

Fourthly, as I said, they are quite rich. Before they own their house, they used to rent in a two-story house. In the kitchen, there were a lot of expensive electrical and electronic device. And being a child, my favourite thing was they have a lot of toys. I still remember that I was so excited knowing that my parent going to visits their house because then I can play with their LEGO.

I only have the chances playing with LEGO rip-off. Whenever I played, I always build something big, in the end, I end up with not enough pieces. When my parent bought a new one, there were of different sizes and type.

When I knew that LEGO is so expensive, I am so terrified when seeing my cousin throw their LEGO blocks everywhere.

I am so fond of W, their oldest daughter. She is pretty, she plays the piano and seem to be a very good person.

Until recently I get in touch with W a lot on twitter, and I also follows her blog.

And I stumble upon her blog post ranting about her life.

Well I do know that she took engineering degree, but now she was working at her parent's pharmacy while doing master in another course. Totally different from the taken degree.

She was older than my 4th brother but even my brother who took medicine has started working.

I followed her blog when I found it then she make the blog private but recently it was opened to public again.

And I was surprised reading that she wrote that there were a few things that she was envious of our family.

My parent always lives moderately, spends only on important things and always find the cheaper deals. And not to mention, academic is everything.

I guess it is true that when we are envious of others, there must be something that other people envious of us.

So, be contented

The result was out

Finally the result was out.

I got B for the subjects. Meh. Seeing others getting better grades brings the kiasu spirit mode in me. But being "kiasu" after the exams whatsmore after the result has no use really.

I am feeling so inferior.

And of course I can't help to see Mr G's result.

He got A for a subject. Oh my God!! How come? I think he is as clueless as me

But I am still happy for him. Well top should score better WTF

******************************

Mr G has been rather active in facebook lately by posting his photo. Vain much? haha.

And for some reason, I think I have been overly acting all close to him. Like I have been liking all his post, commenting, recommenting to his post and comments.

I do felt reluctant, afraid that he would think I am a stalker.

But I guess him being the normal innocent straight guy will think that I am just being his close buddy. Which I am glad to be.

I miss him. :(

My Girlfriend

I have a girlfriend. We are in a relationship, for about 4 years now. 2 years official, with my parent's knowledge. My mother even sent her a ring.

I am not sure of my feeling. I think I am gay, but my judgement say getting a girlfriend is more simple. I think I could live with her.

FYI, I am about to complete my studies. I am waiting for the result to come out then if I pass, I can officially graduate.

If all ends well, my graduation will be on the October. But my allowance from my scholarship ends at September. Which is this months.

Thing couldn't get more shitter because when I withdraw the money, the money stuck, I don't get it but my balance was subtracted.

I am officially broke.

My plan was to subscribe to faster internet so I can download Korean series. For the sake of enjoying a cheap internet.

However, I overspent buying things to bring to Malaysia.

With my current internet speed, I still can download them. But I am currently out of space to keep them. My new external broke.

Anyhow, my girlfriend is being a sweetheart today. She offered to pay for my external. No need to pay back.

OH MY GOD!!

Now I have a person who loves me more that I love her.

Why the hell I am destined in a complicated world?