Dad's problems

It's ironic that I just ranting about my father, then today, he did something which  I hate.

He called me today, asking for my desktop password. The reason? He wanted to test my internet speed.

Seriously, why don't you just live quietly? Why bother me???

Why are you so obsessed with fast internet? Why you would EVER, NEED it?? You don't trust me when I said the internet is ok? Well you never really trust me in anything anyway.

And, there's the old laptop at the back room. Use that. When I told you the internet is fine, no matter if it was the wireless or the cable, believe in me, will you??

But you don't.

FYI, the password is there for a reason. YOU.

But being the kind me, I just gave it.

Thinking back, there are two reasons for me to be so mad

First, my father don't believe my words.

I told him countless time that the internet is ok. Why it is so hard for that to get into you head?? He even makes the effort asking his friend to come to the house to check the internet. Godddddddd!!

Second, the breach of my privacy. I still remember when I was in high school, he opened my letter without my permission.

Now, I am afraid he would discover my gay porn surf history, and the porn collections.

I want to rage but unfortunately I am unemployed so I still need his money. So I just need to be patient in the meantime.

Thirdly (I said two but what the heck), my father starting to surf porn.

I know that well, everybody surf porn. But I can't accept when my father did it. Because he is one of those people with the holier-that-thou attitude. He leads the prayer in the local mosque.

And I still remember when I was 9 years old, I wear "songkok" to the school. My father then said songkok is only for the good people. I don't deserve to wear it.

That really, broke my confidence.

And now that tok imam (local religious leader) is surfing for porn. Shame on you!!

Now I understand why my brother lived in Kuala Lumpur for one months after he went back from oversea. It is too annoying to live with my parent.

For now, if my father discover my porns, I guess maybe that would be the best. We would have a very long discussion. So be it. I hope I don't scream during the discussion. Or run away.

I am thinking now places that I will be gone if I want to run away.

My family is so... I don't know... damaged?? Uncommunicative? Action speaks louder that words??

Tomorrow I will be going back to my hometown. We'll see what would happen.

Parents

I have been living with my parent now, for a month and a week.

And I am telling you, it is sooooooooo uncomfortable. Oh gawd (-.-")

I read somewhere in the internet about people (the Asian) who make a fuss that their parent insist that the children to live with them.

And how in Australia children will leave the parent's house between the age of 18-22 years old. If the child refuse, the parent themselves with throw the child's belonging's outside the house

I guess is a very different situation.

I mean, the westerners parent are very understanding and communicating well. No wonder the child refuse to live

For the Asians? Well, they are very strict. So the children can't wait to get away. To get some freedom, and control of life.

Like my father.

I don't hate him. I just don't prefer him. Will elaborate about that in another post. If I am hard working enough.

Anyhow, there are just some vibe of my father that I don't like.

It seem that I can't live under the same roof as him.

No wonder my brother above me never went home, albeit the holidays that he gets. Sneaky bro. -.-

Tears

My close friend just got a baby today.

Felt happy, but sad also.

Happy for him, but sad for me.

Because I think now he has everything one could have. A wife, a children. And they both love each other so much, like a match made in heaven.

For me, I don't know. I still don't know how I felt.

Feeling like a loser. Drool at men but knowing that I could not have them.

Born different. Depressed.

Maybe because this song was playing on the background. It does gives a sad vibe.

Anyhow, congratulations my friend!! (even though he don't read this blog)

Trip to the East coast

Dedicated to Mr G. Well of course my meeting with him was not that dramatic, and I don't noticed him until I was in 4th year. But this song really speaks my heart. The part "I want to take care of him"

I just went back from the east coast trip. Attending batchmates' wedding, and also visiting friends.

I am so tired, but satisfied

The highlight of the trip was of course, meeting Mr G. Haha.

I was so anxious at first.

But the lady luck smiled at me. As I still don't have my driving licence, Mr G was driving me. Driving us actually. It was a long trip, so they take turns to drive. Me? Sitting at the back like a boss hahaha.

I can't stop imagining that I am Mr G partner sitting besides him while driving. Offering him junk food, drinking water or making conversation to prevent him being sleepy. Or maybe holding hands all through out the journey.

One of my best moment was when we have one-on-one talk. We were three in the car, but that other person just finished his turn for driving, so he was sleeping.

It was nothing serious. I was just asking about Mr G childhood. And he was so happy explaining it to me. Haha.

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Anyhow, I think Mr G is in a relationship.

Whenever he was free, he chatted on his whatsapp. And I saw the name. It is a girl.

Well, at least I can still see him.

I think I will see him again if we have the same interview date.

Although, I am frustrated because I am unable to hug Mr G before he leaves.

It was Mr G's fault! He shakes my hand too soon. And when I was shaking then hugging everyone else at the car, he did shake and hug my other friend then he just went to sit on the driver's seat and busy preparing to drive. I can't even make an eye contact with him.

I just say, "I'll be going now Mr G. Have a safe journey, and see you again.".

He gave a short reply. Then that was it. T_T

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I saw Mr H too. It thought it was only me noticed it, but Mr H is a bit chubby, as said by other people too hahahaha.

My H finally combed his hair to the front. Not the usual split middle. Funny things was I don't realized it and he makes an effort to ask me if I noticed it. Sorry Mr H, as the star of the show (read: Mr G) was here, I don't see other people anymore. But after a moment I do realized that style made you look like a brat, or an annoying person hahaha.

We were hugging saying goodbye. He mention to me "good bye and don't cry" but I felt so sad to be separated form them and got a teary eyes, for a split second. OK more than a second actually.

I am glad no one noticed. I think.

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My brother said I need to go to my friend's wedding so they will go to mine later.

But I guess I don't have really high expectation for that.


