Happy

Today is the one of the best day.

I have been whatsapp-ing with Mr G! Yeay!!

Well it was unintended really. And I felt nervous at first. And an a bit furious.

Last time I checked, he last seen online 3 am in the morning. I can't stop wondering who he has been whatsapp-ing.

I wanted to ask Mr G about the procedure for the forms preparation. But I've made some foolish mistake. I misunderstood the post on our Facebook group. I thought he did the procedure, but in actuality, he did not.

So after laughing a bit, although feeling proud that I am being aloof with him (you think you cute? heh), then he started to ask me about if I have completed filling all the forms.

That was a surprise. I mean I did not expect him to actually leading the conversation. But as this post was delayed, I thought maybe he was like that because well, all of us are filling the forms right now, so it is normal to ask in every conversation we engaged, or;

Maybe he felt the need to being nice to me, cause I gave him the chocolate dedication. (suspicious me)

We both haven't filled the forms. I told him I am going to go to Kuala Lumpur next month to fill the forms. He told me that my other batchmate did invite him to go and filled the forms together, and that other batchmate did invite me too.

I was about to dance knowing I can see him again as we are going to be on the trip together.

Too bad he said he can't join the trip. Because he need to care for his older sister.

Suddenly I feel curious. I thought he was the second child, as his older sister has married. Why would he need to care for his sister when her sister got her husband?

Then, I just knew that he got a handicapped sister. The oldest one.

It has came into my thought that I always thought Mr G is blessed, with good look and tall.

It turn out that his genetics does not only contain all the good stuff. Well I don't have the heart to ask what was her sister handicapped was. I thought it seems too intrusive.

Mr G also has a lot of burden to hold, as his parent went away on a trip.

We chatted more after that. And as I can't really talk about our interest as we both don't have the same interest, I still asked about his family more.

And I even flirted with him. Saying that I don't really know him eventhough we learnt together for six years, so maybe we should do our housemanship together. Haha.

Well, he said we still can whatsapp during the training. :P

Anyhow, it is a good chat. Too bad I was on a trip, so my reception was bad. I need to postpone the conversation, but God knows when I would have a strong reason to whatsapp him again. :(

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Meanwhile, I was so proud. Because people ask if I was still studying. Did I looked that young?? (but in actuality I have no licence, and my parent was driving me in a rundown car -.-)

In one location, an old man with white beard suddenly greet me, saying I was handsome. I was like, sarcasm?? -.- Then he asked where I schooled.

Damn. Really? I looked young? I don't even took care of my skin because I have been busy. I think it was my acne who gave the student vibe.

We can't talk longer cause I got something to do. Then after I have done, I saw that the old man was talking with another boy. Age about 16 years old like that. And I could not stop noticing that the old man's hand was moving everywhere. From the boy's shoulder, to the hands, and keep rubbing the hands. Hahahaha.

Well it is a curious case.

Random

Since the moment I realized that Mr G is way taller than me, my confidence has broken into pieces.

I am so self conscious.

Maybe because I think he is out of my league.

Or maybe because I want to be like him.

When I read yaoi manga, it always feature the top as manly, while the bottom being cute. I mean, because the bottom being cute, the top can't denied the feeling.

It can't be wrong when someone loves pretty things.

And as I read it somewhere, when a man fell into a effeminate guy, he was being straight.

However, from my observation, there are two types of effeminate guy. The pretty one, and the ugly one.

So I thought, maybe I can "charm" a man to fall into me. There is hope after all. Heh.

Sometimes, I imagine me acting all cute to Mr G. Maybe he would fall with me.

But even in my own imagination, that was a horrible sight, as I looked into the mirror -.-

I am the ugly one. But I am no longer effeminate. I think. Haha.

I don't have the slightest feature, that one can call, as cute.

But...

I have been receive mixed signals.

I mean there was a moment while Mr G and I was eating together, Mr G was signaling to me to feed him.

And the moment when we were walking in a group, suddenly he hint me to hold his hand.

But during both of the occasion, when I was actually wanting to do it, Mr G resist. T_T

And things will no be moving anywhere as I am already attached. With a woman.

Talking about being attached, yesterday I dreamed of having sex with a woman.

Surprise! Surprise!

In that dream the woman complimented my junk but suddenly I though that it's my dream, so I was actually complimenting myself?? OMG so sick. Eh Too much information

So maybe I am bisexual. So that means I can definitely live a double lives. Yeay!!

Anyhow...

I am feeling better now.

Because I was staying in Kuala Lumpur for a while before going back to my hometown.

And I realize they are many people who shorter than me. Good looking, but short.

Haha. Talking about being kiasu.

I think the God is fair.

I realized a lot of good looking guy, is short. Like Mr H.

So, right now, I think I won't really envy anybody as I think they would have defect somewhere.

And the most interesting things was, if their defect is not apparent, so they must have some defect in the inside. Muahahaha *evil laugh*

Now, isn't it interesting to think about what would the defect would be?? small penis, hernia, hemorrhoids,  hairy birth marks, scar, impotence, one testis apparently larger that another one etc

Back for good

I went back to Malaysia for good on 18th October. I used to feel excited that I finally able to leave that country, but for some weird reason, I felt sad.

I think I am not sad because I missed the country's people nor the scenery, but because of the easy and simple life by being a student.


I mean, I was literally was paid just to study.

Nevertheless, I also felt angry when seeing graduation photo on Facebook that belongs to my batchmate.

As I said in previous posts before, the university administration has arranged us according to rank, and not only that, they even gave the scroll colour, according to your cGPA.

The brown scroll for cGPA 3.5 and above, green for 3. to 3.49, and the rest was blue. I got blue scroll.

So many photos of me, taking pictures with my friend who was holding a green, or better, brown scroll. Damn it.

There was also a complimentary souvenir. The size also given according to the cGPA. The top scorer got a transparent plate, with some text on it, at the size of A4 paper.

For me, I got something like the medal that you got in athletics. -.-

I... maybe regret taking this course.....

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Meanwhile, my study groupmate decided that they are going to meet the night before the day of my flight back.

In my group, only two of us who got the blue file. One of them is of course, me, and another one, already left to Malaysia.

What I meant was, the people who decided to meet up, was the top scorer.

I waited for two hours, but they don't come. They don't even reply on the event that they created on the Facebook.

And mysteriously, my post on the event, complaining the absence of them, disappeared.

I was rage. I got lots of things to settle, and I haven't finish packing my luggage yet. So I just went back to my home, even though suddenly they were claiming that the were coming.

When I got back home, I cried. For no reasons.

Or maybe, because of regret, or hurt, of so many other things.

One, I felt humiliated during the graduation day. My parent naively asking where my plate were. Of course I said I don't get it due to my low pointer.

Second, those top scorer, they may study so well. But their human relationship is bad. They got no manner. Well they are nice people, but they don't really took care of other people feeling. (read: not being sensitive). Heck, during our study group discussion, they did in half-heartedly. But they are the most celebrated on the graduation day

Thirdly, I felt regret. I am convinced that I will most definitely get distinction if I change my course

Fourth, I am sad to separate with my crushes, and as I was being depressed, I also keep on thinking why I can't be normal like others. I mean, there's hope to be with my crushes if I was a girl.

I showed some disappointment to Mr H, whose house were used for the gathering. Mr H, whom previously being so hard to locate during the graduation day when I want to take pictures with him, (and after that I expect nothing more from him) suddenly being so nice on that night.

He insist that I stayed a bit.

But I was busy, and I got works to do.

When I arrived at home, I got calls from them. But I did not answer them.

So rage and emo.

F*ck!

The end is near

Finally I have a big reason to whatsapp-ing Mr G. Haha

I was afraid that he only got whatsapp for his Malaysian number, but then when I opened my whatsapp, it said he just online 15 minutes ago. Hehehe

So we had a chat. For sometime.

Then he asked me to pause. To wait. I wonder what was he doing.

Then he called me.

We chat a bit.

I was telling him about our junior who wanting to make the contract. 

He asked, "who want your house? a married couple?"

"Nope. You know that guy *description here*. He and his friend *name here* ."

"I see. Two men. Gay again? LOLs"

"Haha..."

I am not sure if it was a good or bad thing that we do the gay jokes here. I mean there's sometime when I do the jokes, I really mean it. But when Mr G doing it, particularly about affection etc, I can't be sure if there would be some sincerity in it. But of course I wish it would be true.

I am going to be separated with Mr G the day after tomorrow. After this, I can no longer see him face to face.

I know that there might be a chance that I will meet someone better, and maybe, someone whom I can, you know, do more.

I can't help myself to stop comparing with others. Although I think I know better that I never once, won. 

And with Mr G, it seems that I am out of his league.

He is good looking, tall, study well and so on.

Sometimes I wish life would be just similar as the gay movies. Like two men being a close friends, then suddenly one of them realized that he has fall in love with the other one.

And after some conflict, the other guys realized he too feels the same. Then the two of the live happily ever after.

But meh, I am so different with Mr G. And I think nowadays I always made stupid jokes whenever I am with him. Oh bollocks!

To end my post, well I am so desperate depressed.

Graduation

Praise to God, I've graduated. Yeay!!

Mixed feeling right now. Happy because it has finally ended, sad because I will need to separated with my friends (read: Mr G) and scared because I am so not ready getting into the work life.

I am also angry to myself because I sat at the back, as I got low cGPA.

And the university couldn't be more meaner when they gave different plate size and colour. According to your pointer. I got the smallest, that looks like a medal. pfft!

My spirit was at the lowest. I mean can I be a doctor? Or should I change my profession somewhere in the future?

And my mother makes a naive mistake asking why you don't get those big plate?? Where's yours? -.-

In a silver lining, one of my diligent batchmate, whom I know her being so interested in medicine. She even used her holiday by doing elective in the hospital. But I am surprised that she sat not so far from me. Hmm...

I guess for her cGPA means nothing. I am sure she will be a excellent physician someday albeit not getting 3.00 and above.

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In the meantime, I gave Mr G dedication chocolates.

I thought it would be a some sort of awkward moment, like he would wonder out of all people, why I gave it to him. So I thought maybe I would at least continue flirting with him, or if I dare enough, confess my feeling to him.

But it didn't. By the slip of fate my other friend who received my dedication was standing near. He flocked nearer, thanking me and all (your are welcome) and when Mr G asked, "did you gave the chocolate to everyone?"

I would say, "only to you, my precious", but instead I blurted, "I gave it to those I called as my friend". Damn it. Still so corny lols

It was quite funny that after that suddenly Mr G said to me to say to my father that he felt sorry because after my father making a conversation with him in the plane, after a moment Mr G went to the toilet, but later on, Mr G sat at the empty seat behind my father. I mean Mr G deliberately escaping from talking with my parent haha.

But I don't mind. Me myself realized my father could be a bit boring sometime. (biased me) :P

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Anyhow, I still couldn't get over the fact that Mr G is taller than me. Other than he maybe a bit allopecic, everything about him is fine. Darn it!!

And I also realize I am height conscious. -.-

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Anyhow I have graduated. And my parent was present here. That's all that matters. :)

Still, I just feel like it was only yesterday I first got cheated by the locals. Haha. *sigh*

Graduation Dinner

Mr G is back! And to make things interesting, he was in the same flight as my parent. And they even sat next to each other in the flight.

I guess in the future if Mr G become my boyfriend, it would be easier for me to introduce him LOLs.

Anyhow, Mr G and I feel distant, again. I realized I have this weird shy attitude with people that I don't meet for a long time. Like when Mr H came back, I tried not to accidentally met him. Eventhough I went to his house for some matter with his housemate, I am feeling so glad knowing he was asleep when I was there.

But we are getting closer back. Mr G, Mr H and I. Haha.

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We have our graduation dinner. two days before graduation.

I am so not in mood taking pictures with anybody. First I hate my look. It's all wrong and not photogenic. My hair, my skin, my ear lobe. I have a very low self esteem at this moment.

Secondly, my suit is bad. I bought the ready made. Turn out I can fit in, but the suit was intended for taller people.

Thirdly, I have no good camera.

Fourth, my BB cream went away when I washed my face one hour before the event. Pffftt!!

And lastly, because this is still not the end. We still have the graduation day.

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I really wanted to take picture with Mr G, just the two of us. But I don't want people feeling awkward seeing me taking couple photo while NOT taking picture with others . I can always take solo picture with them but I feel it is a hassle as I want to take solo picture with everybody during the graduation because we don't know when we will meet again.

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There was a red carpet photography session yesterday. However I don't take any because my self esteem felt to lowest that night.

Because of Mr G.

No, not because he humiliated me or something, but because I just realised he is taller than me.

Damn it!! I thought we were of the same height! No wonder he looks so good.

Adding salt to the wound, his suit is so great. Damn it, again!! I am so wanted to hug him from behind!

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Anyhow, actually I am feeling so down because the university arranged us in the hall for graduation, according to our cGPA.

My G sat way top of me.

And I sat way behind. People of the last row.

I hate this. I am so broken.

p/s: we were walking from our outdoor photoshoot session, suddenly Mr G makes a gesture wanting to hold my hand. I got mixed signal now. -.-

p/s: Mr G bought a galaxy note. But when people wanting to take a look at it, he quickly locked his whatsapp application. Damn!! I feel so intrigue to know with whom he messaged??

I wonder if there is a tiniest possible that was in a relationship with a male? haha #hopelessme