Dilemma

Darn it. My meeting with P was too short. I wanted to meet him again but then, honestly, I felt like I may have some issues with my bestfriend, C.

C, was being himself. He was acting the same, just like when he was in the high school. Acting like a child and effeminate. Well those term is interchangeable. The only thing that has changed, maybe that he become a Master student doing research.

But me, I AM not the same. Well I CHOOSE and DOES NOT WANT to be the same. After all, I did mention my highschool could be a mistake. I regretted some of the things that I did. Well luckily the damage was not big like I made someone pregnant nor involve in a murdering crime. But I may have tainted my image.

You know how when there are two people or more who got the same name in a place, they tend to get nicknames. I don't really have a nickname since I was little because I rarely schooled with people who got the same name as mine. I only used my first name. But then, in my high school, there was another person who has the same name as mine.

So, people made a nickname. Or put some description. Like that person, he was called "the Deaf Soy", because that Soy seems like he don't listened or paying attention when people talking. Me, well God knows what. Although, I am very positive people referred me as "the Softy Soy". Worst, maybe the called me "the Effeminate or the Fag Soy".

I am so sure that they called me "the Softy Soy" because I had a conversation with my ex-classmate. She was so insensitive because she said,

"Hey, I just chatted with this guy Z from our high school a few days ago so I was like telling him about you. He was like 'Soy? Which Soy? The Soy who was soft/effeminate?'. "

Then she laughed.

I was thinking, what do you really wanted to say actually bitch?? Dang it!

That word is a taboo for me.

 I was quite angry, I don't reply her chat, stop SMS-ing her. In addition I have this feeling that she was actually flirting with me but then, too bad she is not cute enough.

Unfortunately I am too forgiving that I befriend with that woman back. Mostly because I need her working advice. #friendswithbenefits

And that Z, I thought we were good friends but then, he do stabbed me from behind.

However, thinking back, I should never listen about someone, from another one. I guess maybe it was unintentional. Well they need something to describe you. I mean that's was my only identification as I was not handsome nor clever. However, they could just describe my place of origin, or my previous school's name.

Dang I am re-rage!

Back to my title post

I was feeling awkward when C display his habit. The habit of a stereotype effeminate gay guys. Like loves to hang around the girls, broken wrist syndrome, informal speech with girls etc.

Me myself, I have distancing myself from being the only male in a crowd of females for quite sometimes. No no no. That's awkward, for me. I do still accidentally use informal speech with girls of the same age.

Well I think I know what was MAIN the problem.

I think too much of what other people think about me.

Well, I agree. But I am telling you, it has it pros and cons too. I mean, being yourself is easy and fun, while pretending is so tiresome.

But you should not just be yourself, but be the best of yourself.

Well it was all cock's talk. I don't be the best of me neither.

But still, I think I have been acting relatively straight all these years, even some of my previous high school friend (read: that bitch) said my voice has changed.

I befriend with jocks, saw them shirtless, had a bromance with them, sleep together etc.

Honestly, I am someone who pick up other's habits easily. So I guess by befriending with straight guys, I may become "hetero-er" if not less "gay-er"

So now, I have a growing hatred for C behaviour. I mean, I was once hesitated to invite him to go to a wedding together, because I don't want people to associate him with me, like effeminate with gay.

But I still invited him. Because I thought (as C claimed) people don't really see him as effeminate, just being childish.

When C shows his childhood photos, I was like, oh my. It has really in your genetics. I mean how the hell a male 7 years old knew how to do a female pose for a photo??

C, is incurable. Haha

So till know, I am still not sure. IMO, it does felt tiresome to be someone who I am not, but then, it was not really bad because I think this is right.

On a side note, it would make it harder for other gays to approach me. With my looks and so on.

And I don't felt like I can face the discrimination. I am so weak.

Hmmm....