My house is remote, and I am not really close with many people. And those close people, I think they are going to be busy.

And I also have felt hurt before for expecting people too much.

I think it will be going to be just my relatives and the villager. Hahaha.

I don't care really. My trip this time is to visit friend. We were being away for just 1 month. Hahahaha

Emotional Dream

I had a very weird dream.

At that time a mega corporation TM (Telekom Malaysia lol), has taken over the country. The country now divided into two sides. The pro-corp and the anti corp.

I was still undecided. As I don't prefer changes, and as I have the impression that TM is a bad corporation, kinda like the Death Race film, so I joined the opposition team.

In my dream there were my other batchmates. And to make things weirder, as a young doctor, we need to choose our side. That is to say choosing our employer.

Mr G was there too. He has chosen TM since the beginning.

Me, and as most of our batchmate, team up with the opposition.

I have a mission to infiltrates the TM company in for the attempt of sabotaging. (really?)

During the mission execution, we got an emergency message saying TM has finally taken over all over the country. So a curfew has been ordered. Anyone found outside will be prosecuted.

However, my friend and I are already on our way. We can't find any safe place to hide from the surveillance robots.
 
The were three of use. My partner and I manage to get out from getting into the TM base but unfortunately for our other partner, he crashed into the TM headquarters so he decided to either continuing the mission or if he is lucky enough, find a safe place until the curfew is over.

Suddenly, I played the role as that missing person. I was trying to hide but I got caught.

Then the role switched back.

My partner and I decided to get out from our hiding place to rendezvous. But we have lost our way too.

We keep on moving, until we accidentally met with the robots. We were chased.

I was injured, but we still managed to escape from the robots, with me almost unconscious.
 
Suddenly we arrived at a familiar place. The general hospital owned by TM, which all pro-corporation physician work.

We managed to change from our spy clothes into a normal office attire. Then my vision darken.

When I woke up, my partner was wearing the scrub, making rounds.

Suddenly Mr G came into the picture

We were observing Mr G doing a hard operation. I am astonished that as Mr G was the only one doctor on duty.

In my dream, it is said that he managed to achieved many achievements. Mr G has been able to conduct a difficult operation, despite just starting to practice. In his files (stalker me?) it say that because the lack of facilities and insufficient workers, one day he decide to take on the roles to save the life. He did it, then his journey of excellency began.

Then I saw my other colleagues who used to be on the opposition teams, they are too, joining the TM corporation health service.
Then, it hit me. I felt stuffy in my chest. I was filled with jealousy. Of Mr G.

I asked my partner about what happened.

He said when we arrived at the hospital he told the management that we want to work under them. As for my reason of unconsciousness, it is because we lost our way (really lame excuse)

However the management still bought it so we were absorbed into the system. And I think because Mr G helped us too?

I asked my partner about the well being of captured teammate. He didn't know what happen. It seems that whoever failed, he wont be remembered. LOLs

In my dream I thought that after all eventhough the country has became a total capitalist sucking the money from its citizen, things won't be too bad working with TM because there were some good in it. Majority of it.

Then it was time to wake up.

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We still are waiting for the interview. And our placement. But I felt so insecure.

Right now, I have the impression if I don't have the chance to further my study, I think becoming a Medical Officer for life is not a bad things.

After all, I have a role model. Well she is a blogger actually.

It's fine if I am just being a MO, as long as everything is enough for me. Or as the blogger doctor said, "not scrutinizing the price of one brand of cereal over the other just to save a few cents."

But I guess (as she said too), to see friends achieving many things in their married life and career, I too can't help feeling envious and regret.

I don't know. The future is not us to see.

I just want to be happy.

Bitter friend

That is me.

Got an iMessages from an old friend. Whom I know in 2006, because he lived in front of my student apartment.

I used to be closed to him, until I realized he don't really take me seriously.

Like, he make a substantial effort to give presents to my other friends, even have the gut to ask me to bring them their present to them, when I am the one who makes the effort of visiting him. I also embraced the 4 hours journey, on a precious holiday which we seldomly gets.

Thus my obsession of trying to improve my appearance, as those gift-receivers, are good-looking. And that was the time I get brainwashed, by myself, with the thought that people with good looks gets better treatment. They don't really need to do anything, they just makes small talk, smile a bit, then people will fall upon them.

At that time I thought OK, it's my turn to deliver the gift, can't wait what would I get when it was my birthday.

But nothing. Na-da.

Seriously.

And things got annoying in my side when he texted me saying he missed all of us (because he went to other university) and then, he keep bugging me asking about other well-being.

Slut. Haha.

Unfortunately for me, I bought an iPhone so suddenly he contacted me through the iMsg. Urgh.

The most infuriating part was he always always sent a random message to me, but when I replied, he just keep silent. WTF!!

On top of that, he is the kind of person who easily distracted. I mean at one time I was talking to him but then I realized he was not listening, or worst, when suddenly another jerk coming out of nowhere, asking his question, he quickly replied to him. Fuck!

Karma is a bitch. Even when you are not on the receiving part. I mean, I really want to ignore him completely, because as I remember, value-wise, he does not gave me anything at all.

I'd rather call our relationship as an acquaintance than a friend.

But then, I wonder if I'm doing it, would other do it to me? Well I guess I don't neglect anybody so I should not worry. But (again) this conscience of mine, is so strong.

So in the iMsg, he was asking me a favour, just asking about some information on tourism of my place of study. Spam with texts.

I thought of ignoring him, or if I am evil enough, would say, "why ask me? Ask those whom you've sent the present. I am just a nobody. I am not an information counter".

But again my conscience kick me hard. I attend the message.

Then again, he made me mad. He don't even say thanks!! Damn it.

Rude person. Very very rude